REJECTED ITEMS FROM THE AMERICAN CHRISTMAS CATALOGUE

BRUCE FEIRSTEIN

HOLIDAY USA 2013 EXCEPTIONAL GIFTS

THE N.S.A. "WE'VE-GOT-YOURBACK PACK™" SERVICE

Computer crash? Cell phone stolen? No worries! For just $59.95 a month, the N.S.A. will provide you with access to all your phone calls, e-mails, banking information, and online passwords! Just call the N.S.A.: We're Always Looking Out for You™.

THE GOOGLE GLASS MASK

Whether you're rioting in Tahrir Square, running from W.M.D.'s in Damascus, or simply Occupying Wall Street, the Google Glass Mask is just what you need to stay in touch on Twitter and Facebook. Don't start the revolution without us! (Requires Wi-Fi or a cell-phone data plan.)

GAME OF DRONES

Become a member of the Night's Watch and defend The Wall around your

home, as you target Hellfire missiles on unctuous relatives, pesky business competitors, or even the meth dealer next door... Just like the president! (Available for P.C. or Mac.)

THE "I DIDN'T DRAW THAT" ERASABLE RED-LINER

Put the entire world on notice, and then change your mind in the blink of an eye! Also great for filling out N.C.A.A. tournament brackets. Fully erasable, leaves no marks. Never lose face again!

."TWISTER: THE AM ERI CANFOREIGN-POLICY EDITION

Touch all the bases— and connect all the dots— as you twist yourself into a pretzel trying to explain American foreignpolicy goals in Syria.

Fun for infidels and insurgents alike!!!

THE SHELTER-IN-PLACE McMANSIDN

Why cower under a desk, or shiver in a dank basement, when you can be the envy of your friends, neighbors, and co-workers and ride out the next storm in a custom-designed nine-bedroom, six-bathroom pop-up \hideaway? (Bulletproof glass and Kevlar wall plates available at extra cost.)

THE TESLA MIL-SPEC EDITION

Don't let an angry mob mistake you for a heartless member of the I percent. With run-flat tires and rear-facing cannons that shoot wads of $100 bills, you'll be able to escape any situation with your life, and your conscience, intact. (Cash not included in purchase. See Web site for details.)