Little Glimpses of the Future in America

Or, Where Shall We Soon Be At?

STEPHEN LEACOCK

The Final Solution of the Transportation Problem.

(An extract from the New York Daily Press of 1925)

RESUMPTION or THE MAIL COACH SERVICE. We are happy to announce to our readers that the mail coach service between New York City and Philadelphia, which has been temporarily suspended since 1840, is to be resumed this week. By a fortunate chance the well-known and highly popular coach, the Martin Van Buren, has been discovered still in her yard, where she was placed when she was set aside pending the experimental use of the railway, which has proved such a costly failure. Under the new arrangement, passengers booked for Philadelphia are guaranteed of departure and arrival at the hour specified. Subject only to the hazards of the weather, the Martin Van Buren will leave her place of departure (The Andrew Jackson Hostelry, corner of Wall Street and the Albany Post Road) at or about daybreak on the morning of every Monday. This commodious coach has accommodation for ten inside and ten outside passengers. There is ample accommodation in the boot for all parcels and personal luggage. Passengers desirous of putting luggage in the boot, however, are requested to come to the booking office three days in advance to effect the necessary signature of vouchers, and to take the necessary oaths of allegiance and citizenship.

In order to avoid the present delays in the operation of the tunnel traffic, the Van Buren will be taken across the river on a barge. Passengers may keep their seats during the transit, or, for a small extra fee, may be carried across (if the wind serves) in a hoy. The Van Buren will proceed at full speed across New Jersey. Absolutely no stops will be made except for the change of horses, for meals, and for the night.

When the moon serves, the Van Buren will continue her journey, still at full speed, until 9 p.m. She will arrive in Philadelphia, barring being struck by lightning, on the afternoon of the third day out of New York. The greatest satisfaction is expressed everywhere in business circles over the prospect of the speed and certainty offered by the new service. A peculiar and pathetic interest attaches to the fact that the four horses which drew the Van Buren on her last trip out of New York are all dead.

Other similar ones, however, have been secured from the hansom cab service of Fifth Avenue. Many of those who have seen the new team declare that it is hard to believe that they are not the original horses.

Form of Application to be Used in the NotVery-Far future in Trying to Secure a Hotel Room.

(1)Letter from the Applicant.

THE MANAGEMENT,

THE SOAKUS HOTEL,

NEW YORK.

DEAR SIRS:

I beg to apply for a room, to be available for my use one month from the present date and usable for one day. I am a young man of good habits, a Presbyterian, a graduate of Harvard and a non-smoker. If you will see fit, Sirs, to trust me with a room I shall do my utmost to occupy it in a way entirely to your satisfaction. My testimonials are enclosed herewith. Very faithfully,

EDWARD EATANYTHING.

(2) Testimonial from the President of Harvard.

THE MANAGEMENT,

THE SOAKUS HOTEL,

NEW YORK.

DEAR SIRS:

This is to certify that Mr. Edward Eatanything attended the undergraduate course at Harvard for a number of years and obtained the Baccalaureate degree in Arts. His course included English Literature Courses 1, 2 and 6, Mathematics 4 and 5, and Latin 6 and 8. I consider him in every way fitted to occupy your room.

Very faithfully,

President, Harvard University.

(3) From the Pastor of the Broad Street Second Baptist Church.

THE MANAGEMENT,

THE SOAKUS HOTEL,

NEW YORK.

DEAR SIRS:

My young friend, Mr. Edward Eatanything, informs me that he is an applicant for a position as a roomer under your management. He was for over four years a member of my congregation and I have great pleasure in testifying that the level of his spiritual life is so high that you can with safety place him even on the top floor of your hotel.

Very faithfully,

Pastor.

(4) Certificate from the Metropolitan Emergency Guarantee and Insurance Company. To WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

Mr. E. Eatanything is insured in and by this company in compensation for all possible accidents resulting from rooming in a hotel. Any management permitting him to occupy a room is hereby assured that the Metropolitan Guarantee Company will see that he leaves the room, either alive or dead, at daybreak of the day following his occupancy.

(5) Answer from the Soakus Hotel Company. >•

MR. EATANYTHING.

DEAR SIR:

We have much pleasure in informing you that your application for a room has been accepted by the Board of Pardons of this hotel and ratified by the Conciliation Council of the Waiters' Union. The room will be ready for your occupancy at midnight of the day mentioned and you are requested to leave it at or before daybreak. An extra charge will be made for sleeping in the bed, or for the use of the window.

List of Honour. Pullman Company Announcement for March.

At a meeting of the Directorate of the Pullman Car Company, lower berths were awarded as follows for the month of March. The names mentioned below have been placed in order of merit.

March List of Successful Lower Berth

Contestants

Lower 1.H. W. Weenix

Lower 2.M. B. Beel

Lower 3.Mrs. T. M. Groilitz

Lower 4.A Friend

Lower 5.L. T. Rash

Lower 6.Mr. and Mrs. Walter Ogontz

Lower 7. .Mrs. Louis Lipstick, Maid, Governess and 2 children

Lower 8.Mr. George Spelvin

Lower 9.Reserved for Gen'l Passenger Agent

Lower 10.Reserved for Gen'l Passenger Agent

Last and Final Fall of Sterling Exchange.

HE greatest excitement prevailed up and down Wall Street in both directions this afternoon, over the ne^s that Sterling Exchange had finally dropped out of sight and disappeared. Our readers will recall that the disappearance of the rouble some years ago was followed by the explosion of the French franc. At the same time the Austrian kronen sank in value till.it was worth less than 100 to 1, and was usable only at the Jacksonville races. It was hoped, however, that the pound sterling might share a better fate. The expectation was disappointed. It has been sinking gradually, and apparently no attempts have availed to force it to get up again. Last week it passed twenty cents, still going down. This morning it opened at ten cents, made a feeble attempt to rally itself, seemed, indeed for a moment about to lift itself up a little, and then subsided to five cents. At lunch time it was lying prostrate at five, with but little hope of revival. At two p.m. it moved slightly, reacted up to six cents and then sank heavily to three. Shortly after it rolled over and subsided to one cent, and after lying there for a few moments, breathing heavily, it fell to nothing and disappeared.

The deepest regret is felt in financial circles. It is felt as if an old friend had passed away. There is nothing now left in the world except the American dollar. P'or the time being, trade is at a standstill and all the gayety and fun of the Stock Exchange is a thing of the past. But we understand that prompt measures are being taken to remedy the situation. Brisk speculation has already started on the Curb in dealings in the Madagascar shell money, and in the Button Currency of Cambodia. A leading broker tells us that his house expects very shortly to open transactions in the goat and cow exchange of Kurdistan, and ar6 already offering futures in Congo beads. The general depression, in fact, is mixed, as is usual in Exchange circles, with a feeling of optimism, and a distinct buoyancy is felt throughout the prevailing despair; in short, the general impression of ruin is coupled with the idea that not the brokers, but some one else will turn out to be ruined.

Price List, Ritz Hotel Restaurant, January 1st, 1920.

1 Minute steak, if eaten on premises.$7.00

If taken home cold. 6.25

French pastry, choice of any two figure pieces.. 3.00

Fried eggs (one side), $5.25; (both sides). 6.00

Bread sandwiches with butter $.85; if gluten... 1.10 Chicken sandwich (nee veal), dark meat only.. 1.50 Guests are requested not to tip more than five head waiters and captains.