INTELLIGENCE REPORT: ETHNO-SPLOITATION GROUPS

With the third season of MTV’s Jersey Shore under way and a host of copycat “ethnic” shows proposed or in production, ADAM LEFF and RICHARD RUSHFIELD assess the sordid world of TV-ready upholders of bad stereotypes

GUIDOS

CHAVS

VLADS

SAMMIS

MASSHOLES

Defaming the good name of all honest, hardworking...

Italian-Americans

Subjects of the Queen

Russian emigres

Persian-Americans

Irish-Americans

Spiritual home

Nassau County, Long Island

Runcorn, Cheshire, England

Brighton Beach, Brooklyn

Beverly Hills flats, L.A.

Southie, Boston

Standard-bearers

The Situation, Snooki, Teresa Giudice

Lotto lout Michael Canol I. lias l hinders star Daniella Westbrook

Espionatrix Anna Chapman, real-estate tycoon Alex Sapir

Hotelier Sam Nazarian, lifestyle entrepreneur Shuki

Pol-gangster brother duo Billy and Whitey Bulge

Aspirational ideal

Victoria Gotti

Posh and Becks

Mikhail Prokhorov

Bijan

Mark Wahlberg

Wheels

Mazda RX-8 with Bilstein shocks

Loaded Nova with custom exhaust and branding removed

Snorkel-nosed custom Escalade by Christian Audigier

Taxi-yellow Bentley Azure T

’87 rear-wheel-drive Grand Prix

Signature facial expression

Un-ironic Zoolander “Blue Steel’’

Thousandyard stare

Mentally sawing off your limbs

Above the fray

Sidelong look of disgust at all outsiders

Catchphrase

“Gotta G.T.L. [gym, tan, laundry] everyday, bro!”

“Oi, that’s proper mint, innit?’

“I will rock you.’’

“No worries, my friend, it will be cool.’

“Wicked pissah!’

Tribal markings (male)

Formfitting black •n i • , r i.' r silk shirt, Gotti-boyz gel-bomb do, waxed abs

Tight Wayne Rooney tracksuit, gold rope, paunch

Height above six feet four, Versace blazer, white jeans, shiny silver trainers

Gold John Varvatos aviators, soft AG jeans, Gucci driving loafers

Bledsoe throwback jersey, faded Sox cap

Tribal markings (female)

Scoop top, salon tan, intimate apparel as daywear, blackerthan-blackhair

Tightly cinched and peroxided hair, tracksuit, Reebok classics, pram

Herve Leger bandage dress, 58inch-heel patent-leather YSL Tribute pumps

Stretch-suede stirrup pants, faux-fox vest, chocolate Birkinbag

Long ponytail, tight Levi’s, tapered ladies’ PAPELBONT

Status symbol

Westhampton bottleservice V.I.P. card

Knockoff Burberryplaid holster for mobile phone

Four-page spread in Prokhorov’s Snob magazine

Mega-footprint miniVersailles home built by Hamid Omrani

Autographed ’04 photo of Curt Schilling pitching with bloody sock

Pickup line

“Wanna touch ’em?’

“Gawon, ave some, y’ole poof!’’

“Here it is boring. I will bring my driver round.’

“You like to party up?”

Whaddya, frickin’ queeah bait or what?’

Intellectual chronicler of folkways

David Chase

Ricky Gervais

Gary Shteyngart

Maz Jobrani and “The Axis of Evil Comedy Tour’

Matt Damon and Ben Affleck

Mortal enemy

Obama and his tax on parlors

Goths, moshers, and emos

LeBron James

The maitre d’ with the tude at Bazaar on La Cienega

A-Rod