The Evil Mastermind's Diaries

(Selected Excerpts, 1986-2006)

MAY 12, 1986

How weary I am! Weary of exams, weary of dorm life, weary of the pizza place down the road from campus! What will become of me? Am I doomed to join the silent, suffering horde?

OCT. 17, 1988

Strange turn of events in chemistry class. On a whim I grabbed a beaker and drank the bubbling liquid contained therein. It gave my insides quite a sting and caused my muscles to seize up. Now, these many hours later, in this infirmary bed, I feel different ... more powerful ... as if fully alive for the first time.

OCT. 18, 1988

I can either render myself temporarily invisible or else I have gone mad. And I either have a superhuman strength that allows me to punch through walls or else whoever built this infirmary did a crappy job.

OCT. 19, 1988

The nurse brought me a hand mirror earlier today. "What's this for?" I asked. I had my answer once I looked into the glass. Horror! The liquid I drank has somehow left me disfigured. But at least my face now matches how I have always felt inside.

NOV. 10, 1989

Desperate. Alone. Broke. A hideous freak can't get a break in this town, especially one with a less-than-sparkling resume. I have powers (e.g., the superstrength, the temporary invisibility). It's time to use them.

JULY 6, 1990

What did I think about, how did I occupy myself, before I became an outlaw?

NOV. 25. 1990

Visited a custom mask-maker for a fitting today. Oddly enough, he mentioned that he had met with someone like me not long ago. Can there be another freak out there, another hideous face in hiding? Or was the mask-maker just pulling my leg?

DEC. 24, 1990

Merry Christmas to moi. I have received my mask and it fits perfectly.

SEPT. 4, 1991

The night watchman said, "Bill—that you?" And that was the last thing he said. Forgive me for what I have done.

DEC. 23, 1992

I made roughly $74,000 this year, tax-free. Not bad. But with a good organization beneath me, I believe I could live like a sultan, or at least a prosperous businessman.

JUNE 9, 1993

Lila. Lila. Lila.

JULY 5, 1993

She says she would like to see beneath the mask. Sweet, silly Lila.

AUG. 3, 1993

As we strolled along the beach, I agreed. Yes. Tomorrow I will remove my mask for her. She promises to love me no matter what, and I believe her. Wonderful Lila!

AUG. 4, 1993

Terrible Lila! Awful Lila! I may be vile, but I am not so vile as she.

AUG. 5, 1993

From now on it will be work, work, work. Will plan, will toil. Will show her. Will show them all.

MARCH 9, 1994

With my guidance and superhuman aid, we pulled off our first major heist todayrobbing the New York Stock Exchange—but the details of running a crime gang, even one so modest as mine, are getting me down. I could use a good number-two man. Perhaps Zalmer could fill that role.

DEC. 19, 1997

A good number two must be sharp but not overly ambitious—and now ambition has Zalmer in a choke hold. Does he seriously believe he can supplant me? It's clear: we must part ways. And when I hire a new number two, it will not be someone whose last name starts with Z. It just seems so cliche.

FEB. 12, 1998

I wept tonight while watching When Harry Met Sally on cable. My copious tears caused the mask to slip off my face. I am disgusting.

JUNE 9, 1998

My criminal success continues. Still, I feel a pang of melancholy—a pang that says, "Is this all there is?" Perhaps I need a hobby. Golf? No, too bourgeois. And what respectable country club would have me? Even with my billions I remain an outcast.

OCT. 12, 1998

Zubin, my new number two, made a remark this morning—something about my "cackle" not being "evil" enough. Zubin, you are fired. And then you die.

JAN. 19. 1999

With my latest number two doing a competent job—his name is Zalchnik; I know, I know—we're bringing in more money and causing more mayhem than I had ever dreamed possible. But in service of what? Ah ... yes ... it hits me. I suddenly know my true purpose: I want to rule the world.

JULY 12, 1999

Despite our ongoing skirmishes with federal forces, I can say with accuracy that I now control lands covering more than 250 square miles—but I'm not satisfied. With an outrageous plan of attack executed perfectly, the whole world can be mine.

AUG. 20, 2000

Zalchnik keeps warning me about a so-called "superhero," who makes the papers every time he foils a mugging. Like me, this man took to wearing a mask after drinking a bubbling liquid in his youth; unlike me, he imagines that he can use the resultant powers for "good." How laughable. Zalchnik? You have given me your last bit of gloomy counsel. Good-bye.

JAN. 30, 2002

Weapons of mass destruction. And they are mine. Know what the beauty part is? Despite the bellicose talk of certain rogue leaders, I'm the only mofo cold-blooded enough to actually use them.

APRIL 5, 2004

Shame about Hawaii. Everyone seemed to love it so.

APRIL 30, 2004

Thrilling day! I now rule the world. Hang on, let me backtrack a sec. So there we were, the masked "superhero" and I, tussling atop a steel beam of a nearly completed skyscraper. At times we would shift into invisibility—then scare the crap out of each other by popping back onto the scene. Oh, wait, 1 forgot to mention that various armies had failed to stop me, leaving just the two of us to duke it out at this unlikely locale. So. Where was I? Ah, yes, the fight. We wrestled for a good while, the noses of our masks touching, until I sent a jab to his chin—bam! Next thing I know, I'm there stomping on his fingers as he gripped the beam. Then he plummeted to his death. I think his last utterance was "Aaaaaaah!" Then I broadcast a message to the planet. I can't remember my exact words, but it was something to the effect that I was to be the new ruler of the world or else humankind would die a quick death, et cetera, et cetera. Long story short, they acquiesced. And, well, here we are.

MAY 4, 2004

It's weird to wake up each day as the ruler of the world. I mean, I'm not complaining or anything. It's just weird, that's all.

MAY 13, 2004

Former leaders are paying homage to me. Me! And yet ... despair. All I want is Lila. What does she think of me now? Does she think of me at all?

JUNE 15, 2004

Picture the Taj Mahal, Versailles, and Graceland—combined—and you'll get an idea of the new palace. But it's homey too, with a pinball machine in the rec room, stuff like that. All I lack is a queen.

JULY I, 2004

Sweet life. Lila has returned to me. She was a sight to behold, pulling hair, kicking shins, and spitting in guards' faces. I got right to the point: "How would you like to be queen—not for a day but for a lifetime?" I thought that was a nifty proposal. Zackney was supposed to capture the moment with his new digital video camera, but the battery went dead. He won't be making that mistake again.

JULY 20, 2004

Last week the saucy Lila kept kneeing me in the nuts. This week she is content to slap my face. So things are looking up, I guess. Ah, romance.

AUG. 3. 2004

Before agreeing to lie with me, Lila requested that I deal gently with a band of so-called rebels now languishing in an island prison. I gave her my word. Now, as I write these lines, Lila's darlings are being shot. Perhaps this will teach her to keep her pretty nose out of politics.

AUG. 25, 2004

Zadnos keeps pestering me with reports of rioting across Asia. He asks me what I plan to do. I tell him the truth: I plan to do nothing. He gives me a blank look and mentions, in a faux-offhand manner, that the roadways across Europe need major repair. I tell him I did not sign on as ruler of the world to be a glorified civil servant. He gives me the blank look again. Zadnos? Prepare to die.

OCT. 6, 2004

Zorloff warns me that the world's television and radio stations are kaput, or soon will be. "Very interesting," I say. "What does this have to do with me?" "Well," he says, with a smirk, "if you can't reach your subjects through the media, it might be a little bit hard to threaten them with instant death, don'tcha think?" Hmmm. How can I make sure Zorloff will never sass me again? Hey, I know. I can have him killed. Crazy plan, but it just might work.

DEC. 15, 2004

Few airports functioning. Sewage problems like you wouldn't believe. Nationalism, doomsday cults, folk movements on the rise. I'm starting to think I function best as a challenger to society and not as its reigning champion, if you know what I mean. I explain this to Lila while she's getting her massage, but she does not understand—or pretends not to.

APRIL 17, 2005

I have removed the mask. Permanently! How good it feels to have my cheeks in the open air. Lila's reaction amuses—and pains—me. When she tells me how handsome I look, her visage grows almost as twisted as my own.

JAN. 5, 2006

Lila is fat, radiant, and seemingly—dare I say it?—happy.

FEB. 28, 2006

All lines of communication cut. I could blow up everyone on earth and they wouldn't know what had hit them—literally—which wouldn't be satisfying to me, I must admit. If I am to destroy them, I at least want them to know the author of their deaths. Is that shallow of me? Have I lost the old fire? What happened to the guy who blew Hawaii off the map just because he could?

MARCH 12, 2006

I have an heir! How he shrieked! Almost as much as Lila did upon seeing his hideous face.

APRIL 2, 2006

Jubilation outside the palace. I should have known Zellwegger would betray me— with help from dear Lila, no doubt. Here I sit, woozy in a cement cell, under the influence of a drug that has sapped my powers. Ruling the world was tough, to be sure, but I'd have to say it was an excellent experience overall ... as my son will learn, I hope, 20 or 30 years hence.

JIM WINDOLF