The Gold STANDARD

Et Cetra

Your ultimate ceremony rundown, from the go-to dates to the trademark drinks

The Academy Awards

The Golden Globes

The SAG Awards

The Independent Spirit Awards

The W.G.A. Awards

Known to Viewers Around the World as

The Oscars

The Oscar's Half-Wit Cousin

The Secretly "Out" Awards

The "Alternative" Awards

The Nerd Prom

Venue

The Dolby Theatre

The International Ballroom of the Beverly Hilton

The Shrine

White tent on Santa Monica Beach

JW Marriott L.A. Live

Iconic Host

Bob Hope

Ricky Gervais

Tina Fey

John Waters

Seth MacFarlane

The Statue

(8.5 lbs.)

(5.5 lbs.)

(12 lbs.)

(5 lbs.)

(7 lbs.)

Best Known for

Fitting two hours of entertainment into 0 four-hour show

Open bar all night long

Brangelind's yearly public face suck

"Keeping it real, dude."

Balding middle-aged guys in tuxedos looking for Rooney Mora

“It Girl”

Meryl Streep

Kate Winslet

Sofia Vergorcz

Michelle Williams

Kristen Wiig

Distinguishing Feature

The Chuck Workman film montages

Awards decided by 88 unknown foreign journalists

"Its genuine warmth."

Sparkly-hoodie dress code

Date

"My mother"

Kim Kordoshion

Jason Weinberg

Illeono Douglas

Roommate Keith

Drink

Moét Red Carpet Glamour

Absolut and Pom Wonderful

"Fiji water-yum!"

Ginger kombucha

Diet Dr Pepper

Signature Dish

Wolfgang Puck's lobster tacos

Chocolate terrine sprinkled with edible gold

Roasted root vegetables

Lunchbox from Along Came Mary

Peanut-butter ThinkThin bar

Black Sheep

David Letterman

Lindsay Lohon

The SAG Puppeteers

Kevin Smith

The video-game writers’ caucus

Tryst Spot

Behind the giant Plexiglas Marlon Brando

Trader Vic's

The Fendi Casa Green Room

Back of the Prius

JW Marriott rollowoy bed in the hallway

Acceptance Sparkly-hoodie

"I deserve this. Thank you."

"I wont to thank God and Harvey Weinstein."

"I'm just a bartender from Ohio who had a dream...

"Whoa-how rad is this?"

"Is this show actually on the air?"

ADAM LEFF