V.F.'s All-Purpose Public MEA CULPA

DEPARTMENT OF CRISIS MANAGEMENT

A USEFUL PRIMER ON THE SUBJECT OF INSTANT REDEMPTION*

BY BRUCE FEIRSTEIN

•SELECT OPTIONS APPROPRIATE TO YOUR SITUATION AND FAX TO HOWARD RUBENSTEIN ASSOCIATES FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE.

Good morning. Let me begin by saying thatI wish to apologize to

{the hotel staff; the Malibu sheriff's department; my fans; the gays; the voters who elected me to serve them; the people of New Jersey; NASA; all you Dittoheads; the audience at the Laugh Factory; my family; the cast and crew of my television show; everyone in America}

for

{taking bribes; having an affair with my aide's wife; trying to hurt my fellow astronaut's girlfriend; buying that methamphetamine; having an inappropriate relationship with an intern; making anti-Semitic remarks; making anti-gay remarks; calling that escort service; flying Maria Bartiromo on the corporate jet; misleading the country about the weapons of mass destruction; making racist remarks that might have been misinterpreted as racist; hurling that cell phone}.

Because, let me be clear: I am not a(n)-

{crook; racist; drug addict; anti-Semite; philanderer; homosexual; homophobe; bad guy; pedophile; killer; enemy of our brave soldiers overseas}.

But I realize that my words and actions, howevermueh they were misinterpreted and blown out of proportion by the press, have deeply embarrassed

{NASA; CNBC; the Golden Globes organization; the church; the N.B.A.; my constituents; my family; my editors; my fellow cast members; Jerry Seinfeld}

and also hurt-

{Jews; blacks; women; Hispanics; gays; union members; our troops in Iraq}.

And for this, I apologize. I can neither defend norexplain my behavior, except to say,

{I am an alcoholic; I am a sex addict; I have long struggled with substance abuse; I was exhausted and on painkillers that clouded my judgment; I was abused by a priest as a child}.

Still, I recognize that I have a problem that needs to beaddressed. To this end, I look forward to meeting with

{Al Sharpton; Jesse Jackson; Abraham H. Foxman; the counselors at Promises; the oversight board of the National Association of Evangelicals; the leaders of the gay and lesbian community; my agents at CAA; Oprah}.

In the meantime, I hope you can all find it inyour hearts to

{forgive my indiscretions; buy my new album; see my new movie; watch my new TV show; buy my memoir; look past this at election time}.

And in closing, I hope you'll allow me the spaceand time to deal with these issues in private.