DEVICE SQUAD

Previewing four life-changing gizmos launching this month

VANITIES

BRUCE MCCALL

1 TexMaxico's new AdNausea Computer Goggles utilize microchips, radar, a 4,000-megabyte computer, and cloud mega-storage to augment your dreams with ads.AdNausea actually interfaces with your dreams: If you're falling, for example, you're treated to a 30-second ad for life insurance. If you're getting it on with a Kardashian, it's Viagra. If you're dreaming about being chased by a giant spider, a pair of Zonkz are the ideal runaway shoe. You can use the 4-D goggles provided or have a micro-size ad-generating nodule surgically implanted in your hippocampus.

2 The In-Me 6 SuperSelfie Instant Body Scanner improves on the current version with a now 100 percent squeezable parallelogram screen that converts to popular rhomboidal format in a jiff, quelling a long-standing user gripe. The In-Me 6 turns your entire body transparent for quick medical checkups, identifies swallowed needles, keys, heroin bags, etc. ("Unbeatable party gag"— Hoo-Haw, the online tech humor site.) Unlike the competing ME2 from Opsawawa, the In-Me 6 needs no M.R.I. operator license and radiation levels are well within Japanese Nuclear Disaster Alarm guidelines.

3 WhizBang's new, self-powered Electronic Wedding Bing lets you dismay friends and family—without saying a word. The E.W.R. measures pulse rate, skin temperature, psychiatric history, any recent affairs, and 1,250-point amygdala activity to trace the daily state of your marriage. Your marital-discord level is indicated by the ring turning pink, then orange, then, when things are hopeless, anger red. Ring uses patented K.G.B. "truth" technology. Never needs batteries. One size fits all. Women's and men's units available.

4 Einstein's SuperSecret EMc2 Speed Freak prototype, recently uncovered by a rescue dog in the immortal scientist's Princeton backyard, is secret no more. The Freak computes anything, from your fuel mileage to the day you will likely die—at the speed of light. Watch this sturdy, handsomely styled techno wizard actually bend while moving at 345,000 m.p.h. (where legal; remember to buckle up!) and thrill friends with the built-in Gypsy Ouija Board.*

*MAY REQUIRE A LICENSED GYPSY TO OPERATE IN NEVADA, NEW JERSEY, UTAH, AND GUAM.