TOM GREEN

PROUST QUESTIONNAIRE

As host of a subversive MTV show, Tom Green installed a papier-mâché sculpture of his parents in flagrante delicto on their own suburban front lawn, and even mined his own battle with testicular cancer for laughs. On the eve of his ever imminent marriage to Drew Barrymore and the release of his directorial debut, next month’s Freddy Got Fingered, Green reflects on his fear of angry bees, his admiration for Tom Brokaw, and his certainty that Sammy Hagar has ruined Journey

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Being able to feel comfortable and happy whenever you are at home. Also, having the ability to fly just by flapping your arms really hard. If I could do that I would be happy.

What is your greatest fear?

I used to always think that it was to go parachuting. But my fiancee recently helped me conquer that fear, so now I am most afraid of bees ... angry bees.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

See, my problem is I can’t really remember that many historical figures, because I’m stupid. But if I was to answer off the top of my head, I would have to say I relate most to Thomas Jefferson, because like him I will also never tell a lie.

Which living person do you most admire?

Tom Brokaw, because he’s so smart.

What is your favorite journey?

I liked the one with Steve Perry. They were never the same after Sammy Hagar came on.

On what occasion do you lie?

As I already explained, I’m like Thomas Jefferson.

What is your greatest regret?

Growing up in Canada, like most kids I was into steeplechase. I honestly feel that if I had never quit I could have been one of the best.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

Drew.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?

I would probably give my brother breast implants.

What is your favorite occupation?

When I was a kid I always wanted to be a college professor, but now I’m quite happy working as a gross-out comic.

What do you most value in your friends?

They’ve all got Sony PlayStations and I don’t.

Who are your favorite writers?

Franklin W. Dixon, George Stephanopoulos, Farley Mowat, Eminem, William Shakespeare (but only that one about twins), the lady who writes Harry Potter, Mark Twain, Albert Einstein, and Samuel Clemens.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

It’s a toss-up for me between The Greatest American Hero and Last Action Hero.

What are your favorite names?

Derek, Shawn, Glenn, Phil, and Soleil Moon Frye.

What is it that you most dislike?

Cancer.

How would you like to die?

I want to get hit by a bus.

What is your motto?

“Look both ways before you cross the street.”

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