WHO'S WHO: A TYPOLOGY OF MOVIEGOERS

HENRY ALFORD

1 THE CINEPHILE

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION:

Glassy-eyed. Unkempt. As soon as the film starts, he screams "Focus! Focus!" directly into the eardrum of the nearest patron, HABITAT RANGE: Antonioni retrospectives; anything featuring Alain Delon or a dwarf, is CONFUSED BY : All of the words in the phrase "Ashton Kutcher bromance."

SECRET FANTASY:

To succeed TCM host Robert Osborne.

WHAT HE BRINGS TO THE FILMGOING

EXPERIENCE:

Discernment, body odor.

2 THE PERSON ON FIRST DATE

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION:

Darty-eyed. Heavily fragranced. Prone to nervous laughter.

HABITAT RANGE:

Non-threatening, heavily hyped movies often centered on an obscure historical moment or Judi Dench. IS CONFUSED BY:

Sex scenes, and how to respond to them. SECRET FANTASY: For this movie never to end, thus obviating end-ofevening awkwardness.

WHAT SHE BRINGS TO THE FILMGOING

EXPERIENCE: A crushing level of expectation.

3| THE INCOGNITO CELEBRITY

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION:

Sunglasses. Baseball cap. Daily Variety peeking out of pocket. HABITAT RANGE: Anything starring herself or her rivals.

IS CONFUSED BY:

Tilda Swinton and her popularity, SECRET FANTASY: To die while watching one of her films, or for a member of the Academy to tell her that next year she will definitely "medal."

WHAT SHE BRINGS TO THE FILMGOING EXPERIENCE: The

message that even V.I.P.'s must endure the human glue trap that is the movie theater's Pepsicoated floor.

4 THE POTENTIAL MASTURBATOR

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION: Raincoat, HABITAT RANGE: Anything starring Charlotte Rampling or Jessica Alba; anything with "Nurse" in the title.

IS CONFUSED BY:

Narrative, SECRET FANTASY: That all the people in his life were two-dimensional.

WHAT HE BRINGS TO THE FILMGOING EXPERIENCE: Nonheart-specific throbbing.

5 THE FORMER CHILD STAR

NOW SUPPORT NG

HERSELF BY SELLING

WEIGHT-REDUCTION

POWDERS

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION:

Heavily backlit, HABITAT RANGE: Movies featuring Muppets, small dogs, rainbows, or scenes of candy production, is CONFUSED BY: Contemporary attitudes toward childhood and profanity.

SECRET FANTASY:

For someone to ask her to do the voice-over for a documentary about Rwanda, or for someone finally to write an authoritative history of Tiger Beat magazine.

WHAT SHE BRINGS TO THE FILMGOING

EXPERIENCE: A tendency to tsk-tsk at any evidence of gratuitousness.

A shivering, and possibly sickly, dachshund.

6 THE CREW MEMBER

WHO DIDN'T

GET INVITED TO THE

SCREENING

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION:

Black satin jacket with the film's logo embroidered on it that was given to all crew members. HABITAT RANGE: 11:30 A.M. showing of film on opening day. is CONFUSED BY: The proximity of his credit in the crawl to the film's copyright, SECRET FANTASY: That he will be rushed to the front of the theater for a post-film Q&A.WHAT HE BRINGS

TO THE FILMGOING

EXPERIENCE: Resentment.