What is your idea of perfect happiness?

I don’t think there is any such thing.

What is your greatest fear?

A bad death ... fast or slow.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Mad King George’s psychiatrist.

Which living person do you most admire?

David Spade’s assistant.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

My driving skills.

What is your greatest extravagance?

Antique jewelry and medieval stained glass.

On what occasion do you lie?

When I have been high.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?

My head. It looks like either an egg with hair or a bowl of oatmeal with features.

Which living person do you most despise?

A certain Republican . .. who will remain nameless.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

Cary Grant.

When and where were you happiest?

In my manic highs, which are too numerous to mention.

Which talent would you most like to have?

Dieting.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

My child and certain areas of my personality.

What is your current state of mind?

New York.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

My inability to have romantic relationships.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?

More kids like the one I got, and my father’s book.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

A stone, a leaf, or an unfound door.

If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?

Shirley MacLaine’s handbag.

What is your most treasured possession?

My Mueller Freres lamp.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

My psychotic episode, or dinner with a conservative.

Where would you like to live?

London.

What is your favorite occupation?

Conversationalist.

What is your most marked characteristic?

Large life.

What do you most value in your friends?

A well-stocked medicine cabinet.

Who are your favorite writers?

Salman Rushdie, Bruce Wagner, George Eliot.

Who are your heroes in life?

My mother.

What is it that you most dislike?

Pain and aging.

How would you like to die?

Morphine home care.

What is your motto?

“Fuck that shit.”