From the Memoirs of a Bachelor

GEORGE JEAN NATHAN

Being Idle Thoughts of an Active Fellow

The Atheist

"I worship no one," cried. the atheist. "Divinities are senseless, useless, barriers to progress and ambition, a curse to man. Gods, fetiches, graven images, idols—faugh!"

On the atheist's work-table stood the photograph of a beautiful girl.

Allies

The Devil, finishing his seidel of Würz-. burger, eyed the .young man quizzically.

"What would you of me?" he said.

"I would ask," bade the young man, "how one may know the women who serve you as allies?"

"Find those who smile at themselves in their mirrors," said the Devil.

Viewpoint

In a rapidly ascending balloon were two men. One watched the earth getting farther and farther away. One watched the stars getting nearer and nearer.

Tempora Mutantur

They couldn't understand why he married her, but the ironic little gods who have such matters in hand knew it was because she had a little way of swallowing before speaking, because she had a little way, when she came to him and saw him standing there with arms open to clasp her tight and kiss her, of sweeping her hat off and sailing it across the room, because she had a way of twining her little finger in his.

They couldn't understand why he divorced her, but the ironic little gods who have such matters in hand knew it was because she had a little way of swallowing before speaking, because . . .

Inspiration

A poet, searching for Inspiration, looked into the hearts of all the women he knew. But all the hearts of these were empty and he found it not. And then, presently, in the heart of one woman whom he had forgotten, at the edge of a deep forest, he found what he sought for. For the heart of this woman was full. And as he looked at this heart, it seemed to him strangely familiar, as if, long ago, he had seen it before. And as he looked, the truth dawned fair upon him. The heart was his own.

The Intruder

It was moonlight in the courtyard where languished among the flowers a lover and his mistress. The lover, presently, and for the first time since he had known his fair lady, felt Wit flying close to his lips. The little god of Love who had dwelt with the lovers in the courtyard since first they had come there, sensing the flutter of the intruder's wings, took to his heels and slid between the bars of the great bronze gate into a neighboring garden.

Flippancy

The scholar spoke to the mob in his own language and the mob heard him not. The scholar, that he might make himself understood to the mob, expressed himself then in rune and jingle.

"A wise man and one who speaks the truth," quoth the mob, "but it is a pity he is so flippant."

The Gift

All women avoided him; no woman loved him. The mischievous gods had given him, as the one gift they give at birth to each child on earth, , great eloquence.

Recipe

A young fellow, with something of the climber to him, took himself to the arbiter of manners and urged the latter instruct him how best he might learn effectively to pass himself off for a gentleman.

(Continued on page 128)

(Continued from page 65)

"Practice insulting persons in such wise that they shall not feel insulted," the arbiter of manners advised him.

Transmigration

A great love faded and died. Its soul passed into the body of a cobra.

Companion

Modesty left his mistress to fare forth into the world alone. But, turning in his flight, he saw someone at his heels.

In despair, Modesty sought still another mistress and this mistress, one night, he likewise left to fare forth into the world alone. But, turning in his flight, he saw again someone at his heels.

Modesty, sitting sadly on a rock by the wayside, realized then that his wish for a lonely adventure was never to be fulfilled. For he must always, when he sallied forth from his mistress, take with him his mistress' lover.

Couplet

Again Mephisto chuckled in anticipation. Somewhere, a little country girl, for the first time, was powdering her nose.

The Good Fairy

A fairy, in the form of a beautiful woman, came to a young man and whispered, "One wish will I grant you."

The young man gazed into the deep eyes of the beautiful woman and, with thoughts playing upon her rare loveliness, breathed, "I wish for perfect happiness for all time!" '

And the fairy in the form of the beautiful woman granted him his wish. She left him.

But—

"But—" interposed the young woman. A gleam came into the eyes of the man who coveted her and who had long and vainly laid subtle siege against her. He appreciated now that it was merely a matter of time.

Ecce Homo

A homely woman smiled at a man. And the man, puzzled and speculating what was wrong with him, slouched on.

A pretty woman smiled at a man. And the man, with the mien of a cock, threw out his chest and strutted on.

Love

They showed her a nest swarming with impostures, deceits, lies, affectations, bitternesses, low desires, simulations, suspicions, distrusts, cheatings, hates, delusions, distortions, evasions. And she shrank from the sight of it as she looked close. But presently, when she turned from a distance of a dozen paces and looked back, she saw a brilliant hued, beautiful bird soar from the nest and alight among the flowers.

"What is that gorgeous bird?" she asked.

"Love," they told her.

Sic Semper Tyrannis

An anarchist threw a bomb at the equipage of a king, and missed him. A dancer threw a kiss to his box at the opera ...

The Lover

"Three brilliant men are my suitors," said the beautiful young woman. "And I would marry the one who loves me most. Tell me how I may know that one?"

"Pick the one who, when he is with you, is the most stupid," replied her old nurse.

Rache

"I hate my enemy with a hate as bitter as the hate he bears me, and I would do that to him that would for all time weaken both him and his power against me," muttered the man.

"That is easy," whispered Revenge, in the man's ear. "Flatter him extravagantly for - the qualities he doesn't possess."

The Spider and the Fly

"Won't you come into my parlour?" said the spider to the fly.

"What nice hair you have," said the woman to the man.

Finis

Somewhere, a funeral bell was tolling. Somewhere, a thousand and one miles away, a woman was asking her lover for the third time in five minutes if he really loved her.