"Unaccustomed as I Am—"

A Timely Suggestion for the Conservation of Our Wartime Oratory

BRIGHTON PERRY

THERE is a big movement on foot. This is admitted, in so many words, by the advance notices of "The Nation's Forum." Not too briefly, the idea is this: All the ringing speeches of all the famous present-day speakers are to be distributed broadcast over the country by means of phonographic records. Where formerly Father came home carrying a disc-full of Dvorak (with "My Ukraine Ukelele" on the reverse side) for a nice musical evening with the loud and soft needles, he will, in a few months, be able to crash in the front door and cry:

"Mabel,—children,—come into the music room! I've got a new record with Vice-President Marshall's latest speech before the Burlington Chamber of Commerce, and on the other side is James M. Beck on 'Fair Play for Free Speech.' It's a corker!"

AS the circular itself says, "Gathered together in theatres, hotels, clubs, schoolhouses, churches, Chambers of Commerce, labor unions,. Y. M. C. A. headquarters, K. of C. rooms, a hundred thousand people may listen in one evening to Secretaries MeAdoo, Lansing, Baker Daniels, etc." In other words, the banquet as an institution for the forcible feeding of guests with the spoken word is about to lose its grip, and, instead of paying eight dollars for a decoy squab and a paper cuff full of icecream, in order to hear what Mr. Job Hedges thinks of the Situation, we can sit quietly at home and buy the latest Job Hedges record to spin when conversation lags.

But they mustn't be too exclusive in their allstar cast of speakers. Secretary Baker and Secretary Lane are all right in their way, but they do not, and never can, take the place of the regulation banquet speaker whom we have grown so to love. If they are going to take him away from us, they must have him make a record; so that when the war is over and we are entertaining Brazilian drummers during the buying season, we can slip on a disc which will bring back the old days, when we used to sit in a cloud of tobacco smoke with our dress shirt crumpling up by the minute, knocking our cigar ashes into our demi-tasse,—and hear the following:

TOASTMASTER (rising and flicking the crumbs from his watchfob with his napkin while the applause runs its course): Gentlemen of the Rubber-boot Association, guests, and (coyly to the galleries) ladies, God bless them! {Laughter and applause.) We have met here tonight to celebrate the sixth anniversary of this association. We have had a successful year since last we met here and I may say that, if we all pull together, we expect next year to be even more successful. {Loud applause.) But my duties as toastmaster will not permit me to take up your time in any speech of my own. I simply am here to introduce to you the speakers of the evening. My duties are something like those of the Irishman who, when asked why he didn't believe in Free Trade said "Be jabbers, I do." {Laughter.) Now, I am somewhat like our friend the Irishman, I do believe in Free Trade and I do be-

lieve in giving the next man a chance to speak. The next man, in this case, is one whom we all know, at least by reputation, and whose name is a by-word, in every American household, for fair-play and Americanism. It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you this evening . . . (consults card) . . . to introduce the Honorable James W. Leggin. (Applause and general settling back in chairs.)

THE HON. JAMES W. LEGGIN (taking a sip of water, which spills slightly over the front of his waistcoat, necessitating a sponging motion with the napkin): Mr. Toastmaster, Members of the Rubber-boot Association and Ladies: When your president asked me this afternoon to say a few words to you tonight, I was somewhat perplexed to know exactly what to talk about, for, while my work throws me in contact with any number of interesting aspects of —er—life, it is difficult sometimes to so coordinate my impressions as to make them a, shall I say, concrete whole? And then it occurred to me that perhaps you might be interested in hearing of the results of some of the research work which our committee has been doing, research along economic lines, research bearing directly on the future of this country of ours, research directly concerned with the work which you and I are going to be called upon to undertake within the next few years, I have therefore decided to base my little talk tonight on the subject of "Germany After the War: An Autocracy or a Bundesrath? with special reference to the Potash Situation."

I am especially glad to be here tonight, in the first place because it is always , an honor to address an audience of rubber-boot manufacturers and, in the second place, because it is always an honor to address an audience of—er

—rubber-boot manufacturers. {Takes a drink.) I feel that my subject may be divided into its eight very obvious component parts, or topics:

First, the economic side, which covers a multitude of subheads, such as the development and conservation of out interurban facilities and the abolition of German text-books in the grammar schools.

Thirdly, the pyrotechnic side, with its questions of constitutionality, and, lastly, and by all means least, comes the whole tremendous problem of whether or not we have the final authority to bring these things about without a final appeal to a plebiscite.

This, Gentlemen of the—er—-{consults menu) Rubber-boot Association, is what I consider to be the crux of the matter. But, you may say, that is only one side. True, it is only one side, I retort, but where is the other? {Applause.) Even if this question of our opponents were not so obvious as to need no reply, it would be sufficiently met by the following quotation which I take from the Norddeutscher Allgemeiner Zeitung of January 20th, which says, in part:

"Du bist wie eine Blume so hold und schon und rein, ich schau dich an und Wemuth schelist mir ins Herz hinein; mir ist als ob ich die Hände aufs Haupt, und so weiter ich kann nicht errineren."

Now, if that doesn't prove my point, I don't know what does. Especially pointed is the sentence reading ... I translate freely . . . "We have to the general and economic aspects of the together—er—sitting—ah—assembly— sufficient consideration accorded"

There, gentlemen, is the rub. Further than that I can not, I am not at liberty, to go, but I feel that I can, without violating any confidences which have been placed in me, read to you a few official figures on the production of potash in Bavaria during the potash year 1912-13.

(Adjusts glasses and reads from long statemerit.)

In the year 1914 Bavaria exported this commodity to the extent of 2,000,000 tons; in 1915, 2,457,000 tons and in 1916, 2,479,000 tons, leaving a trade balance of 548,000 tons or 306,000 pennyweight. Of this amount, 754,000 were white, 584,000 were almost white and 385,000 were the same as those in class A. This is, you will, of course, understand, all per capita. {Replaces list and takes off glasses.)

I can not too strongly urge you, in view of what I have said this evening, to realize that this affair depends upon each and every man here tonight, and that by doing this thing which I have suggested you can do your part toward winning the war just as surely as if you were in the front line trenches—and with much less danger of catching cold. It is the lack of vision into the larger meanings of life that is stifling, killing, stifling our civilization,

AND I am thoroughly convinced, gentlemen, that just so true as I am standing here tonight, the time is coming when we, as a nation, are to be called upon to put forth the very best that is in us; when we, as a nation, must face the problem in all its immensity. And it is to the culmination, the consummation, of this national ideal that we must address ourselves, We must say to ourselves, "Am I, as a man and as a citizen of these United States, for which our fathers fought {applause) and for whose flag we stand ready to deliver speeches so long as there is a breath of life left in our bodies {riotous applause), do we, I say, realize that we have in our hands the making of a nation which shall some day be the greatest nation, nay, more, the most successful nation on earth ? {Applause.)

If we do not do this thing, gentlemen of the—er— {consults menu) Rubber-boot Association, if we do not do this thing,—then all 1 can say is, Washington has lived in vain—Lincoin has lived in vain—Henry A. Wise Wood has lived in vain. But, if we, as a nation, do rise to what is our just heritage, if we do exert ourselves on the altars of our fathers who fought that this land of ours might be free {applause) then I am convinced that there is no power on earth which can stop us!

Gentlemen, I thank you.

{Sits down, amid cheering and tapping of knives on plates.)

TOASTMASTER: And now, gentlemen, we shall have the pleasure of hearing eight more speeches, in exactly the same vein, and exactly the same words.