"Won't you be my Valentine?"

COREY FORD

"Such men as you are a rank disgrace And a burning shame to the human race.

"Your wife, whom you ought to support, you allow To supply your bread by the sweat of her brow, While you idle around, and do nothing at all Except to loaf, and drink, and brawl . .

—"A Brute Who Makes His Wife Support Him" (from the author's collection of Comic Valentines).

"You're a very bad egg, and your fair-looking shell Deceives not at all, for we know you too well, etc., etc." —"A Bad Egg" (ibid.).

Who can recall the Comic Valentines of yesteryear? 11 can, of course, hut I'm just asking to see if you know.) Who remembers those mischievous ballades, with their gay titles and delicate illustrations, which another generation was wont to exchange on St. Valentine's Day, usually for a good poke in the nose? That, mes enfants, was a generation that could take it.

Let us open the satin-lined rosewood chest on the mantel for a moment, gentle reader, and let us untie the faded pink ribbons and glance once more at those innocent billets-doux of another and gentler era. How tender and wistful, how remote, somehow, from the hurly-burly of modern civilization they seem, with their whimsical titles—"A Cheap Fake" or "A Skunk Who Beats His Wife"—and their elfin verses.

Let us strive to recapture the sweet perfume of Grandma's Day, lingering amid the crumpled rose-petals, as contained in that teasing Comic Valentine entitled "To A Modern Woman," which many a devoted husband doubtless mailed (anonymously) to the dainty minx of his choice:

"You've got the vote, and you think it's your mission To go to the polls like a bum politician.

And while you are voting, your husband must roam For something to eat which he can't find at home, He's getting dyspepsia and can't work for pain, Your children neglected, ask for you in vain. While you make speeches from a broken soap-box, Your family is wearing soiled clothes and torn socks

We can almost hear the peals of merriment of an aging beauty at the wit contained in the refrain of "A Regular Fright":

"Paint and powder, rouge and cream, You'd better try them without, delay. In point of beauty you are a scream, A scarecrow to frighten men away. You'll never take a beauty prize. That face of yours would stop a clock. When you appear each neighbor cries: 'The homeliest woman on the block!"'

Small wonder, then, that these Comic Valentines came to be exchanged each year with more and more feeling, accompanied by increasing shrieks of merriment, fistfights and several stabbing-frays, until the whole thing culminated one February 14th in a general outburst of hilarity known as the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. In fact, the passing of this innocent custom has left a deplorable gap in the available methods of insulting one's friends and acquaintances; and it is in order to restore a little ill-will to the community at large, and encourage the good old-fashioned spirit of neighborly hate once more, that I have attempted to dust off a few old Comic Valentines and bring them up to date.

Accordingly I have taken the liberty of suggesting a few sample verses.

Take, for example. Bankers. (And you know what you can do with them.) What could be more fitting, on St. Valentine's Day in the morning, than to mail something like the following sentiment to the President of your local Rock of Gibraltar, which folded recently, carrying with it all your savings? To be sure, I have not had time to fix up all the rhymes, and one or two of the lines don't exactly scan; but the meat of the thing is there. After all, this is supposed to be a Comic Valentine:

You borrow my money and spend it yourself, Then lock up the Bank containing my pelf.

While you travel to Wash, and inform the Comm. That you don't know where your next penny is coming from.

When I have any more dough to put into banks, I'll hide it under the mattress, thanks.

On the other hand, perhaps it is desired to send a Comic Valentine to a host who has just entertained you over the week-end. If you have recovered sufficiently the following might be appropriate:

To My Host and Hostess, with Thanks for a

Very Entertaining Week-end at Liberty Hall

It isn't enough to disturb my slumbers For a good brisk bike before breakfast of about ten miles in round numbers; But when I crawl back, all weary and lame, Your wife has to entertain everybody with the latest parlor-game.

From now on, the hell with week-end capers: I'll stay home and read the Sunday papers.

Another Comic Valentine which should have widespread appeal is addressed to "A Sidewalk Minstrel":

At seven each morning your shining face Parks under my window in Beekman Place,

While the strains of "Auf Wiedersehen", "East Side, West Side," or "The Moon Comes Over the Mounting"

Disturb the sheep I am busily counting.

1 toss on my pillow and keep on wisbin' you Would get your tongue caught in your saxophone sometime, you terrible musician, you.

Moreover, a similar bit of sentiment might be appropriate for "A Taxi-Driver":

With all the tips I give you, you palooka.

You ought to be practically rolling in lucre, But whenever I ask you to change a dollar,

You always says: "Sorry, buddy, have you got anything smollar?"

1 he following Comic Valentine, addressed to "A Member of the Fair Sex", is admittedly rather general in theme. It may be used in whole or in part, and in addition it is advisable to send it anonymously:

You shameless hussy, you hold bad harlot,

Will you please to stop painting your fingernails scarlet?

And while I am calling a spade a trowel,

Will you be a little careful, too, about leaving lipstick smudges on the napkin or guest-room towel? And, for that matter, all you brazen Mammas,

W ill you please please please lay off wearing those damned flowered beach pajamas?

(This last line may be delivered in a shout.)

Other sample Valentines may be attempted as follows:

To a Comic Artist Who Is Always Getting Mixed Up in Night-Club Scraps with Members of the Social Register:

I wish you would not try to take on all the Vanderbilts and the Drexel Biddles,

So I could read something else in the headlines besides your latest bi-diddle-diddles.

To Inflation Explainers:

This Comic Valentine goes for Wives who don't understand Inflation and who are always asking their husbands to explain it to them,

As well as for Husbands who don't understand Inflation any better than their wives, but nevertheless are always trying to make it plain to them.

To a Broadway Producer:

Shake, boys, shake!

Everything's Jake!

In case any of the preceding Comic Valentines fail to fit the particular need of the moment I have dared to suggest several more titles which might be appropriate. The reader can supply his own verses as well as I have, or else He's a pretty terrible versifier:

"To an Oaf Who Wears One Glove and Carries the Other."

"To a Lady Evangelist."

"To a Blundering Host Who Puts Sliding Rugs on Polished Floors."

"To a Business Man Who Sends Advertisements through the Mails Marked 'Personal'."

"To the Saps Who Write Chain-Letters." "To People Who Extinguish CigaretteStubs on Plates with Butter on Them."

"To a Broadway Columnist."

"To Bread-Pudding Eaters, Will Rogers, People Who Go Fast through RevolvingDoors, and the Dry-Voting Citizens of North Carolina and South Carolina."