Capricorn

The goat goaded

BLONDIE Bumstead has got to be the queen of Capricorns, always dragging Dagwood out of the bathtub just when he's getting comfortable. The Capricorn's raison d'etre is to restore order and purpose to those at leisure.

When marrying a Capricorn, take a good birth-control device on your honeymoon. Capricorns love fertile people, but they hate bloopers. And if the wedding reception goes past ten, don't be insulted if your spouse starts mumbling about having to get up early. Deep down in every Capricorn soul, a rooster is crowing.

While your Capricorn is out to dinner with the boss, be prepared to stay home and discuss the latest nut-bread recipe with the other shut-ins in the neighborhood. Remember the old woman who lived in the shoe? Her husband was a Capricorn.

Capricorns can be passionate, but they start out like a block of ice and need help thawing out. If they try to unwind on their own, they look as out of place as Stalin on a surfboard. Because they see themselves as bloodless and unexpressive, they go for those sweaty, Anna Magnani types who scream "Shaddap!"and hang their underwear on the front line. And though they snatch your * 9 plate away if there's anything good on it, secretly they love you most when your cholesterol's a little high.

They keep you ignorant of their business life, so don't be surprised if someday you get booked as an accessory to a caper your Capricorn has pulled without telling you. And don't take it personally if, after a hard day of office sadism, your Capricorn curls up into a ball on the couch and uses you for a pillow.

These tough guys are really looking for Mommy. The way to a Capricorn's heart is through a plate of pasta. Breast-feeding is even better.

Current trends: No matter what I say, you Capricorns will think it's bad news. Nevertheless: 1986 is going to be a spiritual time, which means it probably won't be a super career year. The creeping paralysis you feel is pretty real, as illusions go. All Capricorns are getting it, but those of you bom in December have already been hypnotized by Neptune into acting unprofessional lately. Under Neptune's influence, judges have been known to fail the Breathalyzer test, and staunch Republicans have staggered through the House singing, "What's it all about, Alfie?'' Neptune will show you there's a whole universe out there that's never heard ofyou.

Family can be relied on this year. Office politics cannot. The more hip you are to undercurrents, the more successful you'll be. One final word: faith. It'll get the road built.

Confidential to the Reverend Sun Myung Moon: A saint I know tells me that an angel told him that God told her that before long you might have to get a job like everybody else. The rumor around heaven is that you have to take Spirituality 101 over again. You're going to have to let up on the hard line, quit acting like a nun at the school dance, and leave the kids alone for a while.

Saturn's transit over the next two and a half years will help all Capricorns find joy on the inner plane. Even masters must be servants during such a period. It's back to the ashram. Forget about the price of oil. The inner plane is not on sale at NeimanM arc u s.

Michael Lutin