John Rivers

Proust Questionnaire

From the Tonight Show days to the big room at Caesars to QVC, Joan Rivers has proved to be the most resilient of entertainment fixtures. This month, as she publishes her memoir titled Bouncing Back, Rivers demonstrates that she will always be the barbed one-liner's reigning queen

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Any issue of Vanity Fair without a naked Demi Moore on the cover.

What is your greatest fear?

Being poor—or, worse, having Kelsey Grammer fight with Teddy Kennedy over who is to drive me home.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Marie Antoinette—she had great style, and her last words were "Shit, just when I got my hair right."

Which living person do you most admire?

None. Unfortunately, we are in an age of antiheroes.

What is your greatest extravagance?

Gold-leafing anything that doesn't move—and taking Marlon Brando to dinner.

What is your favorite journey?

Starting at Machu Picchu, then on to the Himalayas, and ending up in the bakery where Elvis exploded.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Honesty—but I'm really lying when I say that.

On what occasion do you lie?

When it will ease a situation, avoid hurting someone I care about, or when I bump into Barbra Streisand after one of her screenings.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

"Relax, I'm just joking."

What is your greatest regret?

Passing on Jackie's blender at the Kennedy-estate auction.

Which talent would you most like to have?

Mel Gibson.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would have flesh-toned varicose veins.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

Something small, like a flower ... or an autumn leaf. . . or Jackie Chan.

What is your most treasured possession?

Besides my daughter, Melissa, and my fiance, Orin Lehman, my bee pin from my Joan Rivers Classics Collection. It was the first item I ever sold, and it opened doors for a whole new career.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Lack of hope . . . and living in L.A. without a good body.

Where would you like to live?

Eighteenth-century France, but with plumbing and plastic surgery.

What is the quality you most like in a man?

Humor, intelligence, honesty, and abs.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Honesty, humor, loyalty, and if she's homelier than I am, then I'm really happy.

Who are your favorite writers?

Jane Austen!!! I've seen all her movies.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

O. J. Simpson, from his autobiography.

What is it that you most dislike?

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens... if I continue, will there be a copyright problem?

How would you like to die?

Coming offstage after a five-minute standing ovation, falling into the arms of my lover, and having the doctor look at me and say, "This is impossible! She looks much too young to go!"

What is your motto?

I have two. The first is "Get on with it." The second is "Don't eat anything you pick up off the sidewalk."