Football rule-book: 1933

JOHN RIDDELL

Introducing a new, revised set of rules and regulations for the football fans who attend the big games this year

This season the boys on the Football Rules Committee have been putting their heads together (several careless members had taken their heads apart during the summer, and they had a high old time getting everything back again where it belonged) and they have devised a brand-new set of rules and regulations to govern the gridiron sport during the coming season. As a result, the ardent fans, who had just about time enough to memorize last year's rules before the season ended, will now be able to start all over again learning the new rules before they are changed again next year.

According to the 1933 football guide, the Rules Committee has instituted one or two slight but rather interesting innovations this year. For example, football is no longer to be played on a field, as I understand it, but instead the game henceforth will be played on an oblong table, covered with green felt. 'I bis year's football, moreover, will be considerably smaller than last year's model, and in addition will be perfectly round, and made of ivory. Instead of kicking it into the air, the new football will be propelled along the surface of the table by means of a long pointed stick, or cue. Otherwise the current version is practically the same as the old 1932 game.

Another notable improvement by the Rules Committee, as far as I can understand it, is the new method of scoring in football. Hitherto the schools were accustomed to use the old point system, in which each touchdown counted a certain number of points (depending on whether the referee was employed by your side). These points were computed at the end of the game by means of the cross-country system of scoring, according to which the losing team pursued the referee across country till they caught up with him and knelt on his chest to make him change his mind. Referees never lasted very long, under this system. One or two games, and then they bad to be taken out somewhere and shot.

All this has been remedied by the Rules Committee. This year all games will be scored by the all-popular method of having each player, just before the game, write down on a slip of paper what he thinks the score should be. This paper is folded and placed in a derby hat. The referee is then blindfolded—-the referee is always blindfolded, during a game—and at the conclusion of the contest he draws one of these slips of paper out of the hat. This determines not only the fate of the game, but also of the referee. »

In addition, the Rules Committee has made several other incidental changes:

1. Each team shall be composed of eleven members, each of whom shall be Captain. (This is to avoid hard feeling.) Whenever a football player gets a ball, moreover, he is allowed to take it home with him, paint his class numerals on it, and put it on top of his book-case.

2. A Field Goal is made (a) when the ball is kicked between the goal-posts (b) when the referee says the ball is kicked between the goal-posts or (c) when the referee is kicked between the goal-posts.

3. A ball is declared out-of-bounds when any part of it touches the territory beyond that on which the game is played. In New York State, for example, out-of-bounds would include all states west of the Mississippi River, as well as Canada and Alaska.

4. Fouls shall be called for any of the following offenses:

(a) Calling the referee an objectionable name. What constitutes an objectionable name, of course, depends upon the opinion of the team, the coach, and the spectators in the stand. If the referee penalizes the hometeam twenty-five yards for holding, for example, it is not objectionable to call him (Editor's note: it's objectionable here in Vanity Fair, though).

(b) Seizing the football in both hands, emptying out the air, folding it up, and sneaking it home tucked under the player's jersey.

(c) Causing unnecessary "time out" by taking a train to Council Bluffs, Iowa, to visit your family for the week-end.

(d) Tackling below the knees (particularly if your opponent happens to be tacklish below the knees).

(e) Holding, blocking, tripping, pushing, charging, pinching, biting, telling dirty stories to render opponents weak from laughter, tying the laces of their shoes together, telling them they are wanted on the telephone, pointing out attractive blondes in the stands, blowing smoke in their eyes, or suddenly coming up behind them and shouting "Game's over!"

(f) Any other unnecessary roughage, such as bran.

In addition, I have also suggested a few rules and regulations to be included in a new 1933 Rule-Book for Spectators:

Rule 6, 2, 3. Forward Flask. A spectator in Row M attempts to pass a flask, or ball, down to a spectator named Joe in Row J. This forward flask is intercepted by an opposing spectator named Messersmith, in Row K. Thus the ball is grounded, and it is ruled an inco.npleted forward flask. The flask is completed then and there by Messersmith himself. (Time-out signal for Mr. M. I

Rule 13, 5. Holding in Line. At the end of the first half, the male spectators rush out of the stands and form a long line in front of a little green building with shutters. This line remains practically stationary, except for shifting from one foot to another and occasionally moving forward an inch or two, until the beginning of the second half, whereupon the spectators break and run back to the stands again. (No signal.)

Rule 1, 2, 3. Out of Bounds. A spectator shall be considered out of bounds when his ticket calls for a seat behind the goalposts at the Alfred-Ursinus game, and he is discovered instead the same Saturday at the Yale Bowl, sitting in the President's Box on the fifty-yard line. (Time-out signal. leaving hands above head.)

Rule 21. Signaling jor a Fair Catch. A spectator spends the entire game with his back to the field, trying to attract the attention of a blonde with her legs crossed who is sitting in Row QQ. (Sifting of hands in horizontal plane, grasping of wrist, waving hands above head, putting fingers to lips and whistling, winking, or shouting "How's chances, babe?'')

Rule 4, 5, 7. Offensive Tackle, Line Plunge and Unnecessary Roughness. A spectator arrives late, hears a lot of cheering going on inside the stadium, and immediately goes berserk, charging up the runway and bowling over three old ladies, a freshman selling programs, and a couple of old grads on crutches in the rush to gain his seat. Once he is seated, he spends the rest of the time asking his neighbors what happened before be got there. (Time-out signal, pushing hands forward from shoulder.)

Rule 19. Coaching from the Sidelines. Before each game the spectators get together and elect a spectator in a fur coat and a derby hat with a little orange feather in the hatband to be Grandstand Quarterback. The duties of this spectator are to call every play in a loud voice just before the signals are given out on the field. At the conclusion of the play, he will then turn to his neighbors and exclaim: "See, whaddid I tell you?" or "They shoulda tried a forward!" (No signal.)

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In addition to these rules, fouls shall be called for any of the following offenses:

(a) Poking the tip of your umbrella into the ear of a neighbor, inserting your folded umbrella between his legs in such a fashion as to send him sprawling on his nose while mounting the stairs, or holding your open umbrella behind him so that the water drips steadily down the hack of his collar.

(b) Turning to your escort during the most exciting moment of the game and murmuring "Isn't that a cute cheer-leader?" or "Look quick, Ethel's wearing the same dress she had at Princeton!"

(c) Wearing a large raccoon coat and jumping to your feet at every movement on the field, simultaneously extending the arms and hopping up and down so as to obstruct the vision of at least fourteen spectators behind you.

(d) Allowing a small puddle of rain to accumulate inside the brim of your hat, and then leaning forward suddenly just as the spectator in front of you stands up, thus unloading the brimful of water and depositing the entire contents in his seat.

(e) Tearing up your program, folding it into little airplanes, and scaling them over the stands so that they will collide neatly with the eye of a stranger several rows away just at the crucial moment of the game.