LAST CALL 2015

As Brian Williams describes the gun battle he and the parking valets engaged in upon his arrival, Pop'e Francis drops in, looks around, says "Who am I to judge?," and runs out to catch the new Star Wars. "It's gonna be huuuuuuuuge!" says Donald Trump, describing to a skeptical Megyn Kelly the nearly 2,000-mile-long cake he says happy Mexican bakers will deliver when he's president. 8:53As Amy Schumer and Caitlyn Jenner discuss the shortcomings of the American male, aspiring African-American Rachel Dolezal shores stories of struggle with Viola Davis, Uzo Aduba, and Regina King.9:09-Inveterate inveterate instigator Bernie arrives for a party to crash, but after he is denied admission by Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, he. heads for Hillary Clinton's never-ending Evite-only bash. Having seen enough, David Letterman and Jon Stewart check out early, only to run into escafled Mexican drug lord El Chapo and his date, Clinton Correctional Facility enabler Joyce Mitchell.10:00-Deflated N.F.L. commishRoger Goodell tries to present Tom Brady with a make-up gift—a pair of suspenders—but instead the glammy QB shouts "Pump up the volume" to karaoke queen Taylor Swift, who is currently singing "Shake It Off" to Jordan Spieth, Serena Williams, and American Pharoah, big winners still lamenting ones that got away.

For the key to who is who, turn to page 139.

Ordering Cuba libres for the house, Raul Castro invites Kourtney Kardashian, feeling free, to rumba. Boredom sets in. While Angry Baltimore mom Toya Graham shows U.F.C. superstar Ronda Rousey how to throw a right hook, sharpshooters Stephen Curry and Carli Lloyd take turns knocking miniature Minions off the head of a meditating Don Draper. Last licks:

Harper Lee explains that, in her next sequel, Atticus Finch will be a misunderstood Speaker of the House, while weepy John Boehner quietly sings "Can't Feel My Face." Boom boom boom! The

whole house shakes. Has-Ben Carson finally suffered a meltdown? No, it's just 2016, knocking at the door.

JAMIE MALANOWSKI

Last Call, 2015 (See page 110)

(l) Bernie Sanders,

(2) Hillary Clinton,

(3) Kim Davis, (4) Joyce Mitchell,

(5) El Chapo, (6) David Letterman,

(7) Jon Stewart, (8) Megyn Kelly,

(9) Donald Trump, (10) Brian Williams, (11) Pope Francis, (12) Amy Schumer, (13) Caitlyn Jenner, (14) Uzo Aduba, (15) Viola Davis, (16) Rachel Dolezal, (17) Regina King, (18) Kourtney Kardashian, (19) Raul Castro,

(20) Tom Brady, (21) Roger Goodell, (22) Taylor Swift, (23) Toya Graham, (24) Ronda Rousey, (25) Ben Carson, (26) Don Draper, (27) Harper Lee,

(28) Atticus Finch, (29) John Boehner, (30) Carli Lloyd, (31) Stephen Curry,

(32) Serena Williams, (33) Jordan Spieth, and (34) American Pharoah.