THE INSECT LIFE OF NEW YORK

George Jean Nathan

THE Dignified Insect (Scientfically, the Poserus Spurious Supposerus).

A prolific insect with a tiny head and distended chest. May be distinguished by the fact that it never laughs. Infests the legal profession, diplomacy and the ranks of valets. Infests "committees" of all kinds. Of the general family of the StuffHypocriticus. Forecloses the mortgage on the poor widow. Usually has a weird body covering of black, known (scientifically) as the princealbert.

One of its two antennae is as a rule held fast in the front of this sepulchral princealbert.

The Aux-Fines-Herbes Bug. (FrancoBrooklyn.) A species of American bug that berlitzes in the restaurants. This bug is very prolific and lays its eggs daily in the hotel dining-rooms and cafes. To be easily distinguished by its habit of practising its six phrases of French upon Irish waiters. These six phrases are: aux fines herbes (whence the bug derives its name), au gratin, cafe au lait, L'addition, plat du jour and French patisserie, s'il vous plait.

The Plot Bug. (Universal. No scientific name.) Confides that it has its own life story. Says it would make a wonderful play. Gives it to friends for nothing. " If you can use it, go ahead—it's yours."

The Dramatic Critic Bug. (American. Scientifically, the Weno Ukantfoolus.) There are two species, (1) the species that believes all dramatic critics are dishonest and (2) the species that believes all dramatic critics are honest. The second species is composed principally of dramatic critics.

HE Friendly Bug. (New York and Chicago. Scientifically, the oldtop Haveadrinkus.) Has many antennae or feelers, commonly called "hands." These it is in'the habit of shaking constantly. When not shaking, these antennae are to be found reposing in large numbers on the backs, shoulders and lapels of male human beings. Is especially thick in cafes. May be distinguished by a loud laugh, the scent of coffee beans and the expression "If I felt any better I'd have to see a doctor."

The Ford Bug. (American. Scientifically known as the Comicalus Parasita.) Can be distinguished by his unconquerable propensity for cracking a joke whenever a Ford car is spoken of. Thrives on street cars and in crowded subway trains. All the species of the genus are similar and make known their presence by queer buzzing noises that sound like "can't afford aford," and "fordelordsake" and "autobeashamed."

The Tip Insect. (Scientifically, the Pestiferous Maximus.) Infests hotels, restaurants, hatchecking booths, et cetera. May be distinguished by , the low, protracted grumbling noise which it emits whenever it feels a tencent piece about to depart from its pocket. Has a deadly sting which it inflicts upon head waiters, waiters, checkboys, cab-starters, brush boys, porters, bellboys, barbers and the like whenever members of these serving classes are mentioned in its hearing. Particularly in evidence on homing European steamships.

The I'm Sosorrybut Bug (Scientifically, the Nosa Powdera). Female. A destructive insect that assails the male of the species and keeps the latter waiting at least twenty min utes before it "shows up" for its engagement, believing that it thereby heightens its value in the eyes of the male. Most often to be found in the young female of the species. The old female of the species takes no chances.