Here Comes the Bride

The Tragedy of a Fashionable Wedding in Ten Farces

NANCY BOYD

TIME: The Present Place: New York

Farce I

(Nine Days before the Wedding)

A room strewn with pins, scissors, thimbles, tape-measures, odd parts of tissue-paper patterns, and slivers of crepe de chine. On a slightly elevated platform the Bride, with reddened eyes and dilated nostrils, revolving slowly. The wedding-gown is being altered again.

BRIDE (coming to an abrupt standstill and sneeringly regarding her reflection in a long mirror, with fury) It's a sight,—there! I won't wear it! It's disgusting! Look at those gathers! Wedding-gown!—it looksmorelikea— BRIDE'S MOTHER: Katharine, that will do. BRIDE: Oh, but, mother, look at it!

BRIDE'S MOTHER: I am looking at it, darling. It is very pretty. If it makes you look a little plumper than usual, that's a good fault.

BRIDE (with a howl of despair) There! That settles it! Take it off, please,—ugh!

MAID OF HONOUR: If you'd just powder your nose, you know, Kay, you'd find the thing would fit you heaps better. It's immoral to try on a dress without first powdering your nose.

Bride: I did powder my nose, Agatha Schuyler, and you know it perfectly well! I borrowed your puff!

MAID OF HONOUR: Well, perhaps you did; but you've been bawling since then, and— BRIDE: Oh, Aggie, how can you be so cruel! When you know how nervous I am! Bawling! Why, I can't believe it! My own sister! (Bride bursts in'o tears)

BRIDE'S MOTHER (wearily) There, Agatha. Now I hope you're satisfied.

MAID OF HONOUR: I didn't mean to make her cry, honestly, mother. You can't look at her lately but she has a fit. I'm sorry, Kay. I didn't mean to— (Maid of Honour approaches Bride pacifically)

BRIDE (kicking Maid of Honour on the shins) Get out! Don't you touch me! I mean it! If you put a finger on me I'll go crazy! Aaaaoooouuuu! (Bride has hysterics) BRIDE'S MOTHER (without conviction, approaching Bride pacifically) Katharine. Now that will do. Stop it. Stop it, I tell you.

BRIDE (gasping and screaming) Oh, I wish I were dead! I wish I were dead!

MAID OF HONOUR (with disgust) Aw, come on, Kay, pull yourself together. Don't be a baby.

BRIDE (furiously) Oh, Agatha! Mind your business! Whose funeral is this wedding, anyhow ?

BRIDE'S MOTHER: Katharine, if you don't stop this at once, I wash my hands of the whole affair. Put your arms back into those sleeves. (Bride is about to obey)

MAID OF HONOUR: Come on, Kay. Do as mother tells you.

BRIDE (apoplectically, grabbing up a pair of shears) Will you shut up, or won't you?

BRIDE'S MOTHER (in a low voice) Agatha, you'd better go out, I think.

MAID OF HONOUR (in a high voice) Don't worry! I'm going! (She goes)

BRIDE'S MOTHER: Now, darling. Try it once again. Please do, dear,—for mother.

(Bride gets back into gown. Dressmaker kneels before her with a mouthful of pins. Several moments pass. Bride yawns)

BRIDE'S MOTHER (anxiously) Anything the matter, dear?

BRIDE (in a small voice, by way of negation) Huh-uh.

(Several moments pass. Bride sways slightly)

BRIDE'S MOTHER: Don't you think you'd better get down, dear?

BRIDE: Huh-uh.

(Several moments pass. Bride licks her lips, swallows four times, and faints)

Farce II

(Eight Days before the Wedding)

A ROOM glittering with salad-forks, sugartongs, luncheon-napkins, water-jugs, teasets, coffee-sets, nut-sets, carving-sets, toastracks, andirons, calling-cards, packing-straw, etc. Bride standing with hands on hips in attitude of exasperated despair.

BRIDE: Who mixed these cards all up like this?

MAID OF HONOUR: Don't look at me! I haven't touched your old cards! Maybe Anna did it when she was dusting.

BRIDE: Oh, for Heaven's sake! Why can't anybody ever let anything alone! I had them arranged exactly as I wanted them—one pile for the glass people, one for the silver people, one for the china people—oh, why can't people mind their own business! Now I haven't the faintest notion who sent me what! I shall just as likely as not be gushing all over Aunt Prudence for the cocktail-shaker she sent me, and writing Skinny how sweet it was of him to think of the Reader's Bible!

MAID dr HONOUR: It is a shame, Kay, darling. (She sighs) People really ought to write on their cards what it is they're sending, how much it cost, and where you can get it changed.

BRIDE (sitting down in a heap of excelsior) Oh, it's too discouraging! First there were the invitations, all spelled with an e instead of an a. Then Babs refused to wear yellow. And now—oh, I don't know what I'm going to do! I haven't the faintest idea who sent me that samovar, have you? Or those champagne glasses! Why, there's not a thing on that other table I've ever seen before! Where ever did that punch-bowl come from? Oh, Ag, don't tell me that's another pair of candlesticks!

(And so on, and so on)

Farce III

(Seven Days before the Wedding)

SAME as Farce I.

BRIDE: It's a sight,—there! I won't wear it! (etc., etc.)

Farce IV

(Six Days before the Wedding)

ASITTING-ROOM, charmingly furnished in white wicker and pink, purple and black cretonne. Bride at desk, writing. Wastebasket blossoming tike a tree with torn bits of mauve paper. Floor strewn with fallen petals.

MAID OF HONOUR (bursting into room) Bootie's got the measles!

BRIDE : What ?

MAID OF HONOUR : Bootie's got the measles!

BRIDE: You're crazy!

MAID OF HONOUR: She has! If you don't believe it, come and see! If she looks half as much like a flower-girl as she does like a radish, I'll eat her.

BRIDE: Ag, this is terrible. What shall I do?

MAID OF HONOUR: You'll just have to use Janet.

BRIDE: What, that tiresome Bailey child?

MAID OF HONOUR: Well, really, Kay, I wouldn't talk that way about my own niece!

BRIDE: Can't help it. She is tiresome.

MAID OF HONOUR: She's prettier than Bootie, really.

BRIDE: What, with all those teeth sticking out? You're crazy!

MAID OF HONOUR: See here, Kay, don't you call me crazy again, or I'll drop this pot of ink on you and prove it! After all, you're not the first person that ever got married, you know!

BRIDE: No, and I sha'n't be the last. You just wait till you get married!

MAID OF HONOUR: Well, I don't mind saying that when I get married you won't know a thing about it, Katharine Schuyler. I've learned my lesson this time. Peggy was bad enough. But you're impossible. I shall just waltz around to a justice of the peace and get the dirty business over with.

BRIDE: That's all very well now, Ag.

That's what I said. But you wait. There's a time when one has to consider one's family.

Farce V

(Five Days before the Wedding)

SAME as Farce I.

BRIDE: It's a sight,—there! I won't wear it! (etc., etc.)

Farce VI

(Four Days before the Wedding)

PRIVATE room in a fashionable hotel. Nut-end of a Sorority Banquet. Bride and four of the Bridesmaids conspicuously present. Other sororae ranged about.

(Continued on page 90)

(Continued from page 52)

CHAIRMAN: We will now have a speech from Miss Katharine—grab her. Don't let her get away !—a speech from Miss Katharine Schuyler. You will remember Miss Schuyler as the young woman who was never going to marry, who turned a bleak eye on all twosing, petting and promming, who was going to devote her life to archaeological—

YOU FROM HAVE KNOWN that was because she had a crush on the instructor ! We were all going to do that!

EVER Silence, worm!—to archæological research along the upper Nile. Miss Schuyler will now rise and make a speech. Teazle, let her up.

(And so on and so on)

Farce VII

(Three Days before the Wedding) SAME as farce I.

TO It's a sight,—there! I won't wear it! {etc., etc.)

Farce VIII

(Two Days before the Wedding)

A BEDROOM, charmingly furnished in dove-grey and lilac. Reclining on the bed, with one foot supported by a pillow, the Third Bridesmaid. Standing by the bed, in the attitude of one rather too picked on by Fate, the Bride. Maid of Honour, and other Bridesmaids strewn about.

DIDN'T Oh, Dodie, you might have known you'd sprain your ankle! Why in the world anybody wants to go stumbling around the Palisades by moonlight—oh, what ever shall I do! If only it had happened to Chloe or Blanche instead!

WAS GOING TO BE (together) Well, I like that!

SILLY, Oh, but you know what I mean! It would have been so much easier to find an extra girl with dark hair—or even a blonde! But no, of course it had to be one of the redhaired ones!

{AND SO Molly's redheaded.

ON) But those freckles!—it would be different if it weren't in the day-time.

LEMON-YELLOW AND Why, Kay,— Sheila, of course! I wonder you didn't think of her long ago!

BRIDE I did, silly! But I didn't know she was going to be here. She was the first one I thought of.

THAT'S TOO LOW. (together) Well, ready, Kay!

COUPLE I wonder which of us you would have left out, if you had known she was going to be here!

DON'T (flushing uncomfortably) Don't be silly, Gwendolyn.

BRIDE: SIX, I'm not silly. It's a very interesting thought.

SHOULD Anyway, she'd poison me if I asked her now.

THE TIME ' There's Harriet Martin.

BRIDE: AG, Oh, but Babbie, she could never get into my dress!

(And so on and so on)

Farce IX

(Day before the Wedding)

A BED ROOM, charmingly furnished in lemon-yellow and cerise. Stretched on the bed, with a wet towel about her tentples, the Bride.

BRIDE: (in a high voice) I do. No, that's too high, {in a low voice) I do.

WILL DO THAT (entering) No, that's too low. They'll think it's a couple of men getting married.

HONOUR Ag, how many aspirins can you take before you turn blue?

BED AND COCKING I don't know. How many have you taken?

WITH Six, so far.

THE MATTER? MAID Six! Well, I should say you'd be a nice deep ultramarine by the time the gun goes off.

I Ag, what shall I wear that's old, and what shall I borrow?

AM I? AW, : I don't know. Borrow my lingerie-clasps, if you like; it won't be the first time.

WEDDING) Ag, listen. "I do." Is that too high?

WITH CARRIAGES, AUTOMOBILES, Yes. Altogether.

HATS, Well, how's this?—I do—no, that's not right—I do—oh, did you hear my voice crack?—I know it will do that to-morrow!—I do—no, wait a minute—I do—Ag, listen: which is the best?—Ido. Ido. Ido.

JUST ARRIVED IN {bursting into shrieks of laughter) Oh, Kay!

BY {sitting up in bed and cocking one eye at her from under the towel, with dignity) Well, what's the matter?

THE LOADED REVOLVER {rolling on the floor and gasping) Oh, you're so funny!

ONE (bursting into hysterical sobbing) There I go again! Oh, ho, ho! She laughs! Ha, ha, ha! I'm funny, am I? Aw, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo!

(And so on and so on)

Farce X

(Day of the Wedding)

IN front of a fashionable church. Street

strewn with carriages, automobiles, gardenias, silk hats, etc. Entire cast assembled.

COMEDY OF {leaping from a carriage and waving a cablegram) Wait! Wait! Read this, somebody! I can't! {He faints)

STUNT (picking up cablegram and reading it aloud) JUST ARRIVED IN PARIS. THOUGHT I COULD BE MORE HELP BY GETTING OUT OF WAY THAN BY ANYTHING ELSE I COULD DO.

(Signed) THE BRIDEGROOM.