WHAT IF DAME JUDI DENCH were a member of JUDD A PATOW’S repertory?

Week I

Dame Judi joins the gang for Apatow sequel The 70-Year-Old Virgin Mary.

Week 2

Before first read-through, Apatow says film’s tone should be bittersweet, "like a hummer from a trannie.”

Week 2

Co-star Seth Rogen asks Dame Judi, “Is that as big as your boobs get? ’

Week 4

Dame Judi advises Michael Cera that owning the DVD of Iris is “guaranteed pussy.

Week 5

Rogen hollows out Dame Judi’s Shakespeare in Love Oscar and turns it into a bong.

Week 6

Jonah Hill peppers Dame Judi w ith lurid inquiries about which Bond “is packing more,” Pierce Brosnan or Daniel Craig.

Week 7

Paul Rudd tells Dame Judi he likes to take three Excedrin PMs and then "try to whack off before I pass out.”

Week 8

In a haze of cannabis smoke, Dame Judi agrees to star in Apatow’s 2010 hiopic about female Mexican wrestler the Poontangler.

HENRY ALFORD