Aries men, in their fantasies, always play prime-time heroes, but in their real lives they tiptoe around for fear of provoking the woman  they love. Aries women are vanilla-ice-cream m cones dipped in sprinkles of hostility. I personally r would never jaywalk across a street Debbie Reynolds was driving on.

No matter how docile they may appear, they see life as a hockey game, and if you don’t have swift reflexes you’ll end up with a puck in your mouth. Pretend to obey them, let them rant on, and give them lots of advice they can’t follow.

It kills them to admit they need you, so let them think you’re the dependent one. They get a pleasant hormone rush out of that. And once they actually believe it, they’ll take on the world—even the phone company—for you. If you’re dying in the hospital, your Aries will rush past the nurses and the NO VISITORS sign, pull out all the tubes, plant a kiss on your cheek, and command you to live. And guess what— you’ll live.

Current trends: Starting this month the dragon’s head, or north node of the moon, will be in your sign for about a year and a half. You’ll be even more lovably impossible to live with than usual. You’ll get caught kissing the mirror. You may also claim to walk on water, when actually you’re standing on the shoulders of some poor jerk who’s down there holding his breath. Weddings will make you cry, but the thought of marriage will make you gag. You’ll fall madly in love with somebody and then pretend you’re not home when the person calls. If you are married, you’ll hog the bed till you’re alone, then curl up in one little comer and suck your thumb. If you’re overly defensive about rejection, you could bring it on. Don’t look for applause, and try not to dwell on other people’s flaws. Give yourself a birthday party—a steak dinner for one—and enjoy it.

CONFIDENTIAL TO BETTY FORD: You must be pretty tired W of Operation Bootstraps. You’d give anything to make a video like Jane Fonda’s so you wouldn’t have to repeat yourself eight thousand times, but your healing powers might not be effective without the direct laying on of hands. You’re gaining even more control over Jerry than you think, not that you’d ever want to exercise it. You also know a lot more than you are able to communicate, so your success depends on the living example you set. Humanity will continue to be your outlet, but your head must learn to rule your heart. Remember, once you’ve eaten on White House china, Mother Teresa you can never be.—Michael Lutin