Standardization: or the Revolt of Illusius

Wherein a Rebellious Young Man Sets Out in Quest of the Ideal University

COREY FORD

IN THE Spring of the Year of Our Lord Nineteen Hundred and Twenty-Five there arose a mild disturbance among the Faculty of a Great University; and several members of the Administration were forced to take perfunctory action to rid the College at once of a group of undesirable young men whose ideals were incompatible with the ideals of Modern Education. The affair was handled with characteristic efficiency and was hushed up immediately afterwards; and so thorough were the methods employed, and so completely did the group disappear from the University, that up to the present moment no one has been the wiser. For this University has been called the Greatest University in the World; by which is meant that it has the largest number of students.

The revolt of these obnoxious young men, now come to light for the first time, was led by a young Sophist named Illusius, who presumably had been reading Upton Sinclair, since it was inconceivable in the minds of the Faculty that he could have had any such ideas of his own; whose father had probably come over from Russia (for the L'nivcrsity was being much embarrassed at the time by applicants whose fathers had come over from Russia) ; and who was undoubtedly a verv dangerous radical with curly black hair and a red necktie, who was apt to put a bomb under the Library or poison the President's asparagus, and whose immediate dismissal was the only possible guarantee of public safety, not to say private peace of mind.

FOR it was the belief of this amazing young man that the mechanical tendency of modern Educational Administration was really not a very good thing; indeed that the efficient examination systems and the whole expedient standardization of Culture were not quite as ideal as they might be. In fact it was whispered behind the closed doors of the Faculty Club that Illusius in his ignorance had assailed the fundamental ideals of Expediency and Efficiency themselves; and it was rumoured he had even gone so far as to deplore the fact that the Individual, his personal equation, his power of discrimination, the very colour of his mind, all were being lost sight of in the increasing business of Quantity Production.

Of course this last could be construed as nothing more nor nothing less than a bitter personal attack on the President himself, who had long since sacrificed whatever Culture he might have possessed to the demands of Big Business; and so the Faculty bolted the closed doors of the Faculty Club and held their ears until this amazing young man was safely out of the way. Fortunately this was accomplished with ease; a denial was issued to all the newspapers in the morning; and the unpleasant incident left no impression whatsoever on the tranquil progress of the Educational Administration of the Greatest University in the World. Semper excelsior.

"I am sorrv," said Illusius, as these undesirable young men gathered about him before the statue of Alma Mater on a bright morning in the Spring of the Year, "but 1 fear this must be our last meeting together."

The young men were astonished, and in their consternation they inquired into the reasons and causes of this statement. Indeed it was this unfortunate habit of inquiring into the reasons and causes that had occasioned all the trouble in the first place.

"I think the reasons and causes are best expressed in this letter 1 have received from the University Administration," answered Illusius; and he proceeded to read from the letter:

"It has come to the attention of the University Administration that you and your followers have been asking questions, expressing opinions, and otherwise interfering with the established order of things. It should be unnecessary for me to remind you that the possession and expression of ideas and ideals which are not compatible with the aims and purpose of this University interfere with its true and proper function.

"We therefore suggest that you complete your academic career at some other institution."

The letter was signed by the Secretary to the President of the Greatest Universitv in the World.

And so it was, in the Spring of the Year of Our Lord Nineteen Hundred and TwentyFive, that Illusius and his followers came to visit the L'nivcrsity of Avernus. This is the story:

'Fhc University of Avernus is a tremendous brick building which is located on the Main Street of Hades. There was occasional talk of the disadvantages of a city location; but the President of Avernus, Dr. Mammon, always reminded the students of the benefits of early contacts with the Older and Wiser Devils downtown. "Youth," he would sav, "cannot learn efficiency and expediency too soon." And indeed the architecture of Avernus emphasizes Efficiency and the teaching staff Expediency.

The building, a really inspiring structure, is seven blocks long, two blocks wide, and eightv stories high, and is peculiarly suited to the needs of Modern Education. The first thirtv stories are occupied by the Accumulation Department, which is the ideal Department of the University since it makes the most monev. It is attended in the Summer by school teachers who want an excuse to come to Hades, and in the Winter by people who haven't intelligence enough for a regular education.

THE next forty-nine floors are given over to the Supernumerary Schools. Each of these Schools consists of a Dean, a water-cooler, a Memorial Library, and a number of students who took their A. B. degrees at some other institution.

Fhe last elevator stop is the seventy-ninth floor. The top floor, the eightieth, is given over to a storeroom containing a cracked bust of Thomas Aquinas, the janitor's quarters, and the College.

I he College Campus is a corridor with a wash-basin at one end and an automatic shoeshining machine at the other. From a tinv window beside the wash-basin the students look far below for their inspiration—to the statue of Alma Mater. She is a demi-mondaine, with hair slightly disarranged and dark rings under her eyes. In her upraised hand she holds a banner upon which is written in gilt the motto of Avernus: "EXPEDIENCY."

THIS University represents the highest type of Education in Avernus.

" This must be one of the students now," said Illusius eagerly, as the young men approached a figure in a white robe who was standing outside the University. "Pardon me, sir," he said, raising his hat, "but are you a student heref"

"My name is Socrates," replied the stranger, "and I used to be on the Faculty of Avernus."

"Can you tell us how to get into Avernus?" asked Illusius. "I understand it is the Ideal University." "It is," said Socrates.

"We desire to enroll in the Ide.d University," said Illusius sharply, after an embarrassing pause during which Socrates observed him intently.

"There are no entrance requirements at Avernus, not even language requirements," said Socrates. "They merely measure you by an apparatus similar to that used in committing feeble-minded persons to an institution. This is called an Intelligence Test." He paused. "1 shall be waiting here on the steps when vou come out again."

"Thank you, my good man," said Illusius magnanimously, "but if this is the Ideal University we shan't come out."

"I shall be waiting," said Socrates.

No sooner had the newcomers entered the place than they were struck at once by the fact that every undergraduate looked exactly like his neighbor. Every set of hairs was parted exactly in the center; every suit contained an identical number of buttons, and terminated at the same angle in lapels; every pair of trousers was of a uniform width; every pair of brogues weighed a similar number of pounds. Each figure moved with the same hollowchested, inclined walk, and now and again scuffled a bit to some syncopation which he hummed to himself.

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Illusius now addressed himself to a student with five thicknesses of spectacles upon his nose. The man was named Studius, and he wore a big gold key which had been given him because he had a better memory than the rest, and could quote facts on an examination instead of thinking. This represented the highest ideal of learning in Avernus.

"We are anxious to enter the Ideal University," said Illusius, "and we should be obliged if you would show us the way."

"You must first go to the Efficiency Office," replied Studius. "I myself am going in that direction now, if you would care to accompany me." And so Illusius fell in beside this pleasant stranger.

"Who is this fellow Socrates?" he asked as they walked together. "Oh he was a professor here once," replied Studius, "but he published some opinions that were not the opinions of Avernus, and he was asked to leave by President Mammon. A mere radical."

"I see," said Illusius.

They now passed a vast room, like the center of a Department Store, where men and women were buying remnants at a huge bargain counter, and glaring signs over the cash registers offered Special Sales to the crowd of customers: "Special Offer: One yard of Algebra given free with every pound of Ethics." "Trade with Avernus—the World's Greatest Department Store!" "Today: Strictly Fresh Philosophy, made on our own premises." "Trade with Avernus—unusual bargains!" "Religion in air-tight tins; just add equal parts of water and serve." "Trade with Avernus—we do not deliver!" "Ready-Made History for sale here; personally inspected by the President." "Trade with Avernus—no credit to anybody!" "Politics: altered to fit."

"That is the University," explained Studius proudly. "You see you can buy anything you want there, on a cash-and-carry basis."

"Is there a wide choice of subjects in the undergraduate curriculum?" asked Illusius.

"There is none whatsoever," replied Studius. "A student is given each year one cubic book, which measures just five feet long by five feet wide by five feet high. All the facts contained therein must be taken out and laid side by side by the student in the form of a chain, and during the semester passed slowly in thru his left car and out thru his right ear. The Faculty simply exists to see that the chain is kept moving. At the end of a year an Examination is held, in which these facts are rearranged by the student in the cubic form, and given back to the Faculty again."

"Are the Faculty present at these Examinations?" asked Illusius. "Of course," replied Studius. "All the Examinations are given under the Honour System, and so it is obviously necessary for the Faculty to be there to see that the Honour is upheld."

Illusius said very little, because he was thinking. If this had been discovered, he would have been promptly hurled out of Avernus.

"This is the Chapel," said Studius, pointing to a huge building constructed like a stadium. "The principal religion of Avernus is A thleticant, and every noon we gather together to pray for the eligibility of, God, the Captain, God, the Quarterback, and God, the Holy Coach. Then we take up a collection, which is presented to God in the form of a scholarship."

"Who is this?" questioned Illusius, indicating a student who was obviously a literary man because he wore his hair down his back, and in addition had large asses' ears behind which he carried his pens and pencils.

"He is Vacuus," replied Studius, "and he is the editor of The Daily Hokum, our undergraduate newspaper. He is called the perfect Editor, because he is strong in the Editorial Virtues of obedience and a lack of curiosity into the reasons and causes; and possesses in great abundance Editorial Words which are pleasant and safe. He is even now carrying a copy of tomorrow's Editorial to be approved by the Secretary of Expediency," added Studius impressively, as Vacuus entered a narrow passageway, "for this is the Efficiency Office at last." And so saying he ushered Illusius through a heavy iron door.

The door had no sooner closed behind him than Illusius felt himself overcome by the sodden stench of burning flesh; and his ears were deafened by agonized cries which seemed to issue from hot steel moulds located along the walls of the Outer Office. He grew faint in the horrid confusion.

When Illusius re-opened his eyes, he found himself laid out on an operating table, while his measurements were being taken carefully by a half dozen men in white robes and hoods. The Secretary of Expediency hovered about, rubbing his hands and beaming through his glasses.

"Let me up!" shouted Illusius, struggling to his feet.

"Everything is quite all right," smiled the Secretary calmly. "We have your measurements, and a mould will be vacant in a few moments. I am not at all sure from the measurements we have taken whether you will ever be an Avernian; but rest assured that we shall do our best. . . ."

"Good God, what is that shrieking outside?" gasped Illusius.

"Some new students are being fitted into the Avernian mould," replied the Secretary with a smile. "They are badly out of proportion, and we are putting them through the super-heating process in hope of melting them into the proper shapes. Of course if we are unsuccessful, they will be no good for anything else," sighed the Secretary of Expediency.

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"What are those?" asked Illusius faintly, peering through the door at three huge moulds standing against a wall. These moulds differed from the other moulds he had noticed, because the portions which held the heads of the occupants were square. More men in white robes and hoods were turning screws to reduce the size of these steel cubes; and as the screws tightened the cries of the occupants grew fainter and fainter.

"Those are several members of the Faculty," smiled the Secretary pleasantly. "They allowed their braincells to grow too big, and President Mammon has asked me to reduce them to the proper size."

"What is the proper size?" murmured Illusius. "President Mammon's," replied the Secretary.

The smoke from burning flesh which had obscured the other wall now lifted slightly for the first time, and Illusius saw many red-hot moulds which other men in white robes and hoods were endeavoring to close by the use of sledge-hammers. When a portion of the body protruded it was efficiently removed by a quick stroke of a hammer. In the meantime a steady rain of blows on the sides of the moulds was reducing their contents to a jelly which, the Secretary was confident, would assume the Avernian mould when it cooled.

"And these?" asked Illusius faintly.

"Some outcasts from another world," smiled the Secretary. "They called themselves students of the Greatest University. . . ."

With a yell of horror Illusius dashed into the Outer Office, and knocked over the moulds; and with the mangled forms of his comrades he fled from Avern us.

As they dashed into the street they met Socrates, waiting as he had promised.

"Did you say this was the Ideal University?" gasped Illusius.

"I did," said Socrates.

"I am afraid we cannot be satisfied here. Can you tell us how to find the University of Heaven?"

Socrates turned away slowly. "There are no Universities in Heaven."