Calendar Boy

MARCH IS THE MONTH

BEFORE THE CRUELEST MONTH

SUNDAY

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

5

Ebsworth Collection, National Gallery, Washington, D.C. Through June 11. Colder, de Kooning, Hockney, Pollock, Arshile Gorky, et al. Thirty minutes in, you will start calling your friend who made you go an "Arshile." This will be funny only to you.

6

Fashion Week ends in Paris. City goes back to wearing its normal, shabby clothes. Restaurants begin to show a profit once again.

7

Super Tuesday: California and New York hpld presidential" primaries

"Crowning Glories: Two Centuries of Tiaras," M.F.A., Boston. Through June 25. I hope one of those centuries featured the Miss Nude World Contest. Although the tiara would immediately and ironically eliminate the winner.

2

Arch-enemy authors John "Cider House Rules" Irving and Tom "A Mon in Full" Wolfe share the same birthday today. They are separated by 11 years, and an unfathomable chasm as to the definition of "good writing."

3

Time magazine, first published in 1923, marks its 77th anniversary. Chances of an overhyped, self-congratulatory party significantly lower this year.

4

Carnival, Brazil. Through March 7.

If you're an

ass man, then this is

your holiday.

Mardi Gras.

8

Spin Wednesday: All presidential candidates take to the airwaves, explaining how they did "better than expected" in yesterday's primaries.

9

"Ruskin, Turner and the Pre-Raphaelites," Tate Britain. Through May 28. Don't go to the Tate Modem, a new museum, but do go to the Tate Gallery, renamed Tate Britain.

This Cool Britannia thing sure is tourist-friendly.

10

1963:

Pete Rose debuts in professional baseball with two hits in his first at-bats in spring training. Wins bets he placed on both hits.

11

Meeting in secret somewhere in the Appalachian Mountains, a cabal of fashion designers, magazine editors, and advertising executives declare that Gwyneth, S.U.V.'s, and Starbucks are "just so last century."

12

"Van Gogh: Face to Face," Detroit Institute of Arts. Through June 4. Turns out this guy cut off his own ear!

I don't know about you, but I'm definitely going to Detroit to meet

this guy.

I swear, this is a total coincidence: earmuffs patented by Chester Greenwood of Maine, 1884;

Larry King's television talk show premieres, 1983.

14

Milton Avery exhibition at DC Moore Gallery, New York. Through April 8. If you've wondered how Avery used the brush handle to scratch out paint to define lines, you must be working on a dissertation.

16

March Madness begins. Dick Vitale disastrously switches from "baby" to "sweetheart."

TV ratings tumble.

17

St. Patrick's Day. McDonald's no longer sells those Shamrock Shakes. Reason enough to get loaded.

18

Robert Goulet works on his Christmas cards.

Mr. Goulet is a very organized man.

Ides of March.

No idea what the hell this is.

19

You know what Martha Stewart's doing today?

Well, then read her damn calendar.

20

Experts predict that by today tartar will have been controlled.

21

Purim. This is a very holy day for Jews, so we are taking this as a holiday.

Bosses, do not insult us with your culturally insensitive questions about our customs.

22

Homey, finally, plays that game.

23

1877: First telephone installed in White House. 1993: First telephone sex in White House.

24

Los Angeles:

Anyone in the film business who wasn't nominated for an Oscar leaves town on "urgent business." Expected back March 28.

25

One of the morning shows features a diet expert.

26

The Academy Awards. This year, all V.F. subscribers are invited to Graydon's superswanky V.I.P. Oscar party in L.A. Yeah, right. Like he'd even eat at the same restaurant as you.

Get a clue.

27

The 15th anniversary of the last time Sharon Stone had a moment of self-doubt.

28

Appreciate Your Calendar Writer Day. Send all gifts to Calendar Boy, Vanity Fair,

4 Times Square, New York, N.Y. 10036.

29

The first anniversary of the Dow's hitting 10,000. Remember those sad days of only one vacation home and saving Cristal for special occasions? Thank God the market has picked up.

30

Celine Dion turns 32. Learn more about it on Entertainment Tonight.

31

Rene Descartes's birthday. Entertainment Tonight likely to skip over this one.