VANITY FAIR'S 1996 HALL OF FAME

The last 12 months had their dark side-H.M.O.'s, Dick Morris, Filegate, the Bosnian electioin, the American election-but ANNIE LEIBOVITZ and HERB RITTS focus on the silver lining, while ROBERT RISKO illustrates the enduring power of radio, and DAVID KAMP's rhyming couplets go where Angell fears to tread

'GREETINGS, FRIENDS! AND MERRY-" THUD! Oh, God, I've just spilled Angell's blood. Messy scene, this Yuletide violence— Only meant him briefly silenced. Actually sort of like the codger. You can hear me, Roger? Roger? Well, while he rehabs his noggin. Hop aboard the of toboggan. You in back, give us a push, And down the bumpy path we'll whoosh. Talkin' turkey 'bout this year. (Parents, switch on V-chip here.)

Behold the V.F. Hall of Fame (A "year-end best" in all but name). Cast of Rent, congrats, you made it; Not you. Grease!— you're f***ing hated. So, in fact, are all the phonies Who put hexes on the Tonys. Victor/Victoria? Garbage, truly! Blake's all washed up; sorry, Julie. Big only a prig could dig; Glad they finally pulled the trig. What's that, boss? I'm not "on message"? O.K., sled, do your own dressage; Take us 'tween the Norway spruces, Past dishonored Mideast truces, Out to where the land gets flatter (And the folks get, frankly, fatter). On his turf, we'll quote Bob Dole: "Bob Dole can't stand lumps of coal." Righto, Bob, we'll spare your stocking, But we won't hold back from mocking Dennis Rodman, B-ball's crassest, Mark Helprin, the closet Fascist, Stephen Dorff and Stephen Covey, Tico Torres, Jon Bon Jovi, Ellen's prolonged coming-out, Philip Roth—the sexist lout!— John du Pont, though he's a loony, Val Kilmer (he's no George Clooney), All those dim Montana Freemen, Ditto Carlos Leon's semen, Wayne Chrebet, the hapless Jet, John-John and his bride Bessette, Can't stop yet, lest we forget The women of the Internet!

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Once upon a time there was a girl from Long Island named Rosie, who loved to watch TV, especially the talk shows starring Merv Griffin, Mike Douglas, and Johnny Carson. When she grew up, Rosie became a comedian herself, winning the grand prize on Star Search, scoring big on The Tonight Show (with Jay, not Johnny), appearing in Sleepless in Seattle, The Flints tones, and A League of Their Own (where she forged a true-blue friendship with Madonna).

One day, the stork (an adoption agency actually) brought Rosie a son, Parker, and now they spend days together at a TV studio, where Rosie chatters—quite brilliantly—on her own, eponymous variety program. Recently, Parker's mommy made headlines by forcing Donny Osmond to sing "Puppy Love" to her while dressed as a dog (his punishment for implying she was fat); she also, after weeks of on-air begging and cajoling, persuaded Tom Cruise to be a guest. Last spring, a good fairy (actually, Warner Books) gave Rosie a reported $3 million to write somethingenough to renovate her big Federal house in Nyack, New York (which used to belong to Helen Hayes). And now Parker and Rosie, ensconced in their castle, can live happily ever after.

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(Continued from page 245)

ET'S KISS BENEATH THE MISTLE—" BASH! Roger, please, you need to crash! Heading south, our ride gets scary. Here's where Disney, far from chary, Has, to praise and much renown, Launched its own for-profit town. "Celebration, Fla.," they call it, But the truth will soon befall it, When, from high atop a steeple, We'll scream, "Soylent Green is peopleT Hold on, gang, our sled is listing; Turning right, there's no resisting Visiting that mausoleum Where Brooke Shields gets her per diem. Was it coke, or wanton boozin'. That green-lighted Suddenly Susan? To NBC, we just say, "Ugh! Bring back Cheers and Kerri Strug!" Round the next bend goes our sleigh Past the Joe Klein Passion play. Sure, he lied, but hey, accusers, We don't care; you're Beltway losers! More deserved, the angry chorus Greeting Vaffaire de Diek Morris. Facts have left us hard and wizened: Campaign's over, but he isn't. Poor Phil Gramm was not as lucky. Nor that guy south of Kentucky. Woodsman's shirts won't get you far; Too bad your plaid did bad, Lamar. Shoot, we just can't leave alone Roger "Pecs of Granite" Stone, Joe Waldholtz, the dimwit hippo, Clinton and his pals at Lippo, Steve Forbes and his flat-tax voodoo, Keyes and Lugar, mired in doo-doo, Sundry kooks and Morry Taylor, Amy Fisher's starstruck jailer, Infinite Jest's awards-time snubbing, Bijou Phillips, queen of clubbing, Striptease and The Cable Guy, The Choice, The Rules, The Zone— oh, my! Farrakhan we shan't discuss, Except to say, "Get off the bus!"

'H.O, HO, HO, GOOD READERS—" THWACK! Don't worry, folks, he won't be back. Onward, sled, to '97! Here's hoping that we can leaven Spirits with our rhythmic rhyming, Quick asides, and clever timing. Here's to Newt's next ethics hearing. C'mon, gang, let's all try cheering, Down in Mexico, despondent, Ted Kaczynski's correspondent. Here's to more subpoena-servin' On the Cowboys' Michael Irvin. Here's to Roger Ailes' travails; Drinks on me if Fox News fails. Raise a glass to Marion BarryStrange, how often his moods vary! Hoist a nog to Kenneth Starr, And shut yer gob, Rob Alomar! Let's knock whomever Di is seeing And pray that some wise higher being Will smash that Agnew bust to shards And turn off all the credit cards Of Duchess Fergie, F. Lee Bailey, Ev'ry picket-crossing Yalie, Ev'ry grim female Grimaldi (Both the cute one and the baldie), Ev'ry soul o'ercome by greed— Stand up, Mouna Al-Rashid!— Ms. Sandy Pittman, haute Nanook (Forget the Sherpa! How do / look?), Jessica Dubroff's New Age mom (My daughter's dead and yet I'm calm!) Christie Brinkley and her harem. And—hell, why not?—Bobby Zarem.

O.K., O.K., O.K., I HEAR IT: How dare you sully the holiday spirit? Right you are, so I'll appease In double time; up-tempo, please! All this negativity is causing me a-pain-ah; Please, please, please, don't peg me a complain-ah; Something horrible is pressed against my brain-ah: Heeeeeeeey, Macarena!

THE I.P.O BOOM

The first corporation traded o] the New York Stock Exchange1 Bank of New York in 1791, arg the first I.P.O. (initial public o 205 years later, the 1996 I.P. raised more than $33.5 billio/ offerings that include sueh c as Gulfstream, Steinway, ami . the largest ever, AT&T's spin-off Lucem Technologies. What's appealing about I.P. Y.'s in the 1990s is the sexy, high-profile fashion and food companies now being trded publicly. After all, Planet Hollywood's Demi, Arnold, Bruce, and Sly rang he opening bell on Wall Street, and RevloT I had Cindy Crawford and Claudia Sclnffer on the floor of the N.Y.S.E. celebrate its finally complete I.P.O. That d ught to drive up any stock a few poir ts. Here are just some of the glamoroi players whose I.P.O.'s have cor trihuted to the great stock rush.

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FOR DETAILS, SEE CREDITS PAGE

HALL OF FAME '96

FOR DETAILS, SEE CREDITS PAGE

HALL OF FAME '96

HALL OF FAME '96

MUHAMMAD ALI

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January 17,1942: Cassius Marcell us Clay Jr. born in Louisville, Kentucky.

August 30, 1960: Wins light-heavyweight boxing gold medal at Rome Olympics.

February 25, 1964: Defeats Sonny Liston to become heavyweight champion of the world.

February 28, 1964: Becomes member qf Nation of Islam: changes name to Muhammad Ali.

June 25, 1967: Is stripped of title and found guilty of violating Selective Service Act for refusing to join army, receives live-year maximum jail sentence.

June 20, 1970: Supreme Court reverses conviction.

October 30, 1974: Fights George Foreman in Zaire to regain world heavyweight crown.

September 30, 1975: Beats Joe Frazier in "The Thrilla in Manila."

December 11, 1981: In last light, loses to Trevor Berbick.

July 19, 1996: Lights Olympic torch in Atlanta: receives gold medal to replace one he says he threw into Ohio River 36 years ago.

HALL OF FAME '

'REN

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Winner oti~ 96Pv1itzer Prize for drama and four ions .Vssard~. including best nui'~ica1, best 4ginaI musical core, and best book for a musical for the late composer Jonathan Larson. ()rightal-cast recording debuted at No. 19 Hiilhoard pop-album chart. Scorsei nd l)e \iro to make the film sersiouwith 1iramax. CIoMi.se from k/i: Byron I. (Icy (e (;wensw~art(en~nibk), Gilles (hiasson (ensemble). limfflh~ Britten l'arker(ense.~Ie), Fredi Walker (Joanne), le I)iggs(Benn~). Idina \len,cl(\laureen). dam Paseal(Roj~er), Rodne~ I-licks (ensemble), I)aphne Ruhin-Vega (\Iinii). Vs ilson .Jerrnaine licredia (Angel: 1996 Tqn~~inner for best featured actor in a musical), nthon~ Rapp (\lark), Aiko \akasone (ensemble), .Pesse I.. \lartin (loni (ollins), Kristen Lee KeH~ (ensemble).

HALL OF FAME '96

SAVION GLOVER

Made his Broadway debut at age 12 in The Tap Dance Kid: starred opposite Gregory Hines in the musical Jelly's Last Jam (1992); youngest person in history to receive an endowment grant from the N.E.A.; performed a tribute to Gene Kelly at the 1996 Academy Awards; won the 1996 Tony Award for best choreography for the musical Bring in Da Noise. Bring in Da Funk, a hip-hop tapfest which traces the history of black America and, along with Rent, gives the Great White Way some cutting-edge sensibility; shoe size: 12'/: EE.

"My style is ran: my style is what 1 live, my style is my story "

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HALL OF FAME '96

REM KOOLHAAS

Age: 52.

Description: co-founder of O.M.A.,

the Rotterdam-based Office for Metropolitan

Architecture.

Inspiration: Piranesi, the 18th-century architect known for his fanciful prints of prisons.

Manifestos: his Delirious New York (Oxford University Press. 1978). for which Koolhaas conceived his ow n Blade Runner-csque metropolis: the 1.376-page, six-pound S. M. L. XL (Monacelli Press. 1996).

Most ambitious project (completed): his S67 million Lille Grand Palais convention center in France.

Most ambitious project (future): new master plan for MCA's 415-acre Universal C ity. Edgar Bronfman Jr.'s choice of Koolhaas mirrors his grandfather's commissioning of the groundbreaking 1958 Mies van der Rohe Seagram Building in New York City.

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HALL OF FAME '96

CHRISTOPHER REEVE

Sweet are the uses of adversity. —William Shakespeare. As You Like It. Aet II, Scene I

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HALL OF FAME '96

1938 RADIO STARS

Radio was one of the few industries which thrived during the Great Depression, and when the audience demanded bigger and better programs with bigger and better talent, network executives produced them. The airwaves were filled with music from the top voices of the 30s, dramatic series such as True Romances, comedy acts such as Amos and Andy, serials such as Ma Perkins, talent contests such as Major Bowes' Original Amateur Hour, quiz shows such as Beat the Band, and, most of all, celebrity showcases such as Lux Radio Theatre, directed by Cecil B. DeMille, with stars like Cary Grant, Katharine Hepburn, Humphrey Bogart, and Jimmy Stewart. Covarrubias drew Radio Talent, this gallery of radio's biggest stars, in 1938, a pinnacle year for "the wireless," which culminated in Orson Welles's Halloween hoax with his "The War of the Worlds," for Mercury Theatre.

HALL OF FAME '96

1996 RADIO STARS

It seems that video did not kill the radio star. In 1996, more than 160 million people listened to radio nationwide, and radio revenues were about $13 billion, slightly more than the earnings of network TV. Westinghouse will spend a reported $3.7 billion for Infinity Broadcasting (home of Howard Stern and Don Imus), and Stern has completed filming a major motion picture based on his best-selling book Private Parts, in which he claims that "if you were half a mutant you could probably get on the radio." In this drawing, V.F. contributing artist Risko has captured many of the popular radio voices in music, talk, sports, and news today.