Intelligence Report

Your up-to-the-minute guide to cult figures at home and abroad

GEOFFREY BEENE

ALAN GREENSPAN

HELMUT LANG

GINA GERSHON

THE TWO FAT LADIES

JANEANE GAROFALO

70s INCARNATION

PRIME GROUPIES

Geoffrey Beene

Philanthropic power ladies who have jobs

Henry Kissinger

CNBC shut-ins

Yves Saint Laurent

Waif fashion

assistants

Raquel

Welch

Lipstick lesbians

Julia Child

Single, downwardly mobile barristers

Rhoda Morgenstern

Freelance writers living with parents

SIGNATURE LOOK

Cozy mandarin restraint

Viennese biker

Tax-lawyer chic

Marie Antoinette with a whip

Upper-crust madwoman

GROUPIES' SIGNATURE LOOK

Urban scrapper

Aerodynamic Beene jumpers

Bathrobe and stubble

Dieter from "Sprockets"

Spandex dominatrix

Wide-wales and rubber totes

Think Bed

EVENT OF THE YEAR

MUSE

Garbo

Senate Humphrey-Hawkins testimony

Paris couture week

Nabisco Dinah Shore ladies' golf tournament

All-Shropshire Meat Raffle

Comedy Central Eugene Levy marathon

ARCH-ENEMY

John Fairchild

Hammurabi

Mapplethorpe

Barbarella

Henry VIII

Daria

LITTLE BUDDY

Helen O'Hagan

Veruschka

Abby Cohen

Dries van Noten

Sandra Bemhard

Gwyneth Paltrow

Martha Stewart

Bobby Flay

Fiona Apple

Christina Ricci

ACCESSORY

Priest-neck shirt

Blow-up doll with Andrea Mitchell face mask

Larry Summers

Pocket

protector

Trapezoidal wristpack

Pouty sneer

Two bottles of Madeira

G-Shock digital watch

GROUPIES' ACCESSORY

Hamish Bowles

Bjorn Borg underwear

The Crista! hangover

Cat-o'-nine-tails

Silk Cut Extra Slim 100s

Janeane's used Coke can

PHOBIA

Doc Martens

Bubble mentality

Airborne animal dander

Wasa crisps

Back fat

GUILTY PLEASURE

Planters Cheez Mania

Sue Herera

Parachute pants

Boys

Spotted Dick (and a bottle of Madeira)

Friends

OFTEN MISTAKEN IN THE MIDWEST FOR...

Mr. Bean

F. Murray Abraham

kid brother

Courteney Cox

Bea Arthur and

Dom DeLuise

Rosie

O'Donnell

CENTER OF GRAVITY

Second home

in Honolulu

Chairman's

washroom

Baby-lettuce section at the Barefoot Contessa, East Hampton

Chin Chin on Sunset Blvd.

Sausage counter at Harvey Nicks

Los Feliz

GROUPIES' CENTER OF GRAVITY

Three inches from Mr. Beene's whispering lips

His bedroom

Vandam restaurant

NoLlta

Coffeehouse where he

Lansdowne Crescent saw Janeane having diet muffin last December

DIRTY SECRET

Played Mayor McCheese in 70s McDonald's campaign

Closet bulimic

Helmut Lifshitz

Not really a lesbian

The two fat men upstairs

Drunk dialer

MOTTO

"Color is the memory of color."

do we know when irrational exuberance has unduly escalated asset values?"

"Dat vood look soo much betler v,th 3 l***

"I'm hot, I'm horny, so watch the hell out."

-ADAM IEFF and MATT TYRNAUER

"Nothing tastes better

"Do yourself a favor. Don't be that guy."