The Ideal Woman

Yessir, That's My Baby!—Wherein Several Experts Define the Perfect Female

A SYMPOSIUM BY FOURTEEN CELEBRATED JUDGES

EDITOR'S NOTE: Vanity Fair, with other optimists, has always felt that somewhere behind the sad, kaleidoscopic dicor of our disillusions, there exists THE PERFECT WOMAN. The notion is a pleasant one; for, though disenchantment may ensue, it frequently wears an aspect of comfortable melancholy; and tragic lovers are notoriously the most engaging. Yet it is a difficult notion, too, for what two men will agree upon the Perfect Woman? In literature, for instance, and in the theatre, heroines range from grave to gay and from pole to pole, so that it is absurd to say of any woman, "Here, and here only, is perfection." So, in their perplexity, the editors of Vanity Fair have asked a group of men prominent in literature, art, and the drama to define, each one, his own ideal of The Perfect Woman. We are, therefore, happy to present, dispiriting though it may be to our feminine readers, the results of this symposium of opinions by fourteen able connoisseurs.

I—CHARLES CHAPLIN

MR. CHAPLIN'S contribution to the symposium strikes a rather acid note at times, for one so versed in the poignancy of simple sorrow. He writes:

1.When in my company, she never admires other men.

2.If I am obliged to leave her in order to keep another engagement, her disappointment is always keen enough to be flattering to me, but never quite keen enough to keep me from going where I am going.

3.Her diamond bracelets never need cleaning.

4.Her shoulders arc never shiny.

5.She never takes advantage of a voluptuous situation to narrow her eyes.

6.She always reads all of the Sunday papers (the funny sheet first) but, having read them, she refolds them neatly and leaves them as they were.

7.She knows the words of no popular dance music, or, if she docs, never sings them in my ear when dancing.

8.She uses only a faint eau de toilette during the day, but sprays herself plentifully with UHeure Bleue upon retiring.

9.I am not exactly in love with her, but

10.She is entirely in love with me.

II-RING LARDNER

Can it be that Mr. Lardner, the famous humorist, is not taking this symposium seriously:' Vanity Fair's eyebrows rise well into its hair at this suspicion; but our contributor's fourth requirement may possibly mitigate that failing on our part.

1.Lockjaw.

2.Hereditary obesity.

3.Shortness of breath.

4.Falling arches.

5.Mechanical Engineering.

6.Draughtsmanship.

7.Absolutely Fireproof.

8.Day and Night elevator service.

9.Laundry sent out before 8:30 A.M. will be returned the same day.

10.Please report to the management any incivility on the part of employees.

Ill-RUDOLPH VALENTINO

To those of us who have watched the cinema screens grow mellow with Mr. Valentino's peculiar charm, it seems that he has depicted a

rather grave creature for his ideal woman. Here is his list of the ten attributes necessary for the Perfect Woman:

1. Fidelity.

2. The recognition of the supreme importance of love.

3. Intelligence.

4. Beauty.

5. A sense of humour.

6., Sincerity.

7An appreciation of good food.

8. A serious interest in some art, trade, or

hobby.

9. An old-fashioned and whole-hearted acceptance of monogamy.

10. Courage.

IV-JOHN V. A. WEAVER

John V. A. Weaver has been credited with inventing—along with F. Scott Fitzgerald—the flapper. His flappers, it is true, were more of an outdoor type than Fitzgerald's, who, it will be remembered, were, as a type, inclined to lipsticks and light laughs. Note, then, Mr. Weaver's ten requisites for feminine perfection:

1. Beauty—or what I think is beauty.

2. The well-known "je ne sais quoi."

3. She must be a blonde.

4. Or a brunette.

5. Or red-headed.

6. She must make me believe that she thinks me rather wonderful.

7. And, at the same time, have a vast amount of intelligence.

8. She must be able to laugh at a great many things.

9. But not at me.

10. She must make me believe that she thinks me rather wonderful.

11., 12., et seq., ditto.

V-JAMES BRANCH CABELL

For an author whose Dorothys have gone glamorously down the path of fame, Mr. Cabell proves reluctant to define his Ideal Woman. He says:

"But, I submit, this question, as to the chief and necessary attributes of the Perfect Woman, is one which only a few bachelors here and there can afford to answer truthfully. The rest of us must perjure ourselves, either in writing or else immediately after publication. So please count me out of this too moral-wrecking symposium."

VI—GEORGE JEAN NATHAN

And here is a bachelor, and a critic, who also prefers, with a languid wave of the hand, to sit, neatly tailored and fairly lush with tolerance, upon a not too rustic fence. An engaging picture! Herr Nathan, then, having left everything abundantly to his confreres, is wandering down dim vistas on the wings of ennui, in search of an idyll which may wholeheartedly occupy his attention. He goes on to say:

"The Perfect Woman? I leave the description of her beauty to Cabell, of her charm to Hergesheimer, of her humour to Huxley, of her manner to Anatole France, of her heart to Willa Cather, of her voice to Synge, of her age to Max Beerbohm, of her desires to Somerset Maugham, of her philosophy to Hermann Bahr, of her sensitiveness to Chesterton, and of her innocence to Sacha Guitry. There, Vanity Fair, you will have the Ideal Woman you arc seeking."

VII-MILT GROSS

Milt Gross is a new and hilarious figure in American letters, a master of agility in the strange distortions of Jewish dialect. Here is Mr. Gross's idea of a really "nize baby":

Pot Wan—She shouldn't drife from de beck sitt de huttomobill.

Pot Two—She should know she should boil a hagg prisizely it shouldn't be nidder too suft nodder too hod.

Pot Tree—Shouldn't snurr in de slipp.

Pot Fur—Shouldn't pcnhendle from me a whole time tsigarettes.

Pot Fife—She dun't culling de baby "Joonior". Pot Scex—She should leff hottily from mine jukks witt smot-crecks.

Pot Savan—She should kipp shop on de dot appointments.

Pot Hate—She shouldn't breg wot it made to her propuzzles, doctors, witt loyyers, witt ceewil-hingineers yat, from merridge.

Pot Nine—She should be a whole time hon do houts witt de rallatiffs.

Pot Tan—She shouldn't know wot it axeests dallicatassen sturrs.

VIII-FLORENZ ZIEGFELD

It is estimated—with this magazine's customary conservatism—that the publication of the following requirements will produce 54,000 yards of tape-measure in American homes and 9,000 girls, all of whom will be found palpitating upon the doorstep of Mr. Ziegfeld's New Amsterdam Theatre before November first. Mr. Ziegfeld says that the ideal woman should

average:

Height.5 ft., 5½ inches

Weight.117 lbs.

Foot size.5

Height—7 1/2 times length of the head Head—4 times length of the nose Arms—hanging straight, ¾ length of body

He goes on: "Of course there are still men who favour girls four feet two inches high; a few who prefer the Amazon. They are decreasing. Most of the girls in the Follies range in weight from ninety-five to one hundred and ten pounds, a few up to one hundred and thirtyfive, and occasionally one hundred and forty. A girl weighing 100 to 105 pounds has ten times more chance of marriage than the 135pounder, and twenty-five more chances than the 150. The Dresden-china girl, petite, piquant, light on her feet, has a thousand chances against the 160-pound weight.

"She must have:

1. Native refinement. Where this exists, education is not necessary.

2. Poise—an ability to walk, stand and manage herself with easy dignity. To modulate her voice, moods and movement with that sustained restraint which is characteristic of breeding and distinction.

3. She must have health, be wholesome and look so.

4. She must have strength, be vigorous, not flabby, and she must have reserve force.

5. She must have symmetry. Proportion is inseparable from beauty.

6. She must have spirit; that is, a definite animation indicative of personal power, resources and adaptability. Above all other women in the world, the American girl is spirited.

7. She must have style, know how to wear clothes—not so much expensive clothes, but any garments that fit her resources and are appropriate to her type.

8. She must appeal to both sexes—for complete beauty and personal-magnetism—a great stage requirement—charms and compels both

men and women.

9. She must have femininity, an overworked term, but indicative of loveliness, grace and imagination.

10. She must have the quality of glory,—that elusive something as definite yet intangible as the perfume of flowers."

IX-ARNOLD GENTHE

Scan this, and then sharpen your eyes, reader, for the photographs of fair women consecutively on view in the vitrine of Dr. Genthe's studio. Almost anybody in Dr. Genthe's studio,

though, can have a mobile, radiant spirit for a few minutes anyway, because he is, first of all, so agreeable, and secondly, because they're always so frightfully clever there about putting the electric lights into your hair.

"Mere facial beauty—no matter how perfect the symmetry of features—is of only minor importance if it is not illumined by a mobile, radiant spirit, without which surface-beauty remains dull. A well-proportioned, strong body, distinguished by length of limb, and approaching the Greek ideal, is a necessary attribute. A woman possessed of such a body will crave the activities of wholesome sport, preferring horseback-riding to golf, and real dancing to jazz. Her strong and slender hands will be as expressive as her face. She will not be a slave to fads and fashions, but wear whatever suits her individual taste; a becoming hat or dress may last longer with her than one season. If she bobs her hair, it will not be for fashion's sake, but because it is less of a burden for the charming contour of her head. A fine sense of humour, based on a just perception of values, will help her avoid the usual emotional difficulties; she will never indulge in any form of jealousy, nor in violent outbursts of temper. Her time will always be usefully employed, and, since the idea of service is not foreign to her, she will not, for the purpose of 'killing' time, have to resort to the excitement of gambling or to the solving of cross-word puzzles. She will prefer an animated talk with intelligent people to the gossip of a woman's luncheon. Finally, an eager desire to understand, without prejudice and prudery, what is going on in the world, will make her a sympathetic judge in every phase of life."

X-AL JOLSON

Here is an essay vibrant with all the pathos of Mr. Jolson's celebrated cantatas. One feels, quivering through its delicate web of words, the yearning, the accurate nostalgia which has made A1 Jolson probably the most melancholy and yet exciting singer upon the American stage:

"The physical attributes of my ideal woman don't interest me. For instance, she may weigh four hundred pounds, if her heart is of gold. She may have a mouth like a torn pocket, if from it come kind words. What good is the softest hand if it clasps a rolling-pin? Where when you arc hungry, is the lure of a shapely leg—unless it be that of a turkey?

"Therefore speaking as a husband, my ideal woman must have:

1. The gift of stretching a can of sardines into a banquet.

2. A thorough dislike of all actors—save one.

3. An appreciation of the fact that, in all the important affairs of life, and in the trivial ones as well, I am, for some curious reason, invariably RIGHT.

4. A disinclination to be taken out-—unless she had bid 'one club'.

5. A hearty laugh for all my jokes, including the very old ones.

6. A loathing for cross-word puzzles.

7. An inability to block a straight left.

8. Complete ignorance of the existence of the Lucy Stone League.

9. A million dollars.

10. A cough."

XI-FRANKLIN P. ADAMS

F. P. A., the noted columnist and lyric poet, gives contented tongue to his dreams in the following verse:

THE NOT IMPOSSIBLE SHE

She must he fond, she must he fair;

She must have eyes atid lips and hair;

She must he firm as any stone,

And softer than a flower full-blown.

She must he weak, she must he brave,

And varying as the ocean's wave.

She must he witty and alive;

She must have finer traits than I've.

A nd—not without enthusiasm—

All these here qualities—she has 'em.

XII-LEE SHU BERT

Number fourteen on the following list of qualifications for the ideal woman will explain to the inquiring playgoer the presence of all those intellectual, old-fashioned girls in The Great Temptations at the Winter Garden. Listen to Mr. Shubert:

"In a career of theatrical production that has extended over many years it has been my good fortune to have known and admired thousands of beautiful women, many of whom approached, if they did not attain, perfection. With this knowledge and experience as a background it is impossible—for me at least—to limit the perfect woman to ten points. No less than fourteen points arc necessary if one is to do justice to so great an ideal. It is not an easy task. There are bound to be disagreements even to a jury of sculptors, or painters. And now:

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1. She must be tall but—I hasten to add—not too tall.

2. She must be a brunette—the dark, splendid beauty of, let us say, Maxine Elliott.

3. She must have an interesting face —-a face of mobility and expression.

4. She must be agreeable.

5. She must have a beautiful figure.

6. She must be intelligent.

7. She must be intellectual, but not a foseuse or a predense.

8. She must be witty but not sarcastic; able to see a joke but, more important, take one.

9. She must be calm, but not phlegmatic.

10. She must be tolerant, but never indifferent.

1 1. She must be charming, and by that I mean she must possess graciousness of manner as well as that overworked symbol of the theatre—personality.

12. She must be able to adapt herself to her environment and to her associates.

13. She must possess good taste in her clothes, in the cultivation of her mind, in her conformity to the material aspects of civilization.

14. She must reverence the best traditions: that is, she must not be afraid of being thought old-fashioned."

XIII-RUBE GOLDBERG

One cannot help but think wistfully, upon reading our next contribution, of the debonair and incomparable lady in Mr. Goldberg's justly famous cartoons who hangs on chandeliers, a bow and arrow in her hand, and one foot behind her ear. The great cartoonist says:

"I believe a woman's claim to perfection should start with her ability to refrain from looking in shop windows when she is walking with a man —myself for instance. This typifies a consideration for the male who, generally speaking, is willing to buy a woman her coffee and rolls, but does, not want to be coerced into it.

"She must be willing to get up on an icy January morning, close the window and turn on the steam heat, while her husband remains under the blankets contemplating the gigantic events that will harass his brain during the day.

"She must, of course, be beautiful. But the world has different standards of beauty. Very often the exquisite creatures who dazzle our eyes in the ballroom, or at the opera, look like a last year's straw hat to the butcher boy who delivers the veal 'cutlets the following morning. Evening beauty is not beauty unless it can withstand the ravages of a morning exposure. A cheerful disposition and a certain freshness of mind can make a woman with an awning nose, a subway mouth and a pair of fanlike ears look like Venus rising from the bath.

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"The perfect woman cannot be a leader. If a woman is strong she will want to inaugurate some movement or other—a movement, for example, to make hens lay square eggs.

"She must have just enough brains not to be relegated to that great classification of women known as 'dumb'. Too many brains in a woman lead to .vanity; vanity leads to assertiveness, assertiveness leads to sensible shoes, and sensible shoes lead to nothing in particular.

"The ideal woman must conform to these requirements and to many more besides. She must also be able to live in the house with an imperfect man without being possessed by a firm desire to poison him."

XIV—COREY FORD

No symposium on the subject of the ideal woman would be complete with-

out the contribution of a satirist. Mr. Ford is one of the more successful humorists, and here are his views anent the Ideal Woman:

My Ideal Woman?—as a patriotic American, there can be only one. She shall always be first in my heart of hearts, my true Influence for Good. Let others sing the courtesan and the country-maid, the adventuress and the home-girl; my Ideal Woman towers straight and tall above them all. Others may list the Ten Most Desirable Qualities in their Dream Girls; mine has not Ten Most Desirable Qualities, but a Hundred. You may see her with a torch upraised, spreading the radiance of her Truth to all the nations of the earth. You may even take a small boat out from the Battery; and for twenty-five cents you may climb up inside her and on a clear day see most of Lower Manhattan. She is the eternal symbol of the land of the Free and the Home of the Brave; my country, right or wrong. She stands for patriotism; she stands for independence; she is willing, in fact, to stand for almost any of the prohibition, graft, censorship, hokum and bunk that is committed in her name. Gentlemen, friends, fellowcountrymen—I give you the Statue of Liberty, my Ideal Woman, Miss America. Like any other Ideal Woman, she is iust a figure of speech.