What is your idea of perfect happiness? Floating in a river full of fat trout.

What is your greatest fear? Danger to my children. And tidal waves.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? Gluttony.

What is the trait you most deplore in others? Selfishness.

What is your greatest extravagance? My Precious Moments porcelain figurine collection.

What is your favorite journey? The 3 a.m. trip from the bathroom back to bed.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Pride.

On what occasion do you lie? To avoid hurting feelings.

What do you dislike most about your appearance? Being subject to it.

Which living person do you most despise? Donald Jessica Trump.

What is your greatest regret? Not spending more time with my grandparents.

What or who is the greatest love of your life? My wife, Molly, is the who and pizza is the what.

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When and where were you happiest? I’m a happy guy in general, but the feeling of freedom and fun I got driving around with my friends in my first car is hard to top.

Which talent would you most like to have? I’d like to hit a 95-mph fastball over the center field wall.

What is your current state of mind? Grateful and uneasy.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I wish I enjoyed exercise.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be? I’d put my brother in a tube top.

What do you consider your greatest achievement? Figuring out how to make money doing the same things that got me in trouble in high school.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be? If there is such a thing as karma, probably a trout with a hook in its lip.

What is your most treasured possession? When he retired, David Letterman sent me a large box full of all his ties.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Hopelessness.

What is your favorite occupation? It seems like Judge Judy has a fun job.

What is your most marked characteristic? For a person who does nothing but fuck around, I don’t fuck around.

Who are your favorite writers? There are many of course, but Kurt Vonnegut Jr. always comes to mind.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction? Ignatius J. Reilly.

Who are your heroes in real life? The doctors, nurses, and respiratory therapists who saved my son’s life.

What are your favorite names? Peaches and Herb.

What is it that you most dislike? Ignorance. And forced high fives.

How would you like to die? Reluctantly.

What is your motto? “Mottos are for dicks.”