The Coaster Correspondence

More of the very expensive words of Edwin John Coaster, contributing editor

VANITY FAIR JOHN BANTA USEACH EDITO1 March 28, 2003 Graydon: Might I suggest that we drop Ed Coaster's war dispatch from the June issue? As it is, we're closing it awfully late, and there are a lot of discrepancies and legal problems to address. To wit: 1. Ed has admitted that Tupki, the Iraqi boy whose wound he cleaned with Blanton's bourbon, is a composite. What Ed actually did was let an Iraqi toddler take a slug from his flask after the capture of Umm Qasr, though he did also distribute some Brach's caramels and paperbacks of The Edwin John Coaster Reader to villagers outside Najaf. 2. The quote that he attributes to Richard Perle at a pre-war D.C. cocktail party-"lraq will be the template for a whole bunch of pre-emptive military actions: first against Syria, then Iran. then North Korea, then Berkeley, Park Slope, and the offices of that faggoty production company that does U ill & Gmce"-was in fact uttered by a producer from the MSNBC program Savage Nation. 3. There are no black bears in Iraq; he could not have wrestled with one. 4. A Pentagon spokesman says we'll be compromising operational security if Ed discloses the existence of the army's new invisibility serum. I could go on, but you get the idea.

OCAND HALJ AMMAN 4/4/03 Dear Gradon: Do me a iavor-nezt time, leave the war reporting to the war reporters, and tell your scrawny research chief to stick to correcting Sebastian Junger s atrocious spelling. It breaks my heart that my boys in the 97th Infantry Division's "Shrieking lrets" Brigade, with whom I so happily embedded, will never see their heroism reported in V.P., though Halberstam thinks I can get a Firehouse-type deal out of it. Anyhoo, now that I'm in Jordan, an intriguing lead has opened up on another front. I :as approached in the lobby oi the rand hyatt by two mysterious men who claim to represent Kim Jong II. Apparently the Dear Leader has read my Korean War books, ma Green Pin Country and 38th Parallel Blues, and believes me the best candidate to Q&A him for a Western audience. Could be an a.:esome "get." Shall I see if these dudes are legit?

E1)w1x COASTER 4/6/03 Dear raydonz I checked, and these guys seem for real. But before the smuggle me into Pyongyang, the Dear Leader has some demands that I need you to address, -He wants Annie to do the shoot. -He wants to eep the clothes and not pay for them. -He wants to bring an entourage of 20 to next year's Oscar parti, and he wants to be seated next to Jennifer Garner, and he wants her to be wearing the leather. -Il I bring up the rumors, he waiw. What say you? Please let me kno.: soonest. Best,