Slander

Showing How a Jealous Husband May Unjustly Suspect His Wife

FRANZ MOLNAR

A PLEASANTLY furn ished business office. On the wall there are portraits of prominent importers. A small collection of financial books. A stove. The head of the office—the Husband in the drama—is receiving a private detective whom he has employed for the past two weeks to watch his wife.

THE DETECTIVE: Good morning, sir.

HUSBAND: Come in, Mr. Harvan, you are very welcome. I sent for you because, as time has passed on my trip to Berlin, I've grown terribly curious. I have just returned to Vienna. When one has been away for two weeks one becomes curious . . . one . . . well, what have you found out?

DETECTIVE: The material that I have been able to collect during the time of your absence is all here. For two whole weeks I have watched every move that your wife—that the lady in question has taken.

HUSBAND: And my wife hasn't suspected anything?

DETECTIVE: Why, my dear sir, how could you possibly have so little confidence in our. . . in my . . .

HUSBAND: Good. So much for that. Well, what's the news?

DETECTIVE: I shall begin with the anonymous letter that you received before you went away. (He reads) Sir, your wife has been behaving in a shocking manner with one Carl Strauss whom she has chosen to honor with her friendship. Investigate for yourself. Both of them are conducting themselves so outrageously that it would not be at all difficult to catch them red-handed. Signed: One who has your best interest at heart. P.S. The whole of Vienna is already laughing at you.

HUSBAND: Well, what else is there?

DETECTIVE: The day you left, sir, I began to work on the case. That same afternoon the lady allowed Mr. Strauss to escort her to the new skating rink. I followed close behind them. Now, here is Exhibit No. 1. A record of their conversation on the ice: Mr. Strauss: "I've been thinking about you for a long time. The other day when we met at the Hertzf elds' I could hardly refrain from kissing your beautiful shoulder as we danced together."

HUSBAND: And what did my wife say?

DETECTIVE: She said: "You are positively impertinent." Mr. Strauss: "Don't you like to be kissed?" The Lady: "You are getting worse and worse." Mr. Strauss: "I'll die . . Lady: "I wouldn't care if you did." Mr. Strauss: "Then you'll die with me, you vampire woman." Lady: "If you talk that way to me I won't have anything more to do with you." But, just at that moment, Mr. Kronstein appeared on the scene.

HUSBAND: Where?

DETECTIVE: There, on the ice. Mr. Leo Kronstein; The President of the Passiva Bank, Chief Stockholder of the Alserback Company.

HUSBAND: Yes, yes, I know.

DETECTIVE: Not the young Mr. Kronstein from Budapest, but the old fat one who weighs 250 pounds and is so tremendously rich . . .

HUSBAND: Are you trying to tell me about Leo Kronstein? Why, he is my best friend, he is like a brother to me.

DETECTIVE: Mr. Kronstein appeared upon the scene and Mr. Strauss then said to the lady: "It's all over with me, now that Kronstein has arrived." The Lady: "What have you to complain about? You said you were the best looking man in all Vienna. Well, the world is yours." Mr. Strauss: "What's the use of my good looks if I can't have you?" The Lady: "Good looks have never made any impression on me."

HUSBAND: Hurrah, that's the kind of a wife to have. (Almost weeping) To think that I could suspect a woman like that.

DETECTIVE: The lady then left Mr. Strauss standing there and went off with Mr. Kronstein. They got into Mr. Kronstein's limousine together. On the way to the car the following conversation took place: Mr. Kronstein: "Who was that puppet?" The Lady: "The handsome Carl Strauss." Mr. Kronstein: "If I ever see you with that jackass again I will kill you." The Lady: "Oh, I can't stand him, or any man of his type."

HUSBAND: Hurrah, to think that anyone could write me an anonymous letter about such a woman. Do you know that, out of a hundred women, ninety-nine would be overjoyed if Mr. Strauss so much as looked at them?

DETECTIVE: Yes, indeed. Every week I have two or three investigations to make in which he is involved.

HUSBAND: And?

DETECTIVE: In every case I've caught him, caught him with another man's wife . . . HUSBAND: But never with mine. DETECTIVE: NO, indeed. She turned him down, completely.

HUSBAND: And even such a woman some one tried to slander. That's Vienna for you. That's society. Well, let's get on.

DETECTIVE: (Taking out another paper) Now, here is Exhibit No. 2: A day or so later, on the corner of the Opera House and the Square, at 3:30 P.M., Mr. Strauss was waiting for the lady. She came up to him and said: "Am I on time?"

HUSBAND: Ah ... (Suspiciously) Oh? DETECTIVE: Mr. Strauss: "You are most punctual. But why come here where it's so icy cold? Why not to my cosy little apartment?" The Lady: "You'll never get me there." HUSBAND: Hurrah!

DETECTIVE: Mr. Strauss: "Never?" The Lady: "Believe me, never." Mr. Strauss: "Yes, because you are afraid of Leo Kronstein." Lady: "It's none of your business who I am afraid of. But I am not so stupid as to let myself be influenced by cheap good looks like yours."

HUSBAND: What an angel, what a martyr. What do you say to that?

DETECTIVE: I very seldom come across anything as wonderful as that in my practice. HUSBAND: (His mind at rest) Well, go on. DETECTIVE: Mr. Strauss accompanied the

lady as far as the Stockeneisen, where Mr. Kronstein's limousine stood waiting. Five minutes later Mr. Kronstein drove up in a smaller car. Mr. Strauss, when he saw him, remarked: "Well, here comes the master; I'd better be going." The Lady: "You can jump into the Danube for all that I care."

HUSBAND: YOU don't mean it? If every married woman in Vienna were to give an answer like that, it would put an end to the seductions of such professional home-breakers. This wretch . . . this dam . . . (He works himself into a rage, becomes red in the face, and cannot seem to frame another word.)

ETECTIVE: The Lady drove with Mr. Kronstein in the small car to the silk house of Kary on Lug Avenue and he conducted her to the brocade department. She then picked out a most beautiful dark blue piece of brocade with a dull pattern of flowers. Mr. Kronstein immediately bought a large piece of it.

HUSBAND: What for?

DETECTIVE: The carosserie of the Kronstein limousine is complete and adequate. It is all in mahogany. But the new Citroen car in which he arrived that day is only upholstered in plain gray plush. He opened the door of the Citroen, turned on the light, and told the clerk to spread the brocade over the seat. The lady was delighted with the effect and Mr. Kronstein said: "See, my darling, nothing in the world could be better! Your new car will be upholstered in the same material as the lining of your new fur coat." Then they returned to the shop, had one more piece of material measured off for the furrier, ordered the large piece to be sent to the upholsterer, and took the smaller one to the furrier themselves. There the lady tried on her new fur coat. Mr. Kronstein paid $4,000 for the coat. Then they got into the Citroen car again, whereupon Mr. Kronstein said: "Sweetheart, will you allow me to ride in your car with you?" The Lady: "But it doesn't belong to me yet. I am going to get it for an Easter present." Mr. Kronstein: "No, darling, it belongs to you already." Thereupon Mr. Kronstein got into the car but his hat fell off his head and he bent down to pick it up. The lady took advantage of the opportunity to kiss him on the bald spot on his head. Mr. Strauss was watching this procedure from the opposite sidewalk. He lifted his hat, laughing silently to himself as he saw them drive off. They both went to Mr. Kronstein's villa.

HUSBAND: I wonder why?

DETECTIVE: That night I covered the house —all night long. The next morning I was still standing in front of the Kronstein villa. The lady had had supper there the night before and she did not come out of the house before nine o'clock in the morning. Then there was a dramatic scene. From one of the side streets there suddenly appeared Mr. Strauss who must have been shadowing her too. When the lady closed the front door behind her, Mr. Strauss pounced upon her. He was pale and trembling in every limb. "You are just leaving last night's supper party now?" he asked. The Lady: "What business is that of yours?" Mr. Strauss: "That's a fine supper party that lasts until nine the next morning." The Lady: "What do you think you are? The guardian of public morals?" Mr. Strauss: "While your husband is

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wrangling with his customers in Berlin to insure you a comfortable existence, you are betraying him." The Lady: "Leave my husband out of this. You arc not good enough to polish his shoes."

HUSBAND: (With tears in his eyes) The darling . . .

DETECTIVE: (Reading on) Mr. Strauss: "I shall consider it my duty to disillusion your husband, whom I honor and respect." The Lady: "I consider myself above the reproaches of a man like you. If you go to my husband and slander me he will kick you out of the house. And now this is the end. Once for all, I never want to see you again." With that the lady stepped into her car, I mean Mr. Kronstein's, and slammed the door behind her with such fury that the chauffeur turned around in astonishment. And off she went.

HUSBAND: That's the way to treat such beasts. If all the wives in Vienna would follow her example! Well, what else is there?

DETECTIVE: There is no more to report. After all this, sir, I came to the conclusion that it would be senseless to continue my investigations any further. The lady banished Mr. Strauss from her presence so vigorously . . .

HUSBAND: AS no one has ever been able to do before.

DETECTIVE: Yes, indeed, sir. I must admit that my investigations of Mr. Strauss's affairs have never before produced such negative results.

HUSBAND: SO there are still respectable women left in Vienna.

DETECTIVE: Very few, sir, very few. But there must be some.

HUSBAND: Of course, of course, there are very few respectable women. And even the few that there are are exposed to slander and anonymous letters. I am ashamed of myself for ever having listened to that letter. But, in a way, I am glad that I have proved her innocence. She certainly chased him away like the cad that he is.

DETECTIVE: Indeed, sir, she gave him very short notice. (He gathers his papers together.)

HUSBAND: And . . . and your bill?

DETECTIVE: Oh, thank you, sir, that doesn't matter.

HUSBAND: But, of course. How much do I owe you?

DETECTIVE: It's not worth while talking about it, as I was only able to give you a negative report.

HUSBAND: On the contrary, in that case one is even more willing to pay. Well, how much?

DETECTIVE: I didn't want to bother you with such a trifle. Mr. Kronstein was good enough to let me charge it to him, along with his own case.

HUSBAND: With his own case?

DETECTIVE: Mr. Kronstein is having me shadow her as well. He has a running account. So I just added this on to his bill.

HUSBAND: But I hope my wife did not know that she was being watched?

DETECTIVE: God forbid.

HUSBAND: SO much the better. I would feel very badly if I had hurt her feelings by being so unreasonably suspicious.

DETECTIVE: You are right, sir, and Mr. Kronstein agrees with you.

HUSBAND: YOU are perfectly sure that she hasn't the slightest idea of it?

DETECTIVE: Not the faintest.

HUSBAND: That's splendid. Well, good-bye, then.

DETECTIVE: Good-bye, sir. (Exits)

HUSBAND: (Sighs with relief, as if a great weight had rolled from his mind.)

CURTAIN