Big Casino Is Little Casino

Being the Revenge of One Who, At the Theatre, Has Suffered Long and Helplessly

GEORGE S. KAUFMAN

THIS play is designed to contain a little bit of each of the many things that have been keeping people away from the theatre in recent years. Although its title might indicate that it is aimed at a particular playwright addicted to paradoxical titling, the play as a whole is intended to cover a much wider ground. The idea has been to get square with everybody in three two-minute acts.

The first and only performance took place in New York, where a group of newspapermen, actors and assorted artists gave a strictly private performance as a part of a professional entertainment called No-Siree. On that occasion the off-stage music was played by a young man named Jascha Heifetz, and the remainder of the cast was as follows:

HENRY C. ARCHIBALD, a Multi-Millionaire

John Peter Toohey

DREGS, a Philosophical Butler.Alexander Woollcott

GEORGE W. HARPER, a Broker.J. M. Kerrigan

JOHN FINDLAY, a Rising Young District Attorney

George S. Kaufman

O'BRIEN, of the Central Office.Franklin P. Adamt

MARGARET, Archibald's Daughter.Mary Kennedy

A COMMON Felon.Marc Connelly

BROKER'S Boy.David H. Wallace

THE GOVERNOR OF NEW York.Robert E. Sherwood

FIRST RICH Guest.Neysa McMein

SECOND RICH Guest.».Alice Duer Miller

The play follows:

ACT I

THE scene is the library in the home of Henry C. Archibald, a multi-millionaire. It is a beautiful room, with books in it. As the curtain rises the door-bell is ringing. Dregs, the butler, enters and opens the doors for the guests, all of whom are rich, and some very rich. Among them is George W. Harder, a broker. As the guests arrive Henry C. Archibald enters from an adjoining room.

DREGS: Mr. Archibald, here are some of the 214 fashionable guests for your exclusive party.

ARCHIBALD: Thank you, Dregs. You are a very good man, indeed.

DREGS: Pm glad you think so, sir. There are two kinds of married women—those who get up in the morning and those who don't. . ARCHIBALD: Good evening, everybody! ALL: Good evening!

HARPER: We have come to the party you arc giving—one of a series of lavish affairs for which you are famous.

ARCHIBALD: Indeed, I thank you.

FIRST RICH GUEST: IS this not a magnificent room, with red plush hangings?

SECOND RICH GUEST: Yes, I once read about a room like this in a volume.

HARPER: I understand that you are a very rich man and that you have some novel theories about crime.

ARCHIBALD: Yes. I believe that crime is the fault of the criminal. If you will follow my man, Dregs, who has served me for fifteen years, you may put your things in the rococo room. Dregs, tell the ten-piece orchestra from Delmonico's to begin.

DREGS: Yes, sir. Life is a puzzle and very few are able to unravel it. (Exit Dregs and all except Archibald and Harper)

•Copyright, 1922, by George S. Kaufman. All „ ting Rights Reserved.

HARPER: Have you heard anything about that ardent young reformer, John Findlay?

ARCHIBALD: Yes, I have invited him here to-night.

HARPER: He is not in sympathy with your views of the criminal. (Enter John Findlay, a Rising Young District Attorney)

FINDLAY: No, I am not. I believe that crime is responsible for the criminal, not the criminal for crime. Remove crime and there will be no criminals.

ARCHIBALD: Ah, Mr. Findlay! And how are you?

FINDLAY: -I am well. But have you stopped to think that while you give this elaborate party here to-night, which is but one of a series for which you are celebrated, that your own daughter Margaret, whom you cast out years ago, is perhaps starving?

ARCHIBALD: I have no daughter. She ceased to be my daughter when she opposed my views of the criminal.

FINDLAY: But have you no interest in what she is doing since you .cast her out?

ARCHIBALD: NO, I am a hard man. She does not believe in riches, so let her work out her life for herself among the poor.

FINDLAY: She is, indeed, among the poor.

ARCHIBALD: I know that you are in love with her and have kept track of her, although you are a rising young district attorney with peculiar views about crime. (Music is heard in the rococo room) There is the music. Suppose, while my 214 guests are dancing, that we three play a little game of casino? Or are you afraid to gamble with me?

FINDLAY: I am not afraid. But the thought of your daughter, working among the poor—

DREGS: (Enters) You were about to ring, sir?

ARCHIBALD: Yes. Cards. (Dregs produces a deck of cards, which he has brought zcith him. The three men sit at the table) See that my 214 guests have everything they want. This is to be a night of gaiety, for that is all that there is in the world.

' DREGS: Yes, sir. He who interferes in the quarrel of a neighbor is doubly foolish, for he shall have no neighbors. (He goes)

FINDLAY: YOU are a heartless man, to be gay when there is so much misery in the world.

ARCHIBALD: It cannot touch me.

FINDLAY: Who knows? Perhaps disaster is stalking into your house at this very minute. I seem to have a premonition.

ARCHIBALD: (Who has been dealing) Nonsense! Take up your cards! There! The deal is completed. (He turns white) Good God! (They all spring to their feet)

FINDLAY: Aha! Even as you spoke!

ARCHIBALD: What fiend's work is this? Give me his name and I shall—(Dregs rushes on)

DREGS: IS there anything the matter, sir?

ARCHIBALD: Yes! There are only fifty-one cards in this deck! (There are general exclamations. Dregs is about to summon help) No! Wait! (He turns to Findlay) You think I cannot meet trouble face to face? Then I will show you! Dregs!

DREGS: Yes, sir! A man is as old— ARCHIBALD: I've heard that one! No one is to know that anything has happened! My 214 guests must go ahead and enjoy themselves! The music must play on!

HARPER: God! What a man!

ARCHIBALD: I've got to think—to think! (A pause) Dregs, close every door! No one must leave this house until the police arrive! DREGS: Yes, sir.

FINDLAY: Good God, you're not— ARCHIBALD: I am going to see this thing to the bottom! Dregs, you have the slip that came with this deck of cards, marked with the number of the person who packed it!

FINDILAY: For God's sake, Archibald— ARCHIBALD: Give it to me! (Dregs does so, momentously) And now bring me paper, pen and ink! (He pauses) And a blotter!

FINDLAY: I tell you you musn't do this thing! I can't tell you why, but you mustn't.

HARPER: Good God, what are you going to do?

ARCHIBALD: (His face set)I am going to write to the American Playing Card Company. FINDLAY: My God!

(They hold their poses as the curtain falls) ACT II

THE scene is the same, three days later.

. Archibald is seated, deep in thought. Dregs enters.

DREGS: It is a bright day, sir.

ARCHIBALD: Yes.

DREGS: That is the reason I never married. (There is a ring. Dregs admits O'Brien, a detective )

O'BRIEN: Mr. Archibald?

ARCHIBALD: Yes. You are a detective. Have a cigar!

O'BRIEN: Thanks! I'm O'Brien, Central Office! Who's this?

ARCHIBALD: Dregs, my man. He has been with me fifteen years—I would trust him implicitly.

DREGS: Thank you, sir.

O'BRIEN: I'll come to that in a minute. First, I want you to show me just where you were sitting the other night when you discovered that this card was missing.

ARCHIBALD: Right here. I began to deal, little thinking that anything was going to happen, when suddenly—

O'BRIEN: Well, Mr. Archibald, the Central Office has not been idle. We've been all through the deck and discovered what the missing card is!

ARCHIBALD: Yes?

O'BRIEN: It's the ten ofdiamonds! Does that mean anything to you?

ARCHIBALD: (Awestruck) Big Casino! DREGS: Big Casino!

O'BRIEN: Big Casino is right! And we've done more than that. Your letter to the company resulted in the arrest of the girl who packed the deck!

ARCHIBALD: Ah!

O'BRIEN: She is outside now with her lawyer, waiting' to see you. We got special permission to stop here on the way to the penitentiary. Do you want to see her?

Continued on page 90

Continued from page 50

ARCHIBALD: (Pauses) Yes! Bring her in. (O'Brien goes)

DREGS: After all, sir, the higher one climbs for a bird's nest, the nearer one is to God.

(O'Brien re-enters with Margaret, handcuffed to a man in stripes. Findlay comes along)

ARCHIBALD: Good God! Margaret!

MARGARET: Yes, Margaret!

FINDLAY: Your own daughter! So now you see your work!

ARCHIBALD: Margaret, my little Margaret, whom I used to dandle on my knee! In company with a common felon!

DREGS: (Looking closely at the felon) Good God, sir, it's my brother! (They embrace)

ARCHIBALD: But how was I to know? How was I to know when this terrible thing happened, that it was you—you!

MARGARET: YOU should have known! You knew it would be some one, and that you would drag her down, down!

ARCHIBALD: Margaret!

MARGARET: Oh, it's too late now! I am on my way to the penitentiary, sentenced for five years. But before I go I am going to tell you something! This is the result of your system, your society that you think so much of! You think that riches are everything, that it is the criminals who are responsible for crime! Well, let me tell you something! You make money out of it! You are one of the biggest stockholders of the American Playing Card Company! Now their stock will go up and up, and you will make money—out of me! Out of my body! And all because Big Casino was missing from the deck! Well, my soul is clear, but yours isn't! You have always been Big Casino and I have always been Little Casino, but from now on our positions are reversed! It is you who will suffer! For, thank God, Big Casino is Little Casino at last!

(The situation is tense; the curtain falls )

ACT III

(The scene is a broker's office, two days later. Harper is seated at a desk. Archibald is bowed down in a chair. At the rear a boy is calling quotations.)

BOY: H. J. Heinz, 57! Compressed Air, 26! Playing Card, 52!

ARCHIBALD: What was it before?

ARCHIBALD: Good God, going up!

BOY: American Playing Card, 5 3.

HARPER: They put in the joker!

ARCHIBALD: We must drive it down, down! Sell another million shares!

HARPER: But good God, Mr. Archibald, you are going to bankrupt yourself !

ARCHIBALD: DO as I tell you—drive it down! Sell another million shares —sell two million !

(A little old man enters. He wears a long coat and a slouch hat, and has white whiskers)

LITTLE OLD MAN: Buy two million

American Playing Card!

HARPER: Yes, si*.

(The little old man goes)

ARCHIBALD: Who is that man?

HARPER: I don't know, sir—he's very mysterious. He gives his orders and disappears.

BOY: Playing Card—40 !

ARCHIBALD: Ah!

BOY: 35-30-25-20!

ARCHIBALD: Sell another million!

HARPER: Yes, sir.

LITTLE OLD MAN: (Popping in and out) Buy one million Playing Card!

HARPER: Yes, sir.

BOY: 15—10—5—nothing!

ARCHIBALD: Sell three million at nothing!

HARPER: Yes, sir.

LITTLE OLD MAN: (In and out) Buy three million at nothing!

HARPER: Yes, sir. Mr. Archibald, you are ruined. You have not a dollar left in the world! (Dregs enters)

DREGS: Mr. Archibald, I am only a servant, but I have a little money saved. Will you not take it?

ARCHIBALD: NO, I cannot take your money.

DREGS: Thank you, sir. (He leaves )

ARCHIBALD: I have no money, but I am rich. I have kept faith with my daughter. I am Big Casino again.

HARPER: That's all right, but you must get out of here. We can't have any beggars around. Go on—get out!

(The little old man enters)

LITTLE OLD MAN : Wait! He is not a beggar! He has millions!

HARPER: What!

ARCHIBALD: Who are you?

LITTLE OLD MAN: (Stripping off the disguise) I am Margaret! As fast as you sold American Playing Card I bought it! Everything that you have lost I have made! And now I give it back to you, for you have proved yourself Big Casino!

ARCHIBALD: Margaret! But I thought you were in the penitentiary. How did you get out?

(The Governor of New York enters, accompanied by Findlay)

GOVERNOR: I let her out!

ARCHIBALD: And who are you?

GOVERNOR: (Majestically) I am the Governor of the State of New York.

FINDLAY: And a boyhood friend of my father's.

MARGARET: John!

FINDLAY: Margaret!

(Dregs rushes on)

DREGS: Mr. Archibald!

ARCHIBALD: Well, Dregs?

DREGS: My brother! He was not a convict after all, but a novelist seeking local color.

(O'Brien enters)

O'BRIEN: What is going on here? (Grabs Margaret) You are under arrest!

HARPER: Oh, no! You are under arrest! (Grabs O'Brien)

ARCHIBALD: What does this mean?

HARPER: It means that he is not a detective after all, but the real thief!

FINDLAY: And who are you?

HARPER: I am the detective!

ARCHIBALD: Margaret, you have taught me a great lesson. Big Casino is Little Casino, after all!!!

(The curtain falls)