Howard Stem

Proust Questionnaire

Pioneering king of the shock jocks, Howard Stern has parlayed FM-radio fame into mega-cult status. This month, the legend grows larger as Stern stars in the movie adaptation of his best-selling book Private Parts and proves that his abrasive style translates into any medium—even questionnaires

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

Me. I love everything about me. Everyone else has faults.

What is your greatest achievement?

A No. 1 radio show across the entire country, two best-sellers, the highestgrossing pay-per-view entertainment special in history, and successfully corrupting the morals of an entire generation.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

A stranger putting her hands down my pants.

What is your greatest fear?

I'm at a radio convention surrounded by idiots like the bloated Rush Limbaugh and he eats so much his giant pumpkin head explodes all over me.

What is it that you most dislike?

Anytime anyone besides me is successful.

What words or phrases do you most overuse?

"Dude" and "Kiss my ass in Macy's window, you stupid rat Jap bastard."

When and where were you happiest?

Summer camp surrounded by Jews.

What is your current state of mind?

I am sad. I am always sad.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Stupidity. There are people out there who take life way too seriously because they are too dumb to get the joke.

What living person do you most despise?

There would be 12 of them. The idiots who sat on O.J.'s jury.

What is your greatest extravagance?

My bathroom. It's white marble and it's way too big.

What is your favorite journey?

I hate all journeys. My biggest fear is leaving

the house, and I'd prefer that my greatest journey be to

the kitchen and back.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

The fear that I make my living in radio. I think circus clowns have more prestige.

What is your favorite occupation?

Social worker. I have a strong desire to help fucked-up slobs with no hope in their lives whatsoever. I don't know—I guess I'm a sensitive guy deep down.

What is your most marked characteristic?

My pretty feet. They look good with a little polish and wrapped in my fine leather sandals.

What is the quality you most like in a man?

I like eyes, broad shoulders, and hands.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?

Eyes, broad shoulders, and hands.

What do you most value in your friends?

The ability to keep their mouths shut.

Who are your favorite writers?

The entire staff of the National Enquirer. They write simply and elegantly.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

God would most likely want to punish me, so I'd come back as Larry King's first wife.

How would you like to die?

At the hands of Fidel Castro while invading Cuba.

What is your greatest regret?

Doing this interview.