Fixing DONALD TRUMP'S Hair

STRATEGIES FOR ADDRESSING A NATIONAL EYESORE

When Rudolph Giuliani abandoned his combover, in 2002, there was but one short news cycle devoted to the matter, and a flattering one at that; People magazine congratulated him on his "cleaner, statelier, more Stanley Tucci-like haircut." Herewith, some strategies for Donald Trump should he follow suit and pursue a more honest, dignified, and tolerable appearance.

DAVID KAMP

THE WAXED DOME A successful gambit for Bruce Willis, Andre Agassi, and Michael Stipe. Still, given Trump's puffiness and large, low-set ears, this look, while tidy, might occasion unwelcome comparisons to Bond villain Blofeld in You Only Live Twice.

THE VICTORIAN CLERIC An appealingly Dickensian look, not unlike that affected by the foppish British composer Sir John Tavener. Yet this might play as too peculiar for the American electorate, to say nothing of the roughand-tumble world of New York real estate.

THE LATTER-DAY PAUL SIMON Circa The Capeman (1998), Simon gave up his hairpiece—and looked the better for it. A Simonstyle do—a little mussed, not too severely cropped— would make Trump someone we might not actually mind looking at for another 20 years.