The Year in 10 OBJECTS

ET CETERA

REVIEW

Can we encapsulate all of 2012 in a mere 10 artifacts? Yes, we can, as someone once said

1 THE SOCIAL NET WORTH

For one brief shining moment, on May 18, when Facebook finally went public after months of hype, it was 1999 all over again. A round of Red Bull and Cap'n Crunch for everyone! Alas, the "I.RO. of the century" turned out to be more Pets .com than Google, or even Linkedln. Mark Zuckerberg now has to scrunch into his hoodie and glare sullenly at his sneakers whenever he visits Herb Allen's.

2 I AM CORIOOS (RED)

In August, the perennially underfunded, shuttle-less NASA managed to land a brave little rover namedCuriosity(pronounced, in Martian, "Hilarious Old Garbage") on the Red Planet, where the easily anthropomorphized, Wall-Eesque vehicle is hunting for evidence of microbial life. (No one is expecting an answer as to why Disney spent $250 million onJohn Carter,a less adorable Mars mission.)

3 FREE LOVE

ThankstoObamacare-authorized regulations, 47 million women with health insurance became eligible in August for a slew of preventive-health services, including...{sotto voce)"birthcontrol." The measure was bitterly opposed by President Obama's political adversaries and certain religious leaders, leading to an epidemic of "slut shaming" in the House of Representatives and on the far-right end of the radio dial.

4 NOT HOTTER THAN JOLY

Boy, was it hot this summer! How hot?Sohot that eggs fried on sidewalks, innercity children opened fire hydrants, sweaty lovers slid melting ice cubes down the curves of each other's backs, and climatologists declared July to have been the hottest month on record in America—ever!—compounding the effects of an epic drought that turned entire swaths of the country into a Dorothea Lange theme park.

5 FALLOPIAN BOOB

What's the difference between a maze on the back of a cereal box and the female reproductive system? None! They're both tricky! Such appears to be the guiding philosophy of Todd Akin, a Missouri congressman whose medieval-era beliefs about the improbability of pregnancy in cases of "legitimate rape" were briefly (briefly!) too perverse for even the G.O.R powers that be.

6 GLOBAL ECONOMY

Nobody can say Mitt Romney's millions are parochial. His Swiss bank account {ferme just in time for him to run for president) became a campaign issue, as did his continuing stakes in investment vehicles based in Bermuda and the Cayman Islands. But in fairness, why should China get all the good outsourcing?

7 THE SAFE WORD IS "POWER OFF"

Who knew the world's mums were keen on bondage—that ball gags fit so neatly in organic canvas diaper bags? Inadvertently or not, E. F. James satisfied the hunger of porn-starved mothers everywhere with her Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. More ⅞7' Fifty Shades accomplishments: adding the phrase "Holy cow!" to the erotic lexicon and inspiring a raft of try-it-at-home sets. (Batteries and worldly billionaire with secret wounded heart sold separately.)

8 ALL IN THE FAMINE

Glorious news-bulletin alert! Supreme Commander of the Korean People's Army, Kim Jong-un, is now leader of the warm, electricity-having, food-filled nation of North Korea! Jong-un replaces his father, Dear Feader Kim Jong-il, superlative ruler in both the East and West—not to mention the most handsome! Except for ⅛⅛ father, many-cheekboned Great Feader Kim Il-sung, founder of the Peoples' Democratic Republic of Korea and inventor of cabbage! The eminent rule of the Kim family will continue for 1,000 not-hungry years!

9 BLOWN JOB

There's nothing like embarrassment to sort of motivate the N.F.L. (See: ex-player dementia.) But the botched calls of its "replacement" (Goodellese for "scab") referees during a labor lockout turned the first three weeks of the season into a blooper fever dream that had even bookies throwing up their hands in disgust. At least the lock-out added an element of zaniness to the so-called No Fun Feague. Season highlight: Eagles running back FeSean McCoy's claim that a ref pulled him aside and said encouragingly, "Come on, I need you for my fantasy [team]!"

10 EVERY WHICH WAY BUT COGENT

The most provocative conceptual-artperformance of the year was "Untitled (Shut Up)," a site-specific, Dada-esque achievement that perplexed, challenged, and, we believe, ultimately enlightened viewers and attendees of the Republican National Convention. The artist: avant-garde art-world parvenu Clint Eastwood. His dark materials: an empty chair (which art theorists believe represented Barack Obama) and the meandering, gently flowing stream of his own consciousness.

SARAH BALL, BRUCE HANDY, AND JULI WEINER