Nature and Mitigation of Bachelor Farming

Where Are the Club Men of Yesteryear?

DAVID GRAY

ONE of the things I noticed in coming back to New York in June, after some years in Samarkand. was the absence of familiar summer faces in the club. I asked about it apprehensively.

"Not dead, but farming,'' was the answer. Bill was growing cigars in Connecticut, Tom was breeding capons near Philadelphia, Charlie was raising squabs in Westchester.

The next day I met Henry Saunders McNutt, in the Club, and asked him what it all meant. "Why arc they absent. To me the town has never seemed so vif or endearing?"

"Your inquiry reminds me of an experience I had with Bertie Van Tile," he replied. "Shall I relate it to you ?"

"By all means," I said, and he began:

"Night was drawing on and, as I came into the Club, Bertie Van Tile dashed past me. He was bareheaded and evidently under a great emotional strain. Presently he dashed in again and called to me, 'Did Freddie De Ruyter go out?'

" 'He got into a taxi, just as I came in,' I answered. " 'Did he have anything in his hand, like this—a publication ?'

" 'I think he did.'

" 'Oh, Lord!' Bertie murmured, 'it is as I feared.' "'Look here, old boy,' I said, 'What's wrong?' "'This is the third time,' he answered; 'the third time.' He began pacing to and fro. 'Von Bunn says that three times is a certain sign.'

" 'What is it that's such a certain sign,' I asked.

" 'The seed catalogue,' he answered. 'It's the third time he's been seen with one.' In answer to my very natural inquiry he turned on me almost fiercely. 'You've been away, haven't you ?' he said. 'I haven't seen you for weeks?'

" 'I've been for four years in China,' I answered.

" 'Then you haven't kept up with scientific thought,' he said. 'That seed catalogue is one of the chief symptoms of Bacillus Ruralis. It's a brain disease.' "We went to one of the Fifth Avenue windows and sat down. I asked him if he would have a drink, but he shrank away nervously. 'For Heaven's sake,' he exclaimed, 'don't ask a man to drink. No one in town drinks any more. These fellows come up from the country and do it, but no one in town. It's part of the disease, so the Professor says.'

"'Professor who?' I asked.

" 'Von Bunn,' he replied, 'author of "Cause and Cure of Rural Population." I've .brought him over to observe Freddy. They may be able to cure him.'

" 'Remember I've been away,' I said. 'Be explicit.'

" 'Von Bunn's book explains it all,' he said. 'He proves that the civilized man lives in cities and the savage in the country.'

" 'But somebody has to live in the country besides savages,' I said. 'Where would the asparagus and lemons come from?'

" 'No,' he said, 'Von Bunn shows you how all these tilings would be made better in factories. But don't interrupt me. The point is that this going back to the farm is a kind of degeneracy. It's caused by an organism and rrtost anybody may get it, but it's worst with young men between the ages of thirty and fifty. Von Bunn has got the bug isolated and is working on a serum. We are praying that he will get it in time to save Freddy.'

" 'But Freddy hasn't gone to the country yet,' I said.

"'He will,' said Bertie excitedly; 'he will.'

" 'Bertie,' I said, 'you're overwrought. This is imagination, this is fantastic.'

"'Fantastic!' he exclaimed. 'Do you know what this thing is doing? Do you realize that this bug or its allied organisms is denuding our city of its population. Do you realize that if it keeps on the wild grape* will twine in Broadway and weeds will choke the roof gardens? I know what I'm talking about. This present Saturday, in the middle of July, there are not a dozen people in town that one knows. I even saw my tailor taxicabbing to the Grand Central with a bag of golf clubs. Why should they leave the comforts of a city for what they go to? There's something not normal about it, not quite sane. It's a perversion, a disease of the brain.'

II.

"A FEW days later I ran into Freddy at Sherry's. 'Eat with me,' he said. 'I'm alone.' As we sat down he started nervously. 'There he is again,' he exclaimed.

"Two tables away I saw a creature with a face like a skye-terrier peering at us through hair and shell spectacles.

" 'It's a lunatic that has been haunting me for days,' he said. 'I found out his name yesterday, a Professor Von Bunn. Shall we change our table?'

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" 'I don't mind him,' I said, 'I want to talk to you. I want to know how you are."

"'I'm rotten,' he said; 'sick of this miserable hole, sick of everything—bored stiff.'

" 'Why don't you get married ?' I said.

" 'There's nothing in it,' he answered. 'Anyway, I'm not that kind. Too much addicted to freedom, you know.'

" 'Just then I saw old Sumner Holla way come in with his two daughters. 'Gad!' I said 'take a slant At Ruthie Hollaway. How about her? What a glorious blonde!'

" 'What's the use of moving my head ?' he said. 'If she wasn't a blonde she'd .be a brunette. That's the trouble; there's only the two kinds. There ought to be other colors.'

III

WO weeks later, Bertie came into the club with a black suit and black gloves. 'I hope no one is dead,' I said.

" 'This is my way of showing what I feel about Freddy,' he answered. 'He's bought a farm in Connecticut. It's awful, awful, awful! And the money is no small item,' he went on. 'I don't suppose you have the remotest idea of what you can spend on a farm?'

"I shook my head.

" 'Well,' he said, 'you can put all the money in the world on sixty-two acres. But I haven't given up hope,' he went on. 'Von Bunn has his serum perfected, and we are now planning to administer it in some old applejack that came from Uncle Cornelius's cellar.'

IV.

"SIX months later Bertie called me up. 'Freddy's in town,' he said. 'He's convalescent, but Von Bunn fears a relapse, which would be fatal. We've got to do everything we can to keep him here till his brain gets over the shock of the serum. I wanted to ask you if you remembered anything that he used to get at Dei's that he was particularly fond of. We've got to make town attractive for him, that's sure.

" 'He used to like their lamb stew,' I answered.

" 'I'll order a gallon daily,' he said. 'Anything else?'

'That's all I can remember,' I said. 'Let me know from time to time how things are going, won't you ?'

"A fortnight passed and he called me up again. His, voice was jubilant. 'The old boy is cured,' he said. 'Von Bunn says he'll never relapse again. And I think he means it. Dine with us to-night at the house.'

"I said I would.

"That very afternoon Freddy came into the club. He refused a drink, which made me recall Bertie's words on that subject.

"'Well, Freddy,' I said, 'how goes it?'

"He looked almost carefree.

" 'I'm at the top,' he answered. 'Don't I look it. Sold the farm and am back again where life is benign.'

"Bertie obviously was right. Freddy was cured; Von Bunn was a great man. This city of which we are justly proud was saved. Presently Freddy said to me: 'McNutt, I want to tell you something in the strictest confidence. I'm engaged to be married.'

"I shook his hand with surprise and gladness. 'And who is the fair one?' I demanded v/ith unfeigned curiosity.

"'Ruthie Holloway, 'he answered. 'I'm in luck? N'est-ce pas? Yes,' he went on, 'we got it fixed up at last. She threw me down at the start. I took it hard. That's when I bought the farm. I wonder why a man wants to do his heartbreak stuff among the vegetables? But they all do it, they all do it! Run all these boy farmers to earth and you'll find that's the secret.'

"I hazarded no comment. Nor did I ever mention the subject again to Bertie. By degrees he began to get wise. His interest in the deluded Von Bunn changed gradually to breathing exercises before breakfast. But when you asked me about the absence of our young farming friends I thought I should relate to you this little experience for what it is worth."

"Well," I said, "you have related it well. Your narrative was succinct, moral and enlightening. It has explained to me at least the significance of bachelor farming."