What if

What if Paris Hilton were president of the United States?

JANUARY

President says of landslide victory, "It's all about the belly chain."

FEBRUARY

President brings troops home from Iraq to enlarge nation's dating pool.

MARCH

President awards Presidential Medal of Freedom to head colorist at Sally Hershberger.

APRIL

President says H.M.O.'s sound "so gay."

MAY

President tells Albuquerque schoolchildren that people treat you differently if you wear jewelry on your head.

JUNE

President says two most important items on Air Force One are her Chihuahua and blow.

JULY

President likens war-crimes tribunal in The Hague to judges on American Idol.

AUGUST

President tells Moscow newspaper owner that he's misspelling "Prada."

SEPTEMBER

President likens World Bank to return policy at Fred Segal.

OCTOBER

President suggests emergency airlift to Baghdad of spray-on tans and Biore pore strips.

NOVEMBER

President asks aide, "Who is Kim Jong the Second?"

DECEMBER

President accidentally signs bill, "Mrs. Jude Law."

JANUARY

President resigns: two-party system cuts down on three-ways.

HENRY ALFORD