The science of faux expertise DIET-O-MATIC

VANITIES

An easy-to-follow three-step recipe for creating your own media-pleasing dietary fad

BRUCE FEIRSTEIN

1. CARVE OUT A UNIQUE PREMISE:

WITH MY NEW (PICK AN OCCUPATION) Goldman Sachs partner's Prius mechanic's Civil War enthusiast's Gun lobbyist's Hostage negotiator's

ORGANIC (COMBINE WITH A GEOGRAPHIC REFERENCE) French North Korean Italian red-state American

HOME-STYLE (FOLD IN A CUISINE OR DIET REGIMEN)

vegetarian Cuban kosher vegan locavore

BARBECUE (SPRINKLE IN SOMETHING HOT AND TRENDY) DIET, food-truck Instagram Twitter molecular-gastronomy

YOU'LL (CHOOSE SEVERAL) live longer lose the love handles improve your sex life bring about world peace

JUST BY ELIMINATING (PICKONE) red meat whole grains anything blue

AND EXISTING ON NOTHING BUT (PICK TWO) AT EVERY MEAL.

fish rice vodka sugar red meat roast wombat whole grains pure bile

2. NOW SERVE IT ALL UP IN A BITE-SIZE, EASY-TO-DIGESTSENTENCETHAT BOOK EDITORS AND TVTALK-SHOW BOOKERS CAN SWALLOW WHOLE:

"With my new PRIUS MECHANIC’S organic NORTH KOREAN home-style CAJUN barbecue FOOD-TRUCK diet, you’ll LOSE THE LOVE HANDLES, IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE, and BRING ABOUT WORLD PEACE, just by eliminating ANYTHING BLUE, and existing on nothing but ROAST WOMBAT and PURE BILE at every meal."

3. AND, FINALLY, SIT BACK AND GET FAT AND HAPPY.

... as you watch the book rise like a souffle on the Amazon best-seller list...

4. AND THEN GET THEHELLOUTOFDODGE...

... before anyone points out that it's nutritionally ridiculous and the only real way to get healthy is to exercise and cut down on calories.