Q&A

She'd Rather Be Right

Ann Coulter: The extreme interview

GEORGE WAYNE

A former legal writer, Ann Coulter first made her righteous mark on 24-hour news culture back in the mid90s. The author and pundit, who many consider to be Michael Moore's noisy foil off to the right, is back this month with another book, The New Ann Coulter. Our correspondent drills her on sex, Internet fan sites, and her thousands of suitors.

George Wayne: You are probably the No. 1 target on the liberal dartboard. No surprise there. What is surprising is that Ann Coulter hasn't been working the talking-head circuit of late, spouting her absurd balderdash. What gives?

Ann Coulter: I often take a break when I am not promoting anything. G.W. I was kind of thinking—well, maybe—that she ran to the hills. After all, she is now a more polarizing figure than Hillary Clinton. A.C. Well, certainly among your crowd.

G.W. My "crowd"—what could you possibly mean? Though it must be difficult being called a "tele-bimbo,"among other vitriolic things.

A.C. Being called names by immoral sexual degenerates, pacifists, and Communists isn't that upsetting.

G.W. So, what is really eating Gilberta Grape? Why is Ann Coulter such an angry, anorexic termagant?

A.C. I don't think I am.

G.W. What do you consider yourself?

A.C. A patriot and a Christian.

G.W. You are Christian?

A.C. Yes, sort of a mean Christian.

G.W. Tell me a bit about your early life as a child of privilege.

You are the epitome of a Connecticut Yankee.

A.C. It wasn't so much privileged, although I certainly wasn't underprivileged. It was very PG, with great parents happily married.

G.W. And who is satisfying your basic instinct? Who's been performing sexual acts on Ann Coulter these days?

A.C. Well, thank you for respecting my constitutionally protected right to privacy, G.W.

G.W. C'mon, Ann. I don't know about you, but I am desperate for some.

A.C. I have suitors by the thousands, but no one is pulling ahead of the pack at the moment.

G.W. So you haven't been sampling the tackle from coast to coast?

A.C. No, I've pretty much only been sampling the Starbucks at airports.

G.W. You of all people shouldn't be shocked by this banter. You dated Bob Guccione's son, for Chrissake!

A.C. That was a long time ago.

G.W. You ever dabbled in sodomy?

A.C. In what?

G.W. You know.

A.C. Once again, I thank you for respecting my constitutionally protected right to privacy. What is this?

G.W. What were you thinking, that this was going to be some policy-wonk-fest? Darling, this is all about the policy-wank-fest. You yourself I saw quoted saying that one of your favorite pastimes is the "quest for tube steak."

A.C. That is not a quote from me, I promise you. That quote is from AnnCoulterIsACunt.com. I promise you I've never said that. That is the sort of nonsense that gets printed about me on Web pages.

G.W. What salon do you go to to have your highlights perfected? A.C. Brad Johns. He is the most magnificent colorist ever. He allows me to lie and claim it's natural.

G.W. How come we never hear any rumors about POTUS and Condi? It's obvious they adore each other. And who can forget her Freudian slip when she called him "my husband."

A.C. They are both Republican and Christian, so no one has to worry about that.

G.W. Actually, Condi and Jack Straw should hook up. They have great chemistry.

A.C. I can't stand Jack Straw and I had such high hopes for him. He's a Commie-appeaser.

G.W. It is quite clear that there is an irreparable leadership vacuum in Iraq. What about detente with Saddam and giving him back his country? A.C. Well, I am glad that liberals have come out and told us that that's what they really want.

G.W. I'm centrist, darling—I could go either way.

A.C. You are taking a liberal position. This is what the liberals are proposing now.

G.W. I don't think that is more preposterous than another Donald Rumsfeld press conference. A.C. No, the great idea, G.W., was the one I launched the night of 9/11. You really can't improve upon "Invade their country, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity."

G.W. That is the most farticulous thing I have ever heard. A.C. Well, that idea worked pretty well in South Korea.

G.W. What you really need to do is self-imposed exile: take off those killer stilettos, stay home, relax, and watch reruns of Arliss or something.

A.C. I prefer 24.

" '7. And get yourself a rabbit! You are one fearless broad, however, and that is to be commended.