The Dental Princess

An Operetta in the Realistic Style of Modern Fiction

DONALD OGDEN STEWART

REAL Life is not romantic", cry the writers of modem fiction—the authors of Zell, Main Street, Lulu Bett and Moon Calf. Vanity Fair agrees, and presents below a musical comedy from which all traces of romance and good taste have been carefully and painfully omitted. If the novelists are doing it, why not the librettists?

CAST

Beulah Epps, a Near-sighted Lady Dentist.

Elmer Heep, a Gentleman Undertaker.

Eric Strange, a Plumber.

Dental Attendants, Hopeless Relatives, Morons, Wailing Babies, etc.

SCENES

A small, planless town in the Middle West.

ACT I—Interior of Miss Epps' Dental Parlors.

ACT II—Kitchen of the Heep home, adjoining the undertaking establishment.

MUSICAL NUMBERS ACT I

1. A Clean Tooth Never Decays. .Dental Attendants

2. I'm Looking for a Cavity. .Beulah and Attendants

3. I Love Literature.... Beulah and Chorus

4. Tooth Waltz.Beulah and Chorus

Introducing "I'm Lonely for My Sweet Tooth Girl",

by Elmer.

ACT II

5. Real Life Is Not Romantic.Chorus

6. Please Pass Grandma the Arsenic,

Elmer and Dependent Relatives

7. She's Going to Be a Pagan.Chorus

8. She Can't See Pan Without Her Glasses. .Chorus Dental Effects by Kolynos.

Smell of Soap Factory, in Act I, executed by Proctor and Gamble.

Miss Epps' Masquerade Costume by courtesy of the Red Cross Painless Dental Parlors.

Egg and Coffee Stains on the Clothes in Act H, by Park and Tilford.

Books Used by Miss Epps, in Acts I and II, under Supervision of H. L. Mencken.

The asbestos curtain, which is not asbestos, rises hopelessly; half way up it catches fire; a drab, unshaven stage-hand in greasy overalls gloomily puts out the blaze with an obsolete fire-extinguisher.

The members of the orchestra crawl dismally into their seats; the leader rises and gives the signal for attention; his collar is grimy; dandruff covers the shoulders of his coat.

A moment before the orchestra begins, a sharp snapping sound is heard; it is the breaking of three strings on the instrument of the first violinist.

The curtain rises three feet and sticks; after fifteen minutes' delay, it is raised to the top of the stage.

Act I

JNTERIOR of the office of Miss Beulah Epps, the popular lady dentist of a small Middle Western town.

In the center of the stage is the dental chair; at the right is a bookcase filled with volumes of G. B. Shaw, H. G. Wells, Conrad, Hardy, Synge, Yeats, Samuel Butler and Nietzsche.

At the rear of the stage is the entrance door, on which is inscribed "Beulah Epps, D. S.— Teeth Painlessly Extracted — Bridge and Crown Work a Specialty—Gas Administered."

This door opens onto a wide staircase, suitable for waltzing.

Through a window at the rear may be seen a soap factory. From time to time, during the first act, an overpowering odour of soap fills the theatre.

When the curtain has finally risen, the stage is seen to be filled with lady dental attendants, led by Pearl, Miss Epps' assistant.

Opening Chorus—"A Clean Tooth Never Decays."

Pearl and Dental Attendants are armed with toothbrushes. (At the conclusion of the first verse, the toothbrushes are tossed out to the audience on ribbons, and all are asked to join in the chorus.)

PEARL: Say, girls, I was to a swell masquerade ball last night.

ATTENDANTS: Ha Ha Ha Ha—a swell masquerade ball—Ha Ha Ha Ha!

PEARL: Say, and you ought to have seen Miss Epps.

ATTENDANTS: Ha Ha Ha Ha—Miss Epps —Ha Ha Ha Ha!

PEARL: She looked just too cute for anything. She was dressed to look just like an upper anterior molar. And, say, girls, the funniest coincidence—there was a fellow there dressed like a molar cavity.

ATTENDANTS: Ha Ha Ha Ha—a cavity— Ha Ha Ha Ha!

PEARL: Nobody knows who he was. He spent the whole time dancing with Miss Epps but, when it come time to unmask, he had disappeared. And Miss Epps don't know who he was, either, but I'll tell the world they sure seemed to have fallen for each other. Sh—sh here comes Miss Epps now.

Enter Miss Beulah Epps, very near-sighted, with gold-rimmed glasses on a chain over one ear.

Song: "I'm Looking for a Cavity."

Miss Epps, Pearl and Dental Attendants.

BEULAH: Good morning, girls. What have we to do to-day?

PEARL: Well, Miss Epps, there are three extractions at 10, two gold fillings at 11, and Mrs. Jones is coming for a fitting for her new set of uppers at 11:30.

BEULAH: Well, Pearl, you and the girls go out and sterilize my instruments.

ATTENDANTS: Yes, Miss Epps. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Exit Pearl and Dental Attendants.

Beulah goes over to bookcase and takes out a volume.

Song: "I Love Literature."

Beulah and Chorus, dressed to look like Shaw, Wells, Chesterton, Yeats, etc.

At the conclusion of the song, a knock is heard.

BEULAH: Be quiet, girls. Come in!

Enter Elmer Heep, a promising young undertaker.

ELMER: I hope I don't intrude. I have a toothache.

CHORUS: Ha Ha Ha Ha—a toothache— Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Exit Chorus.

BEULAH: I was just spending a few minutes with Yeats. Do you know him ?

ELMER: Oh, very well indeed!

Beulah's eyes light up joyously. ' She seats Elmer in the chair, and picks up a dental mirror and a prober.

BEULAH : Open!

Elmer opens.

BEULAH: TO me Yeats is as the music of a thousand fairies dancing in the moonlight— wider, please!

Elmer opens wider.

BEULAH: The haunting witchery of Gaelic harps—hmmmm, there's a bad cavity—Do you know Synge?

ELMER : Ay donowwhimasha wl.

BEULAH: Spit that out, please—Edna St. Vincent Millay and Sara Teasdale have done some lovely things, too—now open again.

Miss Epps proceeds to fill Elmer's tooth.

BEULAH: I hope you are fond of Masefield—this will hurt a little—

ELMER: OW!

BEULAH: And I must admit that I am delighted with many of the Imagists—now rinse.

Elmer rinses.

ELMER: (still seated) Your voice sounds strangely familiar. It is like the voice of my Dream Girl. I met her last night at a masquerade. I can never forget her. I shall hunt for her—to the end—of the world.

BEULAH: (excitedly) Open, please—wide!

She looks into Elmer's mouth.

BEULAH: 'Tis he—'tis he! The identical same teeth. Wait!

The orchestra softly begins the opening strains of the Tooth Waltz. Beulah rushes from the room and Elmer sings the first verse, "I'm Lonely for My Sweet Tooth Girl". At the end of the verse the entrance door flies open, and there, at the top of the staircase, in the soft purple spotlight, stands Beulah, dressed as an upper anterior molar.

Elmer gasps, and rushes up the stairs. Together they waltz—ecstatically, dreamily, deliriously—down the stairs.

ELMER: My Molar!

BEULAH: My Cavity!

Curtain.

Act II

A year later.

The kitchen in the home of Mr. and Mrs. Elmer Heep (nee Beulah Epps), with an oilcloth covered table set for breakfast.

It is early morning; through the windows, at the rear, the rain can be seen falling drearily, monotonously.

In the next room a baby is wailing, hopelessly.

These dismal sounds are augmented by the steady drip-drip of a leaking pipe connected to the kitchen sink.

The chorus enters, yawning; the girls are dressed in dirty faded purple wrappers with egg and coffee stains down the front, sleazy mocassins, and unkempt hair.

Opening Chorus—"Real Life Is Not Romantic".

The girls go out on a runway extending over the heads of the audience and stand there dropping souvenir hairpins in the spectators' laps. Exit chorus, yawning.

Enter Elmer Heep, in a faded green bathrobe; after him come his three middle-aged unmarried sisters in faded yellow wrappers, followed by his mother and grandmother in faded red wrappers. All have come to make their home permanently with Elmer and his wife; all have egg stains on the wrappers, and consumption, except grandmother, who has coffee stains and locomotor ataxia; all hate each other. They sit down to breakfast.

(Continued on page 84)

(Continued, from, page 37)

Song: "Please Pass Grandma the Arsenic."

Elmer and Relatives.

Enter Beulah, now Mrs. Elmer Heep.

BEULAH: Has anyone seen my copy of The Dial?

ELMER'S MOTHER: Yes—I used it to kill flies with yesterday.

BEULAH: YOU used—my Dial—to kill flies—with?

She bursts into tears. She goes over to the Victrola and puts on a record; it is Debussy's "L'Apres midi d'un Faune".

GRANDMA: (deaf) Elmer, there's that cat outside again. Let her in.

ELMER: HO HO, grandma. That ain't the cat. That's the Victrola.

BEULAH: That's right—laugh at Debussy. What do you know about music —you who have never read a word of Huneker? But I might expect such stupidity from a man who tricked me into matrimony by saying he knew Yeats very well.

ELMER: Well, Beulah—how was I to know you didn't mean Eugene Yeates, the Minneapolis real estate man?

BEULAH: All my life I've longed for someone who understands—someone I can talk to about poetry and literature and—

A knock at the door. Enter Eric Strange the Plumber, reading a book.

ERIC: Hail to thee, blithe spirits ! I've come to fix that leaking pipe.

BEULAH: What are you reading?

ERIC: Swinburne.

BEULAH: Swinburne? I hope you don't like him better than Keats.

ERIC: Oh, no 1 But in certain moods, Swinburne—

ELMER: Say, listen—how about fixing that leak?

BEULAH: Be still, fool! (to Eric) Do you know Yeats?

ERIC: Oh—Yeats—and Synge—and Dunsany—and

BEULAH: Wait!

She runs out of the room and returns with her hat, coat and suitcase.

ELMER: Why, Beulah. What does this mean?

Enter Chorus.

BEULAH: It means that I am going away with this man. Away from the narrowness and pettiness and ignorance of this small planless town—away to a city where Eric and I can talk about poetry and literature. Come Eric—Pan calls!

Song: "She's Going to Be a Pagan."

Chorus.

ERIC: But I can't—go with you. I'm—I'm married.

CHORUS: He's married.

BEULAH: YOU Puritan! You coward! Then I go alone. Goodbye.

CHORUS: Goodbye, Beulah.

She goes to the bookcase and starts filling her suitcase with books. As she stoops over, her only pair of eyeglasses slip off her nose, fall to the floor and break. Beulah gropes blindly for a minute, then realizes that Fate has once more played her a dirty trick—that she is too near-sighted even to find the door.

Song: "She Can't See Pan Without Her Glasses."

Chorus.

Beulah sinks sobbing in a chair.

The rain outside falls monotonously, drearily; the leaking pipe continues its everlasting drip-drip; and the curtain slowly descends on this room-full of unfulfilled lives.