Q&A That WIMER Show

A Sitcom Star ON THE RISE

"It so happened that I was trolling Bungalow 8 one night at an hour that not even Vlad Dracula dare show his fangs, when I overheard Lindsay Lohan's mum saying, 7 really, really like Wilmer.'Five days later L had the pleasure of bonding with 'Caligularrama.' And you know whatP She was right."

"Wilmer was late for our tete-a-tete, but his sweet smile warmed my heart ... NOT!"

"Hollywood stud muffins are a dime a dozen. I was hoping this one would be someone special."

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Lnown in the tabloids as the deflowerer of Lindsay Lohan, Wilmer Valderrama has played the bumbling Fez on Fox's That 70s Show for eight seasons. Now that the Gen Y Rubirosa is breaking into film (Fast Food Nation, October; CHiPs, next year), our correspondent takes his measure.

George Wayne:Before we go any further, does "La Lohan's" carpet match her drapes?

Wilmer Valderrama: It was too dark to tell.

G.W. For the record, did you deflower her?

w.v. I wouldn't know that.

G.W. Well, it's nice to finally meet you. I didn't

realize you were such a midget.

w.v. I am tall for a Latin man, to be honest.

G.w.Which iconic Hollywood leading man would you consider your god? w.v. Anthony Quinn.

G.w. Iam impressed that you didn't say Warren Beatty, the Lothario of his day. w.v. I've been called that, but that is way too flattering.

G.w.Well, at least he could act! You got lucky on some piece-of-shit sitcom. w.v. Well, honestly, I am excited to prove the opposite. Starting with the next couple of movies I have coming out. G.W. And what about your latest piece-of-shit TV show on MTV? w.v. I think that show is a chance to showcase inner-city kids who have never been represented on MTV. I want to show what American kids in the inner city are really like.

From Brooklyn to East L.A. G.W. What about your remake of CHiPs? Which, to me, sounds like a bomb waiting to happen. w.v. We will see. The producer of Wedding Crashers is one of the producers on this film, and that wasn't a bomb.

G.w.Is it true you bought Chuck Norris's $3 million flophouse in Tarzana?

w.v. I did. It sits on two and a half acres. I needed

somewhere to put my volleyball court.

G.W. Do you think you will ever be famous enough

to have a bobble-head doll in your likeness?

w.v. I don't know. I might have a doll

after CHiPs.

G.W. One with an eight-inch penis. As if eight inches is anything to brag about. w.v. You're right.

G.W. So why go on Howard Stern and brag about your eight-inch penis? And what about the very famous actress you also brag about having unnatural sex with? w.v. I won't answer that. G.W. You clamming up now? Well, that eight-inch pinga you love to brag about must be as thick as a Foster's beer can. That would be the only reason to brag.

w.v. I wouldn't know. I have never really

measured the width.

G.W.Tell me more about that eight-inch

uncircumsized pinga!

w.v. I would rather not.

G.w.Well, any man who wears Drakkar Noir fragrance, as you do, cannot possibly be that interesting.

w.v. My dad's so hip when it comes to cologne. He introduced me to Drakkar. G.W. So you're not dating anyone now? w.v. No.

G.w.Maybe you should start dating Ricky Martin. That would ensure the comeback of comebacks —no pun intended— and lots of press. w.v. Oh my God! Oh my Lord!

G.W. Darling, you live la vida loca, so deal with it. w.v. You are fucking awesome, bro. G.W. Well, you also say you love Susan Sarandon, so maybe what you need to do is a "cougar" movie with her.

w.v. Great idea. I am going to pitch that to New Line right now.