The Freelantzovitz Files

The Diary of Josh Freelantzovitz of Park Slope, Brooklyn

MONDAY Faxed in query letter: "Dear Mr. Pearlstine: Why should Time Warner enter the already crowded men's-magazine field? Because I, Josh Freelantzovitz, have a unique concept for a title that will leave GQ, Esquire, Details, and Men's Journal in the dust. Introducing JOSH, the definitive handbook for that driven, quests t ing creature known as Homo sapiens maleus americanus—the American Man! What does this guy, the American Man, want? Edge. Attitude. Cool. Ze/fge/sfiness. How to be a man without letting on that he, the American Man, wants to know how to be a man. JOSH will deviate from the tired content of its competitors, offering such features as: Tom Wolfe on Gillian Anderson of The X-Files; David Halberstam on David Duchovny of The X-Files; J. D. Salinger on the cultural significance of The X-Files; Dominick Dunne's letter from the set of The X-Files. JOSH is also committed to a sizable service component—fun, but smart: Simon Schama goes to the Chelsea Piers driving range; Cornel West in search of the perfect julep; Philip Roth test-drives a Taurus. Plus, what no other publication dares to have: a sex column! I, Josh Freelantzovitz, editor in chief, have vast experience in the men's-book racket, having reviewed condoms for Details (accepted in July '95, never published), and having sold an as-yet-unpublished Are You Pussy-Whipped?' quiz to Maxim. In conclusion, I'll just say, 'Don't panic, American Man —JOSH is on its way!' I look forward to our partnership, and will follow up with you later this week."

TUESDAY Followed up by phone with Norm Pearlstine. His assistant said he was in a meeting. Working on Plan B: hacking my way into the private Amex files of Hearst brass, then selling the data to The New York Observer.

WEDNESDAY Followed up by phone with Norm Pearlstine. His assistant said he was in a meeting. Also, no go on Hearst credit-card caper: Observer editor said idea is not mean enough. So, on to Plan C: taking up that offer from editor at London Spectator to write 2,000 words on gay Hollywood—"and, you know, really outing people." What's £250 in dollars?

THURSDAY Followed up by phone with Norm Pearlstine. His assistant said he was in a meeting. Proceeded to report Spectator piece. Placed A.M. calls to all major L.A. studios, publicists, agencies, leaving message that I was writing about their homosexual personnel. By P.M., phone ringing off the hook, the most it has since April, when all those reporters wanted to talk to me because of my brief, accidental membership in the Heaven's Gate cult. (Boy, do I rue the day I clicked on the wrong icon on their Web site!) No one would grant me an interview except, oddly, Rip Taylor, whom I hadn't even called. Spectator canceled the article, saying it wouldn't work without names. Bummer.

FRIDAY Decided to visit Norm Pearlstine in person. Got past security people by flashing Time Warner card I found on the floor under a coat hook last year at Elaine's—some editor named Walter Isaacson. \ \ Norm's assistant said he was still in a meeting. I said I'd wait. She said, "How'd you get in here?" Thinking fast, I offered her a job as my assistant at JOSH at twice her current salary. Was deposited by two large men on the pavement across the street from Radio City. Shouted, "You haven't heard the last of Walter Isaacson!"

SATURDAY Dawdled the day away on laptop, visiting the Well and Echo sites on the Web. Got in prolonged discussion with accredited journalist Rob Tannenbaum (!!!) about the ethics of Owen Gleiberman's deliberately writing movie reviews so he'll get blurbed in ads. Proud to say I got a :-) from Rob for my crack "Who the hell is Jeff Craig, and what the hell is Sixty Second Preview?" A :-) from Rob Tannenbaum! Feeling much better.

SUNDAY Cough, cough! My friend Jared scammed a box of Monte Cristos, which we smoked while listening to Esquivel. (Young people smoking cigars, listening to lounge music? Could be a hot story for Details! Reminder: E-mail Joe Dolce.) Through the blue smoke came a brilliant idea: Marvin Shanken—publisher/benefactor of JOSHl Left message on his voice mail saying I'd be reporting for my first day of work at Cigar Aficionado the Monday after the New Year...