Astrology

VANITIES

Cogito, Virgo sum

Caim yourselves, Virgos. As of March 9, 1988, all the fortune cookies you pull should tell you to expect good news from abroad, gain from education or publishing, and a plentiful harvest. High time, too. You're long overdue to be rewarded for all those convent floors you scrubbed in your previous life, as well as for all the drunks you've helped across the street in this one. You just might, God willing, be enjoying yourself next year. One hitch: your domestic scene is a tad shaky. It might be a good idea to double your flood insurance, and be sure your new property does not lie over a major fault line. There will definitely be some infiltration of undesirable elements in your home area, so don't get bugged if Sunday dinner turns into a Halloween party. Even your nearest and dearest are going to cause you a lot of stomach gas. When passing a happy family scene in the park, make a conscious effort not to growl or gag. Above all, be charitable to the fortunate. If things get too heavy, consider the little ants, who carry around fifty times their weight in stale bread crumbs without ever collapsing under the stress. They're all Virgos.

Hot flash to Aries: The manic wave is over. Slow down and live.

Hot flash to Capricorn: Those higher powers you always feared would be bad for business are the only things that will save you from a cosmic Chapter 11.

CONFIDENTIAL TO STEPHEN KING, HORROR AUTHOR: I agree with your fans: you give great goose bumps. All of us have childhood goblins that hunt h us down as grown-ups, but yours must have been doozies to turn you into the modern-day Poe. It's wonderful that you can get all those weird thoughts off your chest and be fabulously successful at the same time. Well, 1988 should give you a chance to do it in spades. The upcoming Saturn-Uranus conjunction could open up some old war wounds, so you'll probably be hearing plenty of screams in the night. But remember, only a Virgo can turn misery into cash.

Hot flash to Michael Jackson: How could you even contemplate purchasing the bones of the Elephant Man? Virgos may be known for their lousy personal lives, but certainly you could do better than that. Even Club Med would be a step up.

Michael Lutin