Taking America Beaa-yack

THE CAMPAIGN JOURNAL OF KRYSTI McCANDLESS RISING TEA PARTY SUPERSTAR

As my run for County Council continues here in Montgomery County, Md, I hnd lots of folks asking me why am I not a mom. Fair question. True answer: Critter and I have never had a child because we don’t want 2 give Big Govt the chance 2 create yet another Social Security #. Back when America was America, U didn’t need SS # so that any oP bureaucrat could swipe-scan your ass on demand, sending all your perrtinent information 2 a GSTtype screen in the basement of the Pentagon-all U needed was a musket and strong sense of personal justice. I distrust these nine-digit Big Brother trackking devices almost as much as I distrust organic food. (No preservatives, bleaahh! :-P Weak food = weak people = Chinese invasion.)

Another reason we don’t have a kid is because, after Critt’s paternity case, his dad, Big Critt, marched him down 2 the hospital and had a doctor put a big of sailor’s knot on Critt’s tubes. (That night, Critt got totally insensed, screaming, “I’m gonna tubal litigate!”) Now Critt has an abashed look, like a British person, or Bill Clinton after dark. The emassulation changed the tenner of Critt’s working for his dad at Big Critt’s marina. There’s a kind of vegetal funk between them now. Very low tide.

Anyway, I've spent an inorddinate amount of time worrying re how my child lessness will poll, so in my run for County Council I've made an effort 2 pimp Critt's and my six pet nutrias as much as possible in the local press, and also 2 always look just a tiny bit harried and young-mom-ish and vomit-spakkled in photographs, and also 2 volunteer at the local children's hos pital as a yoga clown named Mike Hug gabee. And you know what? I think it's working: when I walk in2 a room, people always cast their eyes downward immedi ately, like they're looking for my kids.

It's fascinating, isn't it, what makes us vote 4 someone? I've been thinking about this as I cast my glaze over the Republi can presidential contenders. At the time of this writing, SP has not yet declared, which is a somewhat terrifying prospect 2 me. Of course, I love Ron Paul, a.k.a. The Godfather, but sometimes he's so far right he's left (Leave Iraq? Cut defense spending?), and sometimes he's so far left he's right (Wikileaks is awesome? The Federal Reserve sux?)-and also wrong, LOL. He's kinda a wild card-I mean, when my GPS acts up, I have enough trouble getting to Safeway, let alone to American greatness! But I suppose, yes, if SP doesn't run, then I'll hitch my wag on to Ron's. And now I present...

KRYSTI'S GUIDE 2 the G.O.P. Hopefuls

★ S.P. The goddess. She can run the country and field-dress a caribou. A win-win 4 America. #lovingyouiseasy

★ RON PAUL The next best thing, even though I'm pretty sure the name "Ron" does not appear in the Bible. I hate that he wants to repeal laws vs prostitution and cocaine—but it should make for a very lively Inauguration Ball. #monicalewinsky'sdrycleaner

★ NEWT GINGRICH I like his piety. Only someone who believes in the Resurrection would think he could make a comeback, LOL!

★THE KOCH BROTHERS Why not?! Please!!! This'd be tag-team handsomeness.

★ MITT ROMNEY His health care plan looked a lot like NObamacare to me. A wolf in sheep's clothing is still a wolf, even if his sheep's clothing is a square jaw and Rob Lowe's hair. #flipflopbuthothothot

★ TIM PAWLENTY Pawlenty o' nuttin if U ask Krysti, LOL! I like Tim—but that's the problem! Nice can be a liability. Us Grizzly Mamas want bear claws, not bear hugs.

★ HERMAN CAIN The Herminator. He used to be the C.E.O. of Godfather's Pizza, so he's my food-services brother. But who is he? If was him, I'd be doing my portrait in pepperoni on every pizza I sold. It's called "reenergizing your base," Herm!

★ RICK SANTORUM Do not do not do not Google this name. I feel unclean. #eww

HENRY ALFORD