Bluestocking Stuffers

Nothing comes between me and my Jays

VANITIES

FOR the year of non-static cling, Harcourt Brace Jovanovich is publishing The Alice Walker Calendar, a combbound affair which also serves as a handy appointment book. According to the publisher, The Alice Walker Calendar will also feature quotations from her books—most famously The Color Purple—and "notations of the dates and events she privately commemorates." When we first heard about The Alice Walker Calendar, we snickered like little hellions and blew big bubbles in our milk cartons. What next? Barbara Pym prayer missals? Raymond Carver cocktail napkins? But then we thought: Why shouldn't writers diversify? Writing is such a tough way to turn a penny that perhaps writers should come out with their own line of products. So, in the interests of capitalism and a few cheap laughs, some suggestions:

Jay Mclnerney Jeans. When those bright lights prove too big for your britches, slip into a snug pair of Jay Mclnerney Jeans, the denim that breathes and moans. Also from Jay Mclnerney Action Gear: Ransom, the cologne for men held hostage by desire. Frederick and Donald Barthelme Cough Drops. Quiet those existential qualms with the cough drops intellectuals prefer. You've read them in The New Yorker; now look for them on the cover of their cough-drop box—they're the brothers with the ginger beards.

Bobbie Ann Mason's K-Tel Favorites. Have you ever read fiction by Bobbie Ann Mason and wished you could be depressed by the songs that are making her characters miserable? Well, now you can! This two-record set features all of the sound-track music for In Coun- try, plus two bonus hits not previously included on Ann Beattie's Songs for Unwed Lovers. It's a guaranteed afternoon of poignant drizzle.

Cynthia Ozick Freckle Cream. John Updike has written heroically about his psoriasis, but did you know that Cynthia Ozick is teeming with freckles? "It's true," admits Ozick. "I'm a dense, floating galaxy of cinnamon bits." But with Cynthia Ozick Freckle Cream, you too can be as cool and alabaster as a page from Henry James. Tastes great on crackers, too.

Joyce Quaker Oats. The breakfast cereal that doubles as brain food. Created by Joyce Carol Oates, author and space ranger, this new breakfast treat is the first to combine crunchy sugar morsels and chunks of raw fish. "It'll stink you out of house and home," says Oates, "but the taste—oo-la-la!" Comes with its own serving dish.

James Wolcott