War News I No Longer Read

STEPHEN LEACOCK

The Cable News From Russia

HERE it is. It can be read by those who still care for it, either by the month or by the yard. Personally, I never bother with it.

Petrograd, April 14. Word has reached here that the Germans have captured enormous quantities of grain on the Ukrainian border. April 15. The Germans have captured no grain on the Ukrainian border. The country is swept bare.

April 16. Everybody in Petrograd is starving. April 17. There is no lack of food in Petrograd-

April 18. The death of General Korniloff is credibly reported this morning.

April 19. It is credibly reported this morning that General Korniloff is alive.

April 20. It is credibly reported that General Korniloff is hovering between life and death. April 21. The Bolsheviki are overthrown. April 22. The Bolsheviki get up again.

April 23. The Czar died last night.

April 24. The Czar did not die last night. April 25. General Kaleidescope and his Cossacks are moving north.

April 26. General Kaleidescope and his Cossacks are moving south.

April 29. It is reported that the Cossacks under General Kaleidescope have revolted. They demand the Maximum. General Kaleidescope hasn't got it.

April 30. The National Pan Russian Constituent Universal Duma, which met this morning at ten-thirty, was dissolved at twenty-five minutes to eleven.

My own conclusion, reached with deep regret, is that the Russians are not vet fit for the blessings of the Magna Charta and the Oklahoma Constitution of 1907. They ought to remain for some years yet under the Interstate Commerce Commission.

Special Correspondence

THE Article of ''Our Special Correspondent," Mr. O. Howe Lurid, written from "Somewhere on Somewhere," and describing the terrific operations of which he has just been an eye witness:

"From the crest where I stood, the whole landscape about me was illuminated with the fierce glare of the bursting shells, while the ground on which I stood quivered with the thunderous detonation of the artillery.

"Nothing in the imagination of a Dante could have equalled the lurid and pyrogriffic grandeur of the scene. Streams of fire rose into the sky falling in bifurcated crystallations in all directions. Disregarding all personal danger, I opened one eye and looked around.

"I found myself now to be the very centre of the awful conflict. While not stating that the whole bombardment was directed at me, personally, I am pretty sure that it was."

I admit that there was a time, three years ago, when I liked this kind of newspaper stuff served up with my bacon and eggs ever)' morning, in the days when a man could eat bacon and eggs without being labelled a pro-German. Now I somehow prefer the simple statements of Sir Douglas Haig and General Pershing— after this fashion:

"Last night at ten-thirty P. M. our men noticed signs of a light bombardment apparently coming from the German lines.''

The familiar despatches from that man on the Italian Front, who is such a wonderful prophet—after the fact, leave me cold.

"T intin o, near Trombono. Friday, April 3. The Germans, as I foresaw last month they would, have crossed the Piave in considerable force. Their position, as I said it would be, is now very strong. The mountains bordering the valley run—just as I foresaw they would —from northwest to southeast. The country in front is, as I anticipated, flat. Venice is, as I assured my readers it would be, about thirty miles distant from the Piave, which falls, as I expected it would, into the Adriatic."

The War Prophecies

STARTLING Prophecy in Paris. All Paris is wildly excited over the extraordinary prophecy of Madame Cleo de Clichy that the war will be over in four weeks. Madame Cleo, who is now as widely known as a diseuse, a liseuse, a friseuse and a clairvoyante, leaped into sudden prominence last November by her startling announcement that the seven letters in the Kaiser's name, Wilhelm, represented the seven great beasts of the apocalypse; in the next month she electrified all Paris by her disclosure that the four letters of the word Czar —by substituting the figure 1 for c, 9 for z, 1 for a, and 7 for r—produced the date 1917, and indicated a revolution in Russia. The salon of Madame Cleo is besieged by eager crowds night and day. She may prophesy again at any minute.

Startling Forecast. A Russian peasant, living in Semipalatinsk, has foretold that the war will end in August. The wildest excitement prevails not only in Semipalatinsk but in the whole of it.

(Continued on page 108)

(Continued from page 49)

Extraordinary Prophecy. Rumbumbabad, India, April 1. The whole neighborhood has been thrown into a turmoil by the prophecy of Ram Slim, a Yogi of this district, who has foretold that the war will be at an end in September. People are pouring into Rumbumbabad in ox-carts from all directions. Business in Rumbumbabad is at a standstill.

Excitement in Midgeville, Ohio. William Bessemer Jones, a retired farmer of Midgeville, Cuyahoga Co., Ohio, has foretold that the war will end in October. People are flocking into Midgeville in lumber wagons from all parts of the country. Jones, who bases his prophecy on the Bible, had hitherto been thought to be half-witted. This is now recognized to have been a wrong estimate of his powers. Business in Midgeville is at a standstill.

Diplomatic Revelations

THESE are sent out in assortments, and labelled Vienna, via London, through Stockholm. After reading them with feverish eagerness for nearly four years, I have decided that they lack definiteness. Here is the way they run:

"Special Correspondence. I learn from a very high authority, whose name I am not at liberty to mention (speaking to me at a place which I am not allowed to indicate and in a language which am forbidden to use)—that Austria Hungary is about to take a diplomatic step of the highest importance. What this step is, I am forbidden to say. But the consequences of it—which nately I am pledged not to disclosewill be such as to effect results which I am not free to enumerate."

A New German Peace Formula

DR. HERTLIRG, the Imperial Chancellor, speaking through his hat in the Reichstag, said that he wished to state in the clearest language of which he was capable that the German peace plan would not only provide the fullest self-determination. of all ethnography categories, but would predicate the political self-consciousness (politisches Selbstbewusztsein) of each geographical and entomological unit, subject only to the necessary rectilinear guarantees for the seismographic-Action of the German Empire.

The entire Reichstag, especially the professorial section of it, broke into unrestrained applause. It is felt that the new formula is the equivalent of a German Magna Charta—or as near to it as the Germans can get.