My times—and yours

JEFFERSON CHASE

EDITOR'S NOTE: The fifth volume, recently published, of Mark Sullivan's Our Times covers the history of America from 1914 to 1918. At this rate, it looks as if Mr. Sullivan would reach current events about 1930. Hence Vanity Fair, Unable to wait I hat long, has called upon its venerable Washington correspondent to bring things up to date.

VOLUME I. HIGH TIMES (PRE-CRASH AMERICA). On June 25, 1906, Harry ("Machine-Gun") Thaw interrupted a six-day bicycle race in Madison Square Garden to shoot one of the contestants, Leland Stanford White. Thaw was later found to be justifiably insane but the broad principles of American justice (plus a few million dollars) set him free. (I was not there at the time hut this is as good a way as any to begin a hook of memoirs.)

Pre-Crash America! What high old times we had! Salaries were high, never more so (except my own, which always lagged far below the seasonal white-collar curve but, as Andrew Mellon said, "Hell! it takes a lot of small incomes to average down the big ones!"); stock prices were zooming1, and the country was never more prosperous.

Calvin Coolidge was in the White House, there were 100 cents of gold in every dollar (some experts claimed there were 127 cents of gold), France was paying the war debt out of money which Wiggin borrowed from you and you and YOU to lend to the Germans to pay reparations to France. Alice Longworth dominated the social scene and Senator Borah dominated Congress' and A1 Capone dominated the liquor market and Owen I). Young dominated everything else in sight.

A young man named Herbert Clark Hoover was coming to the fore. Sir Esmé Howard was British Ambassador and Billings Kellogg³ was Secretary of State. One day a most amusing incident occurred at the smart Metropolitan Club when Sir Esmé and the Secretary of State met unexpectedly. It was at the time of the great controversy between the Board of Admiralty and the Navy Department over whether the American Navy should be compelled to paint bulls-eyes over the ammunition magazines on our war-ships or whether the omission of all protecting armor would be sufficient. At any rate, feeling ran high (like everything else) in diplomatic quarters. and when Sir Esmé and Billings Kellogg met each other. . . . However. I wasn't there at the time and have forgotten the story anyhow, but it was very funny and highly significant4.

Times were never so high as in 1929. Prosperity was in the middle of the block. Debts were being paid and so were salaries. Only four or five million men were unemployed. Henry Ford produced a new car. Lindbergh swam the Channel, Gertrude Ederle was Miss America, and the talkies supplanted the silent screen. "Yes. we have no dilemmas" was a popular song. . . . Thornton Wilder rewrote Thomas Aquinas, Sinclair Lewis rewrote the Farmer's Almanac, Stephen Vincent Benét rewrote the Civil War, Irving Fisher rewrote the rainbow. . . . Women's skirts were higher than ever and why not?. . . . Maryland rye whiskey sold in Washington for &10 a gallon. . . . They served ice-water at White House receptions . . . income taxes could be seen and not heard. . . . Rudy Vallée began to croon but Harry K. Thaw couldn't get a pistol-permit any more.

VOLUME II. LOW TIMES (POST-BOOM AMERICA). "My son and I are buying sound industrial securities," said J. D. Rockefeller'. Wall Street began to discount the future and in October, 1929, the future didn't look so hot. Fortunately for us, Wall Street didn't realize how had things were. Prosperity moved to a corner location but with a rear entrance which enabled it to evade the bill collectors. So, whichever side you approached it from, Prosperity was always just around the corner. This led to President Hoover's" celebrated bon mot to Owen D. Young. "Prosperity," he said, "is just around the corner!" Owen roared with laughter. "And so's your old Executive Mansion!" he replied.

The country, as a whole, was not amused. Wages went down, prices went down, hopes went down, liquor went down (rye whiskey in Washington sold at a new all-time low of SIP a gallon). Embassies and Legations couldn't give a tea-party without providing the entire official population of Washington with a square meal.

As things went lower and lower, the country realized with horror that there were five or six million unemployed, so we became very angry with Japan and gave away the war debts under the impression that the moratorium the merrier. This helped matters so much that we soon had ten or twelve million unemployed, so the White House divided everything by two and staked its all on a system of internal waterways. Unfortunately, nobody consulted a [dumber and, despite the bold action of renaming Boulder Dam Hoover Dam, the number of the unemployed mounted until it exceeded the total population of the United States plus Canada, while the price of everything went so low that you had to use a microscope to find Cities Service and "Banker Marries White Girl" became headline material below the Mason-Dixon Line'.

One day a lively sensation was caused at the Judiciary Dinner at the White House when one of the waiters dropped a small silver coin and the President stepped on the Chief Justice's hand. This led to a brisk discussion of fiat money. "What?" asked the President, "is fiat money?" Quick as a flash, the First Lady of the Land replied, "Fiat some money!" thereby greatly relieving the tension.

It was about this time that the country decided not to hold an election at all in 1932. President Hoover was simply asked to resign by 25,000,000 people and his place was taken by an expert on reforestation from New York State8.

Matters were thereby immediately improved. Our banking system had been reorganized by the Federal Reserve System so as to render it proof against panics. (As Mr. Mark Sullivan observed in 1930: "Since the adoption of the Federal Reserve System, a currency panic can hardly again occur. . . .") Accordingly, on March 4, 1933, all the hanks closed.

VOLUME III. DAYLIGHT SAVING TIMES (POST-CRASH AMERICA). Stale after State voted for the return of the contents of the old-fashioned saloon and Washington's bootleggers raised the price of Maryland rye whiskey to the unheard-of figure of $10 a gallon.

Professor Moley9 came to town, accompanied by a corps de ballet of eighty massed professors, who proceeded to build a swimming pool in the White House in which to cool their burning brains. This led to the quip which accused the New Deal of suffering from water on the brain trust. After a brief probationary period, Professor Moley was promoted to the editorship of Variety.

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1 There were curious exceptions. For example, during the hey-hey Coolidge-Primitive Hoover market, all of the stocks which I purchased promptly froze with terror, shuddered slightly, and then drew in upon themselves for a life of inner contemplation. Alas! those happy days of the Cuba Company, the Carib Syndicate. Commonwealth & Southern. Southern. Nevada Copper and the rest gone forever. forever. They departed, accompanied by a large escort consisting of my savings.

2 Borah was a politician from Idaho who had attained nation-wide prominence due to his habit of never having a hair-cut. always being reelected, and sitting on treaties until they hatched out doves.

3 His Intimates called him "Frank."

4 It was on or about this time that the celebrated Incident occurred when the President of the New York Stock Exchange was caught entering the White House on stilts at an early hour in the morning. His epigrammatic retort to the Secret Service man who challenged him caused much amusement in inner Washington circles.

5 A prominent architect who is best known for his hold design for Radio City, a real estate project in New York City, financed by popular subscriptions collected by American filling-stations.

6 Herbert Clark Hoover. President (1929-33). was a young mining engineer who is best remembered for having fed Belgians in the World War. He also had a job in the Department of Commerce for several years.

7 Mason and Dixon were two radio comedians who specialized in "black-face" dialogue. They originated the expression, "Check and Double Check!" and the double "uh," which occasioned the great wave of lynching in the summer of 1933.

8 This individual was not a Republican and naturally not included in the formal list of American Presidents. His name eludes me at the moment.

9 Professor Moley, Secretary of State from March to September, 1933, was a newspaper columnist of distinction. He is best remembered in official circles for having discharged his private secretary, Mr. Cordell Hull, after arty at Buckingham Palace.

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Cynthia had zippers on her step-ins. Josie—Tut! tut! where were we? Oh yes! Mae West swept the country and Frances Perkins became Secretary of Labor. March yielded to April, April yielded to May, May to June, and so on. After a brief interregnum during which Congress invented riddles for the Supreme Court'" and the National Broadcasting System was quietly substituted for the Constitution of the United States, "General" Walter A. Johnson proclaimed himself Emperor of All the Americas and endeavored to breed Blue Eagles in the White House. As a result of hard and thankless work, he reduced the total number of the unemployed from 12,000,000 in June, 1933, to 12.000.000 in December, 1933.

Hill-billy music became increasingly popular and the song, "She'll he coming round the mountain when she comes" referred to the nation-wide expectation of the coming" of the Commodity Dollar. This Dollar consisted of a thin coating of gold-leaf which contained commercial alcohol and non-inflammable helium gas. There was some talk of having it race the Graf Zeppelin across the Atlantic hut it all came to naught.

Chicago had the nerve to hold a World's Fair, entitled a Century of Progress, hut wisely refrained from specifying in which direction. . . . Mr. J. P. Morgan was tried and convicted on the charge of being Mr. J. P. Morgan. He was sentenced to continue being Mr. J. P. Morgan. . . . The Chase National Bank was convicted of having lost money during the depression. . . . An American artist was deported from Russia for painting the face of John D. Rockefeller in the frescoes at the Kremlin. . . . Every member of the Administration and all the occupants of the White House found magazine-contracts tucked under their pillows on the morning of March 5, 1933. . . .

Prohibition was repealed and the entertainment allowances of the Washington diplomatic corps were cut 90%. . . . Repeal dealt a crushing blow to Washington's bootleggers, who were forced to sell Maryland rye whiskey at the bankruptcy price of $10 a gallon.

10 The Court promptly adjourned for the duration of the Administration.

11 Not to be confused with the Cummings and doings in tile Cabinet.