MAP OF THE HOLLYWOOD MIND

BRUCE FEIRSTEIN

CREATIVITY

Sequels. Remakes.

Plots of old television shows. Expense reports. What can I steal from the hit movie that opened last weekend?

GLIBNESS

Authoritative 10-second criticisms of movies I haven't seen, books I haven't read, and TV shows I haven't watched.

IMPONDERABLES

Republicans. Flyover states. Reality TV.

ENVY

Steven Spielberg's power. Brian Grazer's credits. Clint Eastwood's longevity. Scott Rudin's taste. Marty Scorsese's talent. David Geffen's money. An invitation to the Vanity Fair Oscar party.

LONG-TERM MEMORY

Slights. Snubs. Rejections. Revenge.

FALSE COMPLIMENTS

"You're a genius!" "You've done it

again!" "It's all up there on the screen." "I swear, you look 10 years younger."

GOSSIP

Dirt on co-workers, clients, agents, producers, directors, actors, writers, studio executives. Actual production costs of films. Who's broke, hooking up, getting divorced, on drugs, about to get fired.

JOY

My enemies' failures.

WORKING (SHORT-TERM) MEMORY

Burglar-alarm codes. Recent lies/stories/fabrications re: client signings, TV-pilot deals, films "about to go into production." Names of current assistant, current spouse, and most recent children. List of this week's hot executives, agents, actors, directors, writers, and restaurant maître d's.

FEARS & NIGHTMARES

A $3.5 million opening weekend. Passing on a project Sony turns into a billion-dollar franchise. Driving a Buick. Ending up broke, living in an apartment in Fairfax, with cats.

DESIRE

Royalties. Residuals. Studio deals. Going on the A-list. Final cut. Possessory ("a film by") credit. The Warner's jet. A critical success. A franchise hit. A Soho House membership. "Just being nominated." An Emmy. An Oscar. A TV series in syndication. Lakers floor seats. The Thalberg award.

REPRESSED MEMORY

Why I got in the business.

CORE OPERATING PRINCIPLES

First, establish blame. Never apologize. All relationships are transactional; we agree to be friends as long as it's mutually beneficial. Never retreat, always go on the offensive; instantly calculate and exploit the insecurities and weaknesses of everyone you meet.