WELLNESS: HACKING THE SYSTEM

VANITIES

Do you want to live forever? VERA PAPISOVA has devised the perfect day, full of antiaging and devoid of death

VERA PAPISOVA

It is a truth universally unacknowledged: A star in possession of death anxiety must be in want of an optimized body. In La-La Land, dying on schedule is C-list behavior. The ultimate performance is a life that transcends age—measured not by applause or awards, but by a perfect harmony produced by the gasp of rivals when your blood work reads 10 years younger than their last role. To endure beyond the mortal frame is not vanity, but professional destiny.

In this theater, what is death but bad lighting? Glamour is eternity; eternity is glamour. When the curtain falls, let it fall on someone else.

This hero's journey is not for the faint of heart, nor for the weak of jawline. Should you dare, presented below are what 24 wellness hours can look like for an ageless statue. Fair warning: Some of these suggestions will expire long before a vial of salmon DNA. Such is the fate of science in Hollywood. So what if it's not doing anything? Neither are diamonds, and those are forever. You could be too.

4:23 A.M. Awaken to a Hatch dawn simulator and forest bird soundscape. 4:26 A.M. Remove Dream Recovery mouth tape and Second Wind nasal strips. 4:29 A.M. Measure and document inner ear temperature. 4:31 A.M. Brush teeth with a titanium toothbrush. 4:34 A.M. Scrape tongue with the Slate electric flosser. 4:39 A.M. Sit in front of a Firewave red light therapy panel by EMR-Tek while positively affirming my mitochondria. 4:42 A.M. Drink 20 ounces alkaline water with a side of Cymbiotika liquid colostrum, Thorne creatine, preand probiotics from Seed and Promix, and 63 pills subjectively recommended by longevity podcasters.

4:48 A.M. Barefoot grounding outside to become one with the earth's electrical charge. 5:05 A.M. Review health datawith my private nurse to microdose death anxiety. 5:15 A.M. Draw blood sample with nurse for biomarker tracking and Eli health cortisol test.

5:32 A.M. Mobility exercises to prepare for training with Senaptec glasses to stimulate my sympathetic nervous system. 6 A.M. 120 minutes HIIT training designed for a professional athlete. 8:01 A.M. Film myself for TikTok lying on the floor with my eyes closed to document meditation. 8:21 A.M. Strike Tibetan gong a few times. 8:24 A.M. Drink $42 custom Erewhon smoothie delivered by my assistant. 8:30 A.M. Zoom call with my water sommelier to curate upcoming shipment of Svalbardi iceberg water from the North Pole. 9:09 A.M. Ninety minutes hyperbaric oxygen therapy in my Atlantis chamber from HPO Tech (it's Turkish) while alternating nostril breathing set to beta frequency binaural beats. 9:23 A.M. Pass out inside chamber wearing Muse headband. 10:33 A.M. Wake up inside chamber. 10:34 A.M. Roll my eyes back into my head repeatedly to stimulate my pineal gland. 10:39 A.M. Exit chamber. 10:54 A.M. Eat sun-charged blueberries from a hollowedout geode.

10:59 A.M. Daily peptide injections curated by nurse (BPC-157 even though it's not doing anything yet). 11:07 A.M. Become aware of posture. 11:29 A.M. Enter my Kohler x Remedy Place cold plunge tub. 11:34 A.M. Exit. 11:36 A.M. Infrared sauna with surround sound Sanskrit mantras. 12:03 P.M.

Drink 20 ounces of water filtered through volcanic glass imported from Iceland. 12:30 P.M. Visit Dr. Ellie for her signature salmon DNA facial. 1:42 P.M. Post selfie for Instagram while drinking more water. 2 P.M. PureLux Yangsiguan scalp spa for bespoke nontoxic deep cleansing treatment and acupoint stimulation. 3:03 P.M. Get in a private car to Santa Monica and bring my nurse for a mobile glutathione and NAD+ drip. 3:16 P.M. Accidentally become aware of mortality. 4 P.M. Trauma sensory therapy at Reality Center using a digital psychedelic wave treatment to rapidly reset nervous system in vibrating mineral water with synchronized light and sound. 5:31 P.M. Reality Center vocal analysis to capture biofeedback data from the vibration of my own words and curate optimal mantras and intentions for manifesting my highest self. 6:02 P.M. Accept the circle of life while drinking $56 custom smoothie. 6:12 P.M. Ask nurse about 6:29 P.M. Decide I am toxon my $ll,900 foam roller from Remedy Place while crying. 8:31 P.M. Turn on dim red lights to lower my cortisol levels ahead of sleep. 9:32 P.M. Take BiOptimizers magnesium, Thorne Theanine, and Cheribundi tart cherry juice. 9:34 P.M. Adjust bedroom temperature to 62 degrees and release blackout curtains. 9:37 P.M. Apply mouth tape, nasal strip, andNuCalm Bio signal Processing Disc. 9:43 P.M. Get in temperature-controlled bed (Hastens mattress with an Eight Sleep system) and play Delta waves. 9:45 P.M. Whisper "I am immortal." 9:46 P.M. Nocturnal repose into restorative sleep.