Out to Lunch

Dr. Thomas T. Noguchi, Hollywood's "Coroner to the Stars," wields a knife and fork with JOHN HEILPERN

JOHN HEILPERN

T MET my lunch date, Dr. Thomas T. X Noguchi, the brilliant and controversial forensic pathologist known as "Coroner to the Stars," at a celebrity book signing at the B. Dalton bookstore in West Hollywood. He was autographing copies of his best-seller, Coroner, looking cheerful as he meticulously wrote in each, "Forensically yours."

Business was quite brisk. "Good luck to you and your book!" called one customer. "I like your style," Dr. Noguchi replied.

He was sitting at a little table next to a blowup of himself. When someone peered at the photograph, he looked up and said, "That's me!"

"It is!" came the delighted response. "It's Doc Noguchi!"

The doctor is famous for investigating the deaths of the famous, among them those of Marilyn Monroe, William Holden, Janis Joplin, Natalie Wood, and John Belushi. The television series Quincy is said to be based on his career. But when I met Dr. Noguchi he was, as he described himself, "a coroner in exile." He had been demoted from chief medical examiner of Los Angeles County to the routine post of autopsy physician on the grounds of mismanaging his office and using it for personal publicity, but he intends to appeal the case and sue the county for $1 million. He has had T-shirts made that read, "Support Your Local Coroner."

And many people appear to. "I hope you win your appeal!" shouted one customer, and others joined in. "You're all coming to the victory party," Dr. Noguchi said with a smile, shaking hands like a politician in search of re-election.

"You see, that's what the bureaucrats don't like about me," he said as we went to lunch. "Visibility."

We ate at the Hard Rock Cafe, which has a Cadillac sticking out of its roof. "This is a great place in the evening too," he said. He ordered a No. 15, a smoked-turkey sandwich, which arrived with two small pieces of wood, shaped

like toothpicks, holding it together.

"Superb," said Dr. Noguchi.

"Do you lunch at the mortuary?'' I asked.

"No," he answered. "I lunch at breakfast. It's a Japanese custom. I like a light lunch and a big breakfast—fish, perhaps, or meat."

"I don't believe it!" cried a large lady in pink as she passed by. "Could I trouble you for your autograph? I have your book here. I love it."

"Terrific!" Dr. Noguchi said.

"I think you're a genius!"

"Continue!" cried Dr. Noguchi.

"I work for Pierce Brothers," the pink lady continued.

"What's that?" I asked.

"A funeral home. My family worked in the mortuary. I'm also a psychic."

"Really!" Dr. Noguchi exclaimed.

She held his hands tightly in hers. "Who's Harrietta?" she asked with real urgency.

"I don't know," said Dr. Noguchi.

"There's a Harrietta."

"I've never heard of a Harrietta," he replied, not unkindly.

Soon she kissed him good-bye, and he kissed her.

"Fame suits you," I said.

"Yes, sir! It's a great honor to be recognized, and certainly I wanted forensic medicine to be understood by the public. I have made every attempt."

"Indeed.

"I'm a very happy man."

"I believe you. And yet you work with dead bodies every day."

"But I do not see a dead body. I see the key to a mystery."

"So you're a kind of forensic detective?"

"I am a forensic detective! When death occurs, I move in. The Kojaks will be out looking for the murderer, whereas my speciality begins with the dead body. What caused the death? We interview witnesses, check the life-style of the deceased. I work with toxicologists, criminologists, dentists. I think it's a noble profession. Our department investigates 17,000 deaths a year."

"Good heavens!"

"About one in four deaths within the community is investigated by us. Poisoning, drowning, death by drugs, suicide, homicide—all things."

"How would you commit the perfect murder?"

"I could tell you," he answered coyly, "but I won't. It would only make my job more difficult. But there's a couple of reasons why I couldn't commit the perfect murder. It's something you can't really practice. It takes practice. Secondly, I'd feel guilty. The human factor will always give people away. Signs of haste. Bodies are often buried in shallow graves. Bodies are leaky—they leak blood. Bodies are heavy to carry. If a second person helps, he may betray you. It's almost impossible to dispose of dead bodies without leaving a trail of evidence— fragments of hair, fingernail marks... "

"Oh, God," I thought.

"Haven't eaten so well in a long time!" Dr. Noguchi announced, slicing happily through the smoked turkey.

We left the Hard Rock Cafe and returned to the bookstore. Dr. Noguchi wanted to take home the blowup of himself. As he peeled his own photograph slowly and carefully out of its frame, another gradually emerged underneath. It was of Shirley MacLaine.