Winning the War

In Spite of the Activities of the Volunteer Committee

ROBERT C. BENCHLEY

I AM perfectly willing to admit that the seemingly impossible has been accomplished in transporting two million soldiers across the ocean.

If any one had come to me, sixteen months ago, and offered me the job, I am frank to say that I should have turned it down. I once tried to paddle three girls across the Hudson, at Nyack, and even on that comparatively short run, I failed to function.

But, magical as has been this feat of transportation in the face of wha.t seemed .to he insuperable odds, I still maintain that it pales before the amount of war-work which has been accomplished by that most apparently futile of all agencies: the volunteer committee.

The wonder is not that so much money has been raised, and so many bundles of one thing and another shipped overseas, but that anything has been done at all, in view of the fact that it has all been done at what are technically known as "committee meetings".

IF all the accomplishments of the committee meetings which I have attended were assembled together in one place and stretched end to end in a straight line, they would reach from the foot of the Washington Monument to the foot of the Washington Monument.

In my prime, I have belonged to many committees, but I have never witnessed the consummation of anything at the regular gatherings that could not have been accomplished by the same number of fairly self-contained canaries. The formula seems to be as follows:

1.Open (twenty minutes late) by dispensing with the minutes of the last meeting.

2.Spend one hour in tepid discussion of subjects allied to the matter at hand.

3.Adjourn, after delegating the matter at hand to a sub-committee for consideration before the next meeting.

(The sub-committee then proceeds on the same formula.)

There are many subjects which are dealt with by committees, but there is only one form of procedure. To wit:

The members are notified, by the secretary, that "a meeting of the Committee on Arrangements will be held in Room 146 of the Firemen's Loan and Trust Building at 4:30 on Thursday afternoon, November 21. Please try to be on hand, as a full attendance is especially desired."

WITH this stimulating rallying-cry ringing in their minds, three members out of a committee of twelve appear at Room 146 at 4:30, on the appointed afternoon. There being no chairman or secretary present, the three early birds seat themselves in easy attitudes about the table, which is laid for twelve, and discuss the season's best plays. One word leads to another, and the informality which gradually inspires the group of three, in an otherwise empty room, brings them to a point of camaraderie where they are indulging in loud, familiar laughter by the time the chairman bustles in, all glowing from the sharp cold outside.

The chairman, who thinks that the laughter is in some way .connected with him and his tardy appearance, shows signs of ill-temper, and says:

"Sorry to be late. Traveling in the subway these days is rather uncertain work, you know."

And just to show that there is no hard feeling, someone volunteers to tell how long it took him to go from Wall and William Streets to the Grand Central, via the shuttle, the other morning. This leads to a similar, but more harrowing experience, of another member, who had to go from One Hundred and Sixteenth Street to Bleecker Street during the height of the influenza epidemic, holding her breath the entire distance in order not to inhale any germ. The third member, who is of a roguish disposition, says that he has decided that the best way for him to get uptown is to give up the subway entirely and use the Albany nightboat. This brings forth considerable laughter, —as well it may.

THE chairman, in the meantime, is shuffling a pack of papers on the table before him as if he were about to do a trick with them. He finally calls the meeting to order (two more members having entered at 4:56).

"Well, let's get started. As the secretary isn't here yet, a motion to dispense with the minutes of the last meeting is in order. Do I hear such a motion?"

He not only hears it, but he hears another sound, which anyone accustomed to such meetings would instantly recognize as someone seconding. The question is then put to the committee, which goes on record as murmuring "aye", each one feeling exceedingly parliamentary but assuming an air of complete indifference, as if to say, "I am muttering 'aye' because it is the accepted thing to mutter, but, personally, I. had just as soon say 'ship-ahoy' or 'cheero'."

This weighty question disposed of, the chairman proceeds:

"The chief thing that we have to take up this afternoon is the question of whether or not it is the wish of this committee to hold an exhibition of captured German fireless cookers, to stimulate subscriptions to the Overseas Fund. I have been notified that the fireless cookers are at our disposal if we want them for this purpose, and that all we shall have to pay for will be the trucking and hauling."

"From Germany?" inquires an anxious member.

"As I understand it, they are now at Pier 57, North River," says the chairman, very patiently and distinctly.

AT this juncture, the secretary bursts in, full of apologies and enthusiasm, and says that he was delayed at a most interesting meeting, at which a Danish gentleman presented Denmark's claim to Slesvig in a most impressive manner. While unstrapping his briefcase, which contains the committee records, he goes into a resume of the arguments advanced by the lecturer. This precipitates some discussion from the floor as to the exact location of the mooted district, and the committee adjourns temporarily to cluster about the map on the wall and settle the question of Slesvig then and there.

"Well, let's get back to work," suggests some hard-headed member at 5:25, and there is a bustle and a general business-like scraping of chairs, indicating a return to the original formation.

(Seven members are now present, not including the officers. Two members have tiptoed in, with their coats on their arms, during the chairman's opening remarks, interrupting the meeting only to bow to each of the other members.)

The secretary, taking it for granted that the minutes of the last meeting are now to be read, proceeds to do so with great relish, while the men and women members of the committee sit in attitudes of relaxation and gaze dreamily at the moulding, or draw mosaic designs on the pads provided at each place for that purpose.

"There is one more thing in connection with the last meeting that I would like to bring up at this time," says the secretary, shutting the book. "Someone—I think that it was Mrs. Hartnagle—suggested that the letter-head on the committee stationery be made to read 'Telephone number Schuyler 102,' instead of simply 'Telephone, Schuyler 102.' As there were so few present at the last meeting, the matter was put over to this time. In "the meanwhile, I have consulted Tiffany and have got a written estimate on the cost of changing the die by the addition of the word 'number,' and 1 do not think that the extra expense would run to more than $10. I would like to hear some of the other opinions on this matter first, however. Perhaps Mrs. Hartnagle would like to say a few words in this connection."

Mrs. Hartnagle is not present. . Someone says that she insisted yesterday that she would surely be there, although that she might be late. Another says that she saw Mrs. Hartnagle on Sunday, and that Mrs. Hartnagle said something about going to Springfield, either this week or next, she wasn't sure which.

BUT Mrs. Hartnagle's cause is espoused by the radical element, which insists that the change in the letter-head be made; while the Extreme Right maintains that it would be unwise to make the alteration at this time, when the country is so upset, and while so many wild Bolshevists are running about trying to effect their crack-brained schemes. Furthermore, they oppose it on patriotic grounds because of the unnecessary use of white paper and labor that it would entail. Mr. Creamer takes off his glasses and makes what many consider the most impressive speech of his career, dealing in no uncertain terms with that element of the population which is constantly in favor of changing things. He mentions 100% Americanism, in passing, and says that, for his part, he would consider any proposition to change the wording of the letter-head as not only vicious and despicable, but, if the truth were known, probably emanating from pro-German sources.

This starts some unpleasantness,' which is tactfully allayed by the chairman's suggesting that a motion be made instructing the secretary to write to Mr. Tumulty to find out how the President feels on the matter. The motion is made and passed, in spite of the opposition of several oldline Republicans.

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THE chairman then looks at his watch and remarks that time seems to be flying and that a consideration of the business of the day might be in order. The watch gesture starts every one in the room looking at the time, and several indulge in pantomime to the Chair indicating that they really must run along now. As they tiptoe out, dragging their coats behind them, the secretary calls out that, as next Thursday is Thanksgiving, there will be no meeting, and that for the next meeting he hopes to be able to get Room 190, because it is so much sunnier, but that he will let each member know by postal beforehand. There seems to be practically nothing that that secretary will not do to make the committee a success.

The question of the exhibition of captured German fireless cookers is then brought up again. Mrs. Wildring says that she is sure that she could get the superintendent of the Indoor Ice-Skating Association to give them the use of the rink for the occasion. This meets opposition on the ground that by the time the exhibition is held, the rink will be full of ice. The discussion rages back and forth as to when the skating season begins, and all during the course of the argument, various members tiptoe out, one by one, after looking at their watches.

FINALLY the matter is left to four disputants, two mere members, and the two officers of the committee. The woman who cleans out the offices pokes her head in the door and excuses herself in Finnish. The secretary makes a significant gesture of putting his documents back into his brief-case, and the chairman appoints the two remaining members a sub-committee to look into the rink matter. There is a suggestion that a motion to adjourn would be in order, and it proves to be the most popular suggestion of the afternoon. In fact, by the time it is carried, three of the four members are in the elevator and the secretary is putting on his coat and turning out the lights.

And yet, in spite of procedures like this, exhibitions are held, money is raised, and all sorts of things are shipped overseas. Where, in all the history of our American magic-working, can this miracle be duplicated?

I do not ask this to get information, but simply to end the article effectively.