HAMLET FOR BROADWAY

As W. Shakespeare would have to adapt his Style to various stars

Robert C. Benchley

For FRANK TINNEY

ACT I. SCENE I. A Platform before the Castle House.

PRELIMINARY choruses by Lady Ghosts, dances by the Castle Family, songs by the King, dialogue between Polonius and Laertes and chorus of Female Grave-diggers.

EnterHAMLET

(Advatices to front of stage and addresses conductor.)

Hello, Walter! How are you? I don't really care how you are, I dob'.t; btft I have to ask you that to, get the dct started. Say, want ter see somethin' I got, Walter? CONDUCTOR: NO thanks, Frank.

HAMLET: Look, Walter. That's not what you'rp to say, it isn't. Don't yer remember, Walter? We had it fixed 'at I was ter come up and say ter you "Want ter see w'at I got, Walter?" and you was ter say "Why yes, Frank, w'at have yer got?" Don't yer remember? Now, le's begin it again. An'Walter. Le's use our beans .this time. Now, we'll ferget all 'at we did wrong and begin all over. An'don't crab it this time. . . . All ready?. . . All ri', now. . . . Want ter see w'at I got, Walter?

CONDUCTOR: Why yes, Frank, what have you got?

HAMLET:{Drawing skull out from under blouse) Look Walt, a dead-head! I got it from the box-office, I did. . . . Now, Walt, you want ter ask me "whose head is it, or was it?" See, 'ats w'at you ask me. Now, go ahead, "Whose head was it, Frank?" Go ahead, ask me.

CONDUCTOR: Well, whose head was it, Frank?

HAMLET: Why, Walter, 'at was young Yorick's:. . . . Now you say, "What, not Harry Yorrick, 'at use ter play second-base on the Giants?" See? Ask me that, Walter.

CONDUCTOR: What, not Harry Yorrick, the old Giant second-baseman? How do you know that, Frank?

HAMLET: Here, Walter, you're goin' too fast. That "How do yer know?" question doesn't come fer a minute er so,it doesn't. . . . Well, all right. Letit go. . . . You've ast me how do I know it was Harry Yorrick, the old Giant second-baseman? All right, I'll tell yer how I know. . . . It's goin' ter be a riot, Walter. I have ter laff myself at it. . . . You ast me how I know it was Harry Yorrick, the guy 'at lost the Series fer the Giants in 1877? Well, Walter, I tell yer. ... I reco'nized the bone!

{More dances by the Castle Family.)

CURTAIN

For EVA TANGUAY

SCENE:Big Time in Vaudeville.

ENTER HAMLET in stage-harul's uniform. Unrolls a strip of velvet carpet from the wings, indicating that the highest paid performer on the bill is about to appear. Exit HAMLET.

Alarum without. EnterOPHELIAon the run. Tears up and down the strip of carpet, uttering shrill cries and throwing paper flowers into the audience. Sings, as through a frouzle of hair, furzily.

OPHELIA(singing):

I'm crazy—I'm crazy, here we are again! There's rosemary for remembrance, I hate to carry on like this, For I really am an ingenuous miss, But the manager's check approximates bliss, So here we are again! Wow!

ExitOPHELIA,squealing. Receives bundle of Bethlehem Steel for her night's work. • Enter HAMLET.Rolls up carpet. ExitHamlet. Arctic Drop for the Trained Seals

For DE WOLF HOPPER

ACT 1. SCENE.A Platform before the House of Lords. Enter Chorus of Ghosts, singing, as in Gilbert and Sullivan.

WE (boom-boom) are Ghosts (boom-boom) of highest station,

Paragons of transmigration,

Exponents of visitation,

Ta-rata-ta-ta-, ta-rata-ta-ta, ta-rata-ta-ta, TA!

FIRST GHOST: DO you think the Melancholy Dane will deign to interview us?

SECOND GHOST: Hush, here he comes!

EnterHAMLET

Advances to footlights and sings in submarine voice.

Hamlet's Song

When I came to be Prince as a very young man, (Said I to myself, said I)

I will work on a new and original plan,

(Said I to myself, said I)

I will never laugh out at a joke or a pun,

Or connive at a crass exhibition of fun,

For, to my mind,bon vivant is much overdone, •

(Said I to myself, said I)

Chorus of-GHOSTS: Said he to himself, said he!

v CURTAIN

ACT 2. SCENE.A Room in the Castle.

EnterHAMLET

HAMLET: TO be, or not to be. That is the— {Cries from the ushers in the back of the house of "Give us 'Casey at the Bat.' ... We want 'Casey'". The performance stops, andHAMLET,protesting, is induced to recite "Casey at the Bat.")

CURTAIN

For CHARLIE CHAPLIN

ACT 1. SCENE.Elsinore. A Platform before the Castle.

FRANCISCO and Bernardo are discovered in comedy policemen's uniforms playing pinochle on the parapet. Enter Horatio and Marcellus running, pursued by Ghost. Francisco and Bernardo are pushed off into the moat with much splashing and appear on the surface, registering wetness. Horatio and Marcellus tumble into a trough of mortar, registering mortar-fication. Enter Hamlet with springhalt motion. Stands with back to Ghost and waves at Ophelia who appears in one of the windows of the castle. Ghost approaches Hamlet from behind and jumps at him. Hamlet falls over backward into duck-pond. Exit Ghost, h la Bert Williams.

(Next Reel Follows Immediately)

ACT 2. SCENE.A Hall in the Castle '.

Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstem as comedy Hebrews, from opposite doors. They collide and fall down, Rosencrantz into the fireplace where the soot from the chimney drops on him, Guildenstem into the gold-fish tank. The pictures all fall down and the roof caves in. Enter Ophelia, registering "Well, I never!" Stoops to sweep up wreckage. Enter Hamlet with a pail of whitewash. Trips over Ophelia. Business of blowing whitewash at each other.

(Next week—Oth'hello—A Scream!)

ACT 3. SCENE I.A Churchyard.

Enter two clowns, who fall into open grave. Enter Horatio who piles dirt on them. Enter Hamlet, who throws Yorick's'skull at Horatio, knocking him in with the others. Very comical. Enter Ophelia acting queerly. Hamlet registers masher's instinct. Ophelia starts to run. Hamlet after her. Horatio climbs out and chases Hamlet. Two clowns chase Horatio. Joined by townspeople, soldiers, courtiers, hautboys and retainers. Down an embankment, over a barn-roof, through a church-service, ending up with a tremendous splash in a brook. Exit all except Ophelia, who floats off downstream, blowing like a porpoise.

ACT 3. SCENE 2.A Hall in the Castle.

Enter King and Queen with attendants. King lays his crown on throne and then sits on it. Registers consternation. Enter Players, followed by Hamlet. Business of comedy prize-fight between players. Hamlet lights big cigar, which exudes comedy smoke, thereby heating the automatic sprinklers to such a point that they burst into action, deluging everyone. Burlesque finish.

Passed over by the National Board of Censors.

(Continued on page 110)

(Continued from page 67)

For WILLIAM GILLETTE

ACT r. SCENE I.A Platform before the

Castle.

Enter Hamlet and Horatio. Hamlet in a dressing gown and smoking a briar pipe.

HAMLET: YOU say, Horatio, that this Apparition you saw on the parapet walked with a slight limp?

HORATIO: Yes, my Lord, and had red mud on his boot-tops.

HAMLET: Red mud! Excellent! You know my methods, Horatio, apply them.

This looks like nasty business.

CURTAIN

ACT 2. SCENE 2.A Graveyard.

Hamlet and Horatio arc discovered looking at a skidl.

HAMLET: This is strange, Horatio. A skull, and no skeleton attached. Surely the man wasn't always like this. Else how would he have got about? There has been foul play here somewhere.

HORATIO: DO you mean that—

HAMLET: I mean just that. I knew this man Yorick. He never was detached like this. Mark my words, Horatio, this is a clue. . . . But hush! who is this? Quick, out of the way! (they retire behind an urn.)

Enter King, Queen and three small ones.

HAMLET: There, Horatio, is the man that did the deed!

HORATIO: What deed, my Lord?

HAMLET: Why, the deed we are investigating: the murder of the King of Denmark.

HORATIO: Good night! I didn't know we had finished up the Case of the Seven Gooseberry Pits!

HAMLET: My dear Horatio! You know my methods; apply them. And, by the way, you might slip your chlorine bomb into your pocket. I look for a bad night.

CURTAIN

ACT 3. SCENE I.A Hall in the Castle.

Enter King, Queen, Hautboys and Busboys.

KING: I dread these amateur theatrical affairs. I've got lots of work I ought to be doing tonight.

QUEEN: Well, we have to go through with them to keep up appearances. Do you think anyone suspects?

KING: No one but the police, thank Heaven!

Enter Troupe of Players. Hamlet creeps in and hides

himself under the King's throne. Players proceed to act oid a scene of burglary. No effect on the King. Next they rehearse an arson plot, with no emotional indication of guilt from the King. A representation of the crime of mayhem is then portrayed. The King roars with laughter. Hamlet appears from under throne and snaps handcuffs on the King.

HAMLET: They're looking for you at Scotland Yard. I drop the case here. Horatio, I'll tell you all about it on the way back to London. Have you got that vial of scopolapin with you? This has been nasty business.

CURTAIN]

For GEORGE M. COHAN

ACT 1. SCENE I.Front Porch of Alex Hamlet's Place

at Denmark Corners, three hours from Flatbush.

Enter Marccllus and Bernardo, as farm hands.

MAR.: They certainly done Hamlet dirt.

BERN.: HOW d'yer mean, done him dirt?

MAR.: Why, didn't you hear? His uncle from the City comes up here and ships his old man off, and now has married the widow and falls into the estate. Pretty soft, eh?

BERN. : Righto! But I look to see Hamlet come back strong.

(Orchestra strikes up " Yankee Doodle." Enter Hamlet in a blue serge suit.)

HAMLET (sings)

I'm the Star Spangled Kid,

With a tilt to my lid,

I take the comers on high speed and hardly ever skid.

I'm off for New York,

And I'll cause lots of talk,

For I'm a hip-hip-hurrah-adoodle Ham-let!

Well boys, I'm off for the Great Tight Way to avenge the Governor. Whose coming with me?

Chorus of Farm Hands, Reapers, Book Agents and Milkmaids: We'll all go! FINALE: "Off for Old New York." CURTAIN

ACT 2. SCENE.Broadway at night. Cohan's Comedy Thealer in the background.

Enter Hamlet and Chorus of Play A dors. SONG: "Longacre Square, How I Love to Be There!"

HAMLET: Well, boys and girls, tonight's the night! My uncle who has done me so dirt and my wayward mother have got seats in C, 2 and 4. All you have got to do is to get the murder scene across good and strong. And when it comes to the sob stuff—spill it, spill it!

Exeunt Players into Theater. Enter Ophelia on the loose.

HAMLET: Well, ... if here isn't my old boyhood love, Ophelia Butters. I'll do the Rescue Mission stuff. . . . Ophelia!

OPHELIA (backing into the Times Building): Ham!

HAMLET: Yes, little girl, it is your old beau from Denmark Corners, come to find you and make you his bride.

OPHELIA: Oh, Ham! (leaves a powder spot on his lapel.)

Enter Uncle Claudius and Wife in low spirits.

UNCLE C.: I never see such a show. It seems as if they must have known all about how we done the deed.

HAMLET (confronting them with an American flag): You old crab, you! I thought you'd crack under the strain. Go back to Denmark Comers! I burned the old Farm down the night before I left and drew all your money from the bank, and Ophelia and I are going to live the rest of our lives in Little Old New York, the Capital of the U. S. A.

Enter Chorus, dressed in American Flags at half-mast.

FINALE: "It May Be All Right in Denmark, but Give Me the U. S. A.!"